Sophistifunk27

Anyone,

2011-05-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

For anyone that still lurks on here, I've moved to... Sweetsophistifunk.tumblr.com

P.S. Have a lovely memorial day weekend :)

Wow, its surely has been a while, a LONG WHILE...

2009-11-25T16:30:00.001-08:00

Does anyone even go on this thing anymore? Oh well, If you read it, you read it, If ya don't, you don't. It doesn't matter, nothing that goes on here is important anyways, haha. okay so here it goes...

I finally made my Christmas/Birthday Wish List [:

Ready? ( I'm not asking for much) haha!

01. A Plane ticket to either London or Australia!

02. A NEW Camera

03. Another Hair Straightener

04. Any Lovely Bag from Urban, Anthropologie, Juicy, Marc Jacobs or Kitson [:

05. Perfume from Marc Jacobs, Juicy,Burrrberry or Ralph Lauren

06. Anything that comes from the Heart.

Yeah so there it is, Yesss that's all I want, for now haha, see I don't ask for much. Well anywhoo, I just wanted to apologize to everyone for never returning or replying to anyones phone calls or text messages or IM's I've just been really confused about everything lately, but I think all of you already knew that, heh. I'm hoping I get my mind straight soon enough with God's guidance I'm pretty sure I can. I think I can....and if any of you are wondering why I hardly update this anymore is because I've been TOO hurt to even share my thoughts and feelings to anyone right now but I'm letting it all go little by little. I'm just really bummed how I can't have what I want and I know I can't always get everything I want but just this once would be great. Just this once....BLAH!

"So this year to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special..."

I am...

2009-09-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

a total mess, NO not even that, I'm a wreck. Can someone please remind me who I am again? and what the heck I'm doing again? Please, cause I clearly can't remember WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING ANYMORE. I'm soo lost, where are they when I need them? where are any of you when I need you :[

Imisstheonlypersonthatsmeanseverythingtome.

God, can ya holla back? Please, that would be great.

Trying to find that all elusive piece of mind...

2009-08-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

All I can do right now is just smile, I'm in the best mood I've been in, in the longest time. What came over me?! I have no idea, but congratulate me for this new insight, The past couple of days have been really good for me and I have a lot of people to thank for that, but my gratitude us ultimately towards my one and only Jesus. I couldnt do it without him. I can't do it without him.

I've learned a lot about myself and others and It feels good, not because I learned new things but because I'm finally learning to do the right things, and not just be so selfish all the time. I've found new ways to live right, and new motives to live for. It's a really nice feeling.--Actually they aren't new at all, but they definitely found their way back to the top of my life after being lost for too long.

It's game time, no blindfolds, no towels, no game plan. I'm playing it by ear because lately It's been my best bet. Everything will fall into place when the time's right, To be honest they already are. I can feel it. Then again, I can't really trust my feelings. I can, however trust my mind and my mind's telling me that tomorrow is going to be another good day. Things are going swell, Its clearly NOT PERFECT, but it sure is good...and that's all the satisfaction I need right now to keep me sane...and as for everything else I'll leave all that up to my father above.

The world is a mess but I'm not trippin.

...and as for you, You were right all along, and If I had some sort of time machine I'd go back and fix all my mistakes...but I just wanted to thank you for absolutely everything,You know I still love you and care so much about you, and of course I miss you more than anything and I don't care what everyone else says or thinks about US... but you're right babe we do need to find ourselves and Hopefully one day, someday...we can start over or pick up where we left off from, and If ever that day comes, everything will be 20 times better than it was before. I'll always love you and I hope you know that.

EXCITED :)

2009-07-25T16:37:00.001-07:00

Now that I think about it, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??! Thank you Lord for this new insight and for opening my chinky eyes.

I'm not going to lie or deny it but the pass few weeks have been HELL for me and I mean HELL and now I think It's coming to an end. FINALLY...

I'm excited for this week and especially next weekend! hehe CANCUN here I come (: I mean here WE come. 'We' as in me and my lovely co-workerS (; I hope I don't get too dark.

Soo I'm getting my car soon and I'm pretty darn happy, like really really really happy...and I think I'm in love. uh-oh...

Oh Yeah btw, I just got interviewed yesterday for a new job at the old modeling agency/ company I use to work for, so please pray for me that I get in again..cause Hollister is just not cutting it for me anymore -____- .... I lost 5.2 pounds so far haha 30 to go....jk but yeah I have been working out again lately my kick boxing classes start next week [: ! Thanks xoxo

P.S. I miss you :( Come back already. *sighs

I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

2009-07-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

Girls are expecting too much out of boys who clearly aren't men.

I'm done chasing after love, done looking for it, done trying to find it, done hoping and praying for it. I want true love to look for me for a change, to chase after me for once. I'm done making things harder for myself. I tend to make things so complicated when in reality it really isn't as complex. I'm thankful very thankful, for this insight that God gave me, after the whole week of not sleeping, crying like there's no ending ...I think I'm finally done with all that and I can say I'm satisfied and happy and I'm moving on.

I just realized that I need to be okay with myself in order for me to love someone else and care for someone else and right now I'm working on that, I'm slowly putting the pieces back together and getting myself and my attitude together. I have a lot of fixing up to do in my life and it took me a while to realize this but I'm glad I finally did. I want to be the ARLAINE that I used to be, the arlaine that everyone knows as the sweet, innocent one thats always smiling. I miss her, and I know probably everyone does too. This time around, I mean it when I say I'm trying. I really am, trying to change not for anyone else but this time FOR MYSELF. I spend soo much time doing things for other people when I can't even help myself.

I tend to overthink things and overreact and ASSUME and these are habits I really need to shake myself out of because it ruins me and I guess that's what drove Paul away from me, well I really don't know but yeah I'm guessing... I was put into a lot of thought when he told me I wasn't the same girl he fell in love with and he was right, but Im kinda glad he was honest with me and told me that or else I would of never realized all this so I thank him for that, and to anyone out there that's reading this, please be patient with me , Im trying my best. I know the way I've been acting is soo out of character and I know I seriously need to stop the games and GROW UP, because this isn't highschool anymore. It's the real thing now that I'm on my own and If I want the real thing "true love" I have to be real with myself first and stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

I feel good right now despite of all the crap thats going on. I'm happy because I know that everythings going to be alright, and I know that I'm going to be alright. I finally know what I want but I'm just going to keep that to myself, heh.. Its not the end, if it's not a happy ending. right?

Sober.

2009-07-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

It's true when they say "You can erase someone from your mind but getting them out of your heart is a different story..."

My mom was right, my friends were right, I WAS WRONG...VERY WRONG..and It takes a lot for me to admitt that. Who am I fooling? NO ONE, just myself...No matter how late I stay out, no matter how many drinks or stogs I have, or no matter how many guys I talk to, at the end of the day...he's still on my mind, and definitely still in my heart. I can get him off my mind for a good few hours and then at the end, It's still him I'm wanting and missing. I THOUGHT I was ready, to let go, to move on to start dating again...Boy, was I WRONG. This is going to take me much longer than I expected, and I hate it.

"Sleeping with uncertainties, hoping to wake up with assurance and re-commitment. "

God, please help me.

Smile altough your heart is aching...

2009-07-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

...and believe me I'm trying.

I've always told myself to Never Hope for nothing, become dissappointed in nothing. I promised myself I wouldnt ever want something I can never have, but I'm human, I have feelings and emotions, and sometimes those emotions can get the very best of me.

Words cant really express how I'm exactly feeling right now, I feel lost, abadoned, hurt, and I guess you can say a bit hopeless? I really dont know. I hate how some things are "easier said than done". I'm in that stage in my life where I really am on my own, no parents to tell me what to do, no relatives near by that I can run to, and no significant other to give me that extra push that I need...and I wake up every morning with a mask on my face, that I have to put on just to show everyone that "I AM STRONG" and that "Everything IS fine", But I'm only human and all I'm ever going to be is human...and a friend of mine told me..."You don't always have to have it together Arlaine, You're not perfect."

...and to be honest with anyone, whoever is reading this...

Not having the person thats been a huge part of my life for 2 and half years anymore has really broke me. I'm not going to lie, I regret a lot of things, and I wish I could of done more things and shown more love and understanding to this person, but I know it's too late, It's like chasing a very last train when I know It's too late. I miss him more tnan anything right now and I'm not going to deny it, I wake up in morning and realize he's not there on the phone with me, I look at my phone every night at 10:30 and I realize there isn't a txt msg saying "Take your meds hun. " everytime my phone rings or whenever I get a text msg or I-M I'm hoping its him. Everytime I hear a skateboard outside my house I'm hoping it would be him..but then again It's not. I miss US, I miss what we used to be, I miss knowing that I'd always have a shoulder to cry on and someone that would kiss me on my forehead and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But I know, I can never get all that back.

I'm having such a hard time coping with this, All I've been doing is crying and I know that isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm trying to keep busy I really am, I'm trying to let go, and trying to move on. I love him sooo much that I'm doing my best to let him go, no matter how much It's going to hurt me. Even though he means everything to me, I know I need to move forward and concentrate on myself and my needs and I know that, If we're meant to be God will bring us back together when we're both ready..maybe not now, but someday but I know God will let things happen according to his time...not mine.

But for now, I'm learning to stand on my own, and after all the thinking and crying..I think I'm ready to let this go, to let him go so he can be happy. I'm going to keep myself busy from now on, go out with friends,start working out again, concentrate on school, focus on God..and maybe to really help me get over all this...start "dating" again...and somehow learn to make the most of the "Single" life...I guess. I can't always get what I want, soo for now..I'll be laying low and cut everyone off for a while and I'm going to change my number. I'll need a lot of time to be fully over this and when I am, I'll be a brand new much better improved person...and I hope all of you are excited.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life, so we'll see how that goes...

Give me the Green Light.

2009-06-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've been staring at this computer screen for about ten minutes now, and my past couple realizations are mind boggling and I couldnt agree more that the road to clairty drives you insane. I don't get why people strive for things that can NEVER be fully understood? ..I don't know why I do this to myself.

You know what I realized? that whenever I need him the most he's never there for me cause we're not in good terms, either that or we're on some kind of "break" or who has more pride than the other competition. I've only been running on 3 hours of sleep these past two days, and the whole my chest hurts and I can't breathe kind of thing has taken it's toll on my body once again. What sucks even more is when I wake up at wee hours in the morning and realize he isn't there on the phone with me. I realized that at the end of the day when I'm not feeling good I have no one to vent to or find comfort in anymore. Which just added another 20 pounds on my back. Thanks.

I realized that you should never ever trust and depend on someone soo much, because all I have left now is really just myself. I've noticed that most people only stay for the best, but never for the worst. I also come to realize that I care and think too much, when this isn't even rocket science. Maybe if we weren't so stubborn or prideful maybe we wouldn't be feeling this way. But then again, this is reality It takes a while for people to come to their senses, but I'm not naive I'm not going to wait for that. I've been let down way too many times and why am I going to waste my time on someone that doesn't even want to be with me? I'm stupid. I give permission for anyone to slap me cause my school, my health and my personality is in jepoardy right now. SOMEONE HELP ME :'(

It's been a lonnng time!

2009-05-29T18:33:00.001-07:00

Wow, I haven't been on this thing for ages! Yes, yess I'm still alive..haha and I don't know If thats a good thing or bad thing. Oh gosh where do I begin? I miss venting to this thing, I have a looooooooooooot of updating to do! ...and I mean a loooot! Hmm, I don't know where to start..Let's see, School? is almost over for me 27 more days and I'm out of there! I can't wait for the summertime, FUN, FUN, FUN! (ahh, I can see it now haha!) -kinda, ish. Fall semesster isn't that far away :/ and I'm getting cold feet...scared and excited both at the same time. Scared cause I dont know what to expect, excited cause...I don't really know? Hmm...anyways like I said I don't really know where to begin, I don't know If everyone knows, but I'm pretty sure that everyone already knows that I moved out, Yeahhh...It's been a month now and Its okay I guess, I miss my dad a lot, but I doubt that even matters, to be honest I find myself crying at night from time to time, Its hard for me, for the both of us, I think the stress is less on me, not really, I'm actually stressed to the fullest extent right now :[ school, work, family, and yeah...what else is new? I'm in that stage of my life where I'm going through soooo many changes and It's so hard to take everything in and also throw everything out? You get what I mean? i don't know, I just know that Im getting/ going somewhere and one day when I find out I'll be happy, HOPEFULLY. Okay well, I gottta go! I shall update again soon [: I miss all of you guys, SOMEONE, ANYONE CALL ME ,TEXT ME, WHATEVER, Let's hannng ouuut! please?

"It's only when we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." -Thanks Caresse!

I'm falling straight for you.

2009-03-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

"Your name is a chamber to my heart, you are the music to my art, I'm falling straight for you, please tell me that you're ready too, everything you do makes me love you..."

Hey everyone!

Sorry for the decreased amount of my blogging, nothing exciting has been going on so I didn’t feel like wasting your reading time on something unimportant, but I am FINALLY back from FRISCO, I spent some time with my MOM and other relatives, It was "okay", heh but anyways I'm back to reality (sadly) and I am busier than ever, SO MUCH to do, and SO LITTLE time to do it all. It's crazy, It's driving me crazy, I'm finally graduating in less than 90 days and I'm starting to get a tad bit freaked out, It's exciting but scary all at the same time!

So I recently started to bake again:

& FYI: These were inspired by Bakerella.

Basically, it’s cake in lollipop form dipped in chocolate, candy melts, or whatever that’s capable of melting and hardening quick. To tell you the truth, I didn’t think I would be able to pull it off the first time (let alone pull it off at all), but it was pretty easy because I guess I’ve build up my patience. One thing that bothers me about these cake pops is that they are just too sweet. I can only nibble small amounts at a time; which I guess is a good thing because they aren’t that big to begin with. Give me some feedback on what you think!

& then I came home and made Oreo truffles.

I think I'm getting better at dipping (:

MMM, SCRUMPTIOUS!

Oh and as for everything else, It's not perfect but, It's all good. I feel like I'm missing something, I just don't know what it is, Hmm...

'til next time,
XoXo -Arlaine

Talk about being disconnected.

2009-03-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

It's like 9am and I've been up since I don't know what time, But I COULD NOT SLEEP It's sooo nerve racking...UGH. I wan't to sleep soo badly BUT for some odd reason I CAN'T. It's annoying.

UGH. So, I decided that I'm going to turn off my phone ( Actually, it's already off now as we speak) so that I won't be tempted to look at it like every hour or be tempted to call "people" and I've decided to delete my facebook and my myspace as well and I won't be on AIM anymore. My cousin gave me a bright idea, and It's to just "Stay Quiet" and that's what I'm going to do, is be still and stay quiet and away from EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE...and um I'm contmeplating whether I should leave the country for 2 months and I might just do it, If anything I'll be leaving THIS Friday the 6th.

I don't want to talk to anyone AT ALL, SERIOUSLY. Good luck with trying to get a hold of me, cause you're all going to need it. I'm not answering or replying to anyone's calls or text messages so have fun trying to get a hold of me. BYE.

A little too late.

2009-03-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm worried, I've been worried all day, Now I know how Bree feels like when I make her worry about me, and It's NOT fun, I repeat It is NOT FUN... and I'm not feeling the greatest in the world right now, obviously. I hate feeling this way. no matter how many times I tell myself not to think about it or worry about him, I still do 'cause sometimes whats in the heart overpowers ones mind and ability to think and thats exactly whats going on with me right now. I hate not knowing if he's okay, or if he's eaten yet and so on... I know I said I would'nt care about him anymore and all that other stuff I was saying out of my butt, but It' is really easier said than done. I've noticed all I've been doing this entire day is worrying about him, call me crazy I probably am, But I still do care. I mean who am I fooling right? Well no one anymore, obviously. I really miss him and I hate it. I hate myself for feeling this way. I just want to hug him and tell him that everythings going to be okay or vice versa. I can't even get through him. I honestly feel like a REALLY horrible person right now, maybe Kuya Tom is right, maybe all this is REALLY ALL MY FAULT and I should just suck it up, since it's my own doing.

Maybe It is my fault for never showing him that I cared about him enough, or never ever calling him and telling him my problems when all he wanted to do was be there for me, maybe its my fault for always pushing him away and for opening this potty mouth of mine and always saying all these hurtful things to him maybe Its my fault for accusing him all the time and never learning to trust him and fully forgive him, maybe I wasn't just a good enough of a girlfriend and an actual friend to him. maybe this is really all my fault for never being there enough for him, maybe I didn't appreciate him as much, maybe this and maybe that, There's a lot of reasons, a lot of questions and so little answers...

Now I'm laying here typing all this crap because I really HAVE NO ONE to vent to as of now and It's the worst feeling in the world feeling A-L-O-N-E isn't the best feeling :( I really don't know anymore.

But right now, I am sure of one thing and It's I really miss him, need him and want him and I feel just like Bree right now, she doesn't want anyone but Cameron and I don't want anyone but Paul right now either. Who am I kidding? seriously. Talk about being honest. I can't even be honest with myself when deep down inside all the attention I really want from right now IS FROM HIM. NO ONE ELSE. Seriously. I pray that he's okay. If anything bad happened to him, It'll be ALL MY FAULT :'(

Leaving on a jet plane?

2009-03-02T18:43:00.001-08:00

Soo, I just got off the phone with my aunt from Australia and I told her whats been going on with me, and she offered to take me in for 2 months since im on vacation...and since I'm not doing so ehh here, she said it would be a good idea for me to get away from everyone and all the DRAMA ...here in HELLAY. So I'm sitting here staring at the "Buy your ticket now" option, and I don't know should I? 2 months out of the country is a lonnnnnnnng time. Im afraid to be homesick...well not literally If you know what I mean. Ah I don't know. Should I stay or should I go? If I do end up leaving, It'll be like running away from my problems. I have no idea. Im confused.

But speaking the truth in love,

2009-02-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

Things may not always work out the way you want. In those cases, you often look for reasons as to why those situations needed to arise. It happens when you least expect it, and the reasons aren't usually clear. I could be angry-- I was at first. I could cry, but my tears wouldn't justify anything. Maybe I'll laugh about it one day-- just not today. Just because it won't be today doesn't mean it won't be tomorrow, and for all I know, it just might be tomorrow. The bright side is: I'm learning.

There are many ways to handle this situation, and I don't know what the right moves are. Until I do, I will be still and know He is God and he has the right timing for everything.

Thought of the past 24 hours: a lot, just a lot had been going through my mind lately. I've been thinking wayyy too much, and I know I need to stop. I know I haven't been acting like myself at all lately and everyone knows it, cause they see it and I finally realized it. I've been pushing people away, getting ticked off at almost anything, like EVERY LITTLE THING and it's so out of my character and I know I have to change. This has to change. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE, and It's about time, that I've made some changes for myself, and I don't know If this is going to be a good or bad thing But, It's a new year and I want to try something different...

Now I know I think too much, I know I care too much, and I worry too much and I STRESS way too much. But, I think I've come to a point where I'm so fed up with everything that I just don't want to worry, to care or stress at all anymore. SERIOUSLY. I need to stop and forget about everyone else, and what everyone else thinks It's time I become this selfish and take care of myself for a change, I've noticed I let everyone around me affect that way I feel and you guys know what? I'm done with feeling this way. I really am, I done feeling sad/depressed or whatever all the time for the same reason over and over again. It's this never ending cycle and I CAN'T TAKE ANY OF THIS BS ANYMORE. and I'm not going to let any one of you affect me in a negative way, NO SERIOUSLY NOT THIS TIME. NO MORE. I'm done. I need to be happy,and I need to make myself happy so this is why I'm doing things differently this time. No more, being sad/depressed/pissed off whatever kind of crap. No Thank You, and anyone that wants to ruin my happiness can get the heck out of my life 'cause I DON'T NEED IT. The door is wide open, so you can leave. seriously LEAVE 'cause with all the things flying at me right now, I don't need anyone to add on. Not to sound like a total B or anything but I'm just not going to deal with anyone's stupidity anymore. I want to not to have to worry about anything, or anyone...and this time I'm really not going to, I don't know why I put myself through this, when all along all I had to do was NOT CARE, Its that simple, cause its just a choice 'cause with me, It's either I care too much, or I DON'T CARE AT ALL and I just don't want to care AT ALL so I'm just not going to care anymore. I'll take things for how they are, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not hoping, wishing,expecting, caring or worrying anymore cause I wasted too much of my precious time. ALL FOR NOTHING.

...To Be Continued.

Even when I fail you, I know you love me

2009-02-25T21:47:00.001-08:00

I will be still and know You are God.

Bakerella?

2009-02-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

For the past week, I’ve been semi-sick with a mild sore throat and an endless runny nose (again). A few days ago, I was unfortunate enough to catch the flu and it felt just awful. I couldn’t sleep the night before because my body ached and every time I breathed in, the back of my throat felt as if it were being stabbed by a knife. I can honestly tell you that I almost used up an entire roll of toilet paper just from my runny nose (and it’s still going as we speak). I wish I could use the tissue as a nostril cork without feeling like a complete doofus. Whatever works, right?

I also forgot to mention that I had a dream of baking last night. Weird, I know. Who dreams about baking stuff? There’s a perfectly good reason for this, trust me. For the past few days now I’ve been grossly obsessed with a blog called Bakerella.com; she inspires me to, well, bake. If you’re not a big fan of reading through blogs (or reading at all) you can just look at her work on Flickr. I swear I get fatter and fatter every day just from looking at what she makes. You can read about her combination for love of cupcakes and photography here. I know you guys will enjoy looking at her work :]

Okay, so moving along...so Sunday February Um, 23 (which was yesterday lol) I visited my mother church "LOH" and It felt so good, It made me happy. heh, It also made me tear up a bit. I really missed everyone SO much. I felt like I was "home" where I belong or I mean/ supposed to be at. I didnt feel out of place or anything, it was normal, just like how everything USE TO BE. It made me so happy to see everyone and get all the warm hugs and kisses! xo...It made me HAPPY. PERIOD.

...Oh and what made me even happier were all the "weight loss" comments I got from like 7 people, hah no kidd, t'was crazy. The funniest one was "You lost so much weight, you know why? 'cause you have a lot of problems huh?" HAHA, thanks...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE [;

oh and..."Omg laine, you look so skinny, are you still depressed or stressed out?" -haha ouch, do I really look that sad? and NO I did not lose weight on purpose, I just I don't know, um have no time to eat? mhm, yup. But overall, I was happy to be with "family" (: hmm, and maybe I'll be back for good...just maybe.

...Oh and I found something out when I went to church, that um my "Momma" told me...and I don't know WHY I feel this way...but I feel sad in way, seriously I AM SAD. like IDK. It's SO SO SO WEIRD, 'cause I don't know why I feel this way or why I'm starting to feel like this all of a sudden. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Ew [.......]

You know what I hate the most about myself? Is that I care TOO MUCH about everything and I worry too much about everything...seriously! and I need to stop! It's such a WASTE OF TIME. ...and I worry about non-sense on like the most irrelevant things to worry about. UGH. I annoy myself sometimes, like right now. I need to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

I can hold a grudge forever if I wanted to...

2009-02-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

and maybe this time I actually will...

So this must be the worst day of like my entire life? long story short, I've lost a really good friend, my BEST friend, and so easily too over the STUPIDEST thing ever. I seriously hate all this... It's so hard to satisfy a person, coming from me, I should know. It's like seriously giving EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING. I'm tired of being the reason why that person is always pissed off, pissing someone off "all the time" It Isn't a fun job. seriously. I feel like no matter how much I try to make something work, the more I seem to be doing something wrong, well at least according to one specific person. I feel like i shouldn't even exist to this person anymore just cause all i end up doing is pissing that person off. it's not a fun job. seriously, I think this is the end of feeling this way enough is enough, cause I'm DONE with not being ENOUGH.

I always told myself to never hope: Hope for nothing, become disappointed in nothing. Still, I can't help but be a little bit selfish every now and then. Too bad this time I'm being a lot selfish. I promised I'd fight it so I wouldn't ever want what I can't have, but it doesn't always happen that way. See, sometimes the desire of one's mind overpowers what's in their heart -- worlds apart type of thing. Oh, but that's never the end of it. We build walls, allow people to tear them down enough to hurt us, and then build them again. Same process of the same gdamn cycle. ans I'm tired of it, we all are.

...So maybe this time I'm genuinely not kidding when I say I don't want to be in any sort of relationship -- that this time, I really just want to be left alone. I play this game too often, but never purposely. I know how to get in, I know how to get out. I'm tired -- so so tired of playing a game that I can only win at my own expense. I'm down for something real, but that's it.

No more games. I'm done with all the games. No more "we're not officially together" , No more "that's why we'll never be together" No more "hoping, wishing, or waiting to be taken back as his gf again and be truly forgiven"... seriously ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. and I'm tired of not being enough really, I am :[ I've spent too much time worrying, saying things I dont mean, hurting someone that I really love and care about...and thats enough.Hurting that person was never my intention. NEVER. that's the last thing I intend to do.

It's time to focus. For once in my life, I'm closing my doors for me. Selfish. It's about time I became this selfish.

...Since He's hiding behind that hard heart that refuses to allow me into which makes no sense at all. and I've hid from myself far too many times when I lacked the courage to be alone. You see, I cannot afford to spend another day as a cooperator in a conspiracy against myself. It's either you're with me or you're not, Its either You're in love with me or you're not, it's either you forgive or you don't..no maybe, laters, but and ifs, Its either you commit or you don't, there isn't such thing as A "part-time relationship" ...NO MORE seriously NO MORE...its that simple, I can't go on with someone for another 6 months or god knows when...with a person that's unsure of their feelings for me. I can't. I'm not going to be here forever...You're wasting your time. and You're wasting my time. You know, I've never asked for much, All I wanted to know was where we stand. All Ive ever hoped for is that this person would truly genuinely forgive me. that's all...But I guess none of that or this matters anymore. cause I'm done with feeling this way.

Anyways, I guess now I just need to keep myself busy to be OKAY and stable at least .. I hate how you just left me .. without trying to understand me at all... but it's okay. I'll get past this STRUGGLE...ALONE.

Love keeps no records of wrongs-that's in the bible.

A NOT-SO-HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

2009-02-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'm in the car with the laptop, waiting for something to do on this lonely valentine's day :/ and I have no idea what to do, I mean I know what I want to do, but then again, I'm not sure If I should go and do it? Does that make any sense? I mean I had, well I did have something special and cute planned for tonight. I just, I don't know...changed my mind? Idk, I don't feel like doing it anymore -___- change of mind, change of plans...and possibly change of heart I mean. I guess, I don't know. I'm feeling really lonely right now and I hate this feeling I hate the feeling that I'm feeling right now, Bree and them were right when they said, "You'll feel good for a few hours but after you sober up, you'll be in the same rut you were in to begin with..." I mean I felt fine, I felt great a while ago, actually but now, I have no idea. I feel detached and out of place with no direction to go, and It really sucks. I hate this feeling. and I hate it when I feel this way. I hate the feeling when you need someone with you by your side. I HATE IT. You know the feeling where you know you should do something right to fix things, but then again your pride or whatever gets the best of you? well I mean..you LET IT get the best of you, Yeah it ruins everything, it ruined everything for me at least. I like seriously need to move the heck on and get over it. -Just like ER use to tell me. " "Grow up, move on & just get over it!" Pardon me, I don't even know what Im saying, seriously. I'm soo out of it today, ask anyone I'm a tad bit hungover...I cant even get my point across...this is sad. Oh gosh. Um, I'm cold, I think I'm going to head to a cafe and read there or something and sip hot cocoa, Yeah sounds good. Well, Okay I'll stop here. Hope everyone else is having a lovely Valentine's Day. -Ciao!

"I best tidy up my head 'cause I'm the only one in love"

Restless.

2009-02-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

You'd think that most people get restless when they have absolutely nothing to do, but I get restless when I have a lot to do. I suppose it's because I choose to distract myself as opposed to actually getting things done. I hate that I've gotten so good at doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and still managing to get everything I need to get done, done. That sentence was probably grammatically incorrect, but I'd much rather not reread it.

I've always loved doing a little bit of everything at the same time. Too bad it's gotten harder. Oh well. Determination, balance, and patience with a side of faith in the way things are. "Easy" has never really flown with me.

...I'm turning in all my homework in this Friday. I could have been done with all my homework, but of course it doesn't work out since I have to turn in a packet for AP BIO AND AP ECON EVERY WEEK. How lame is that? I've always been good at math, but I've never enjoyed it. It's unfortunate that I have an entire math chapter (which is a lot longer than it sounds) by Monday. It was actually meant to be done by today, but of course I was "busy" doing other things...Of course.

So question of the past couple days: What has my life become? Better. (not great, but better) The answer is "better". My ability to do what I want when I want, but get everything that I need to get done on time amazes me sometimes. I amaze myself sometimes. (Screw you, I hardly give myself credit so let me have this one). I'm far too calm for my own good. I started to feel as if I stopped living. In reality, I just stopped worrying about everything I needed to get done. It doesn't make me irresponsible. I just know how to beat the system. Go figure.

So I'm guessing...

2009-02-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

that everyone's been busy?...

'Cause It sure seems like it. Everyone's getting/going/doing something. Seems like we've all been caught up in our own little world. Well that's what it feels like according to mua. I feel like no one has even a minute to talk or whatever. Pretty sad, but I guess that's just the way life goes, 'cause "We've got nothing but time on our hands"...I suppose? I don't know, I'm feeling a bit detached from a lot of people, some of the most important people in my life that is. and I honestly dont know IF ITS JUST ME (It probably is) or Im probably just crazy. and feeling a teensie been sad 'cause everyones so busy and caught up with their own thing and I feel a bit...forgotten, If thats the word for it, yeah forgotten...I miss getting random phone calls during the day and stuff like that, not just text messages, but actual PHONE CALLS, but I guess it's okay, that's just the way life is. right? ...Yeah I guess. Ugh. maybe this rainy cold weather is affecting my mood and making me feel this way. Possibly. I don't know...I'm just kinda :( right now. I could use a hug right now. *sighs

-CIAO AMA

I CAN HOLD A GRUDGE FOREVER IF I WANTED TO.

2009-01-31T09:51:00.000-08:00

...but I'm not going to.

I feel like everything that's been broken in my life can never be fixed and that I'm either forced to move on or get over it. It's NOT as easy as people think it is, and yeah yeah there are people out there who can just get over the fact that they've been hurt and that they shouldn't stop their lives just because of life's disappointments, but it's not that easy for me. I mean, everyone's different right? This year I've learned a lot about myself and others and also changed, idk if it's or the better or for the worse, but I'm here... I've been up all morning, And as of right now, I'm pretty lost. He's right, everyone's right... I'm not the same Arlaine as before, and I honestly don't know where she is right now, do you? I'm trying to find my way back, I really am. I don't know what's stopping me or getting in my way...but I'm trying I swear am, maybe just not hard enough?... I'm such a horrible person. I hate MYSELF.

So basically, I'm just trying to be okay like before. Not having to depend on anyone other than myself because seriously, depending on someone to make you happy or keep you sane is NOT reliable. You earn your happiness, and only you have control of whether of not you're happy. I never really realized that until I lost the one thing I depended on the most. It's pretty pathetic counting on someone, when you have yourself. Your own self is the only one you can truly count on and trust.

...and I was hoping you'd still be there,
when I find my way back...I guess not.

LONG NIGHT.

2009-01-31T00:08:00.000-08:00

I miss him, I don't think it matters to anyone or him so yeah, anyways...I can't sleep, and I really want to sleep, like I really do, but I can't and I hate it. I hate sleeping alone...*sighs...This is going to be another longgg night for me, and that is why I have about 6 Eszopiclone's (aka as Lunesta or sleeping pills) sitting next to me right now. Hopefully all these will help me fall sleep. Oh it better, or else I don't know what else I can do. So here goes nothing, Hopefully I'll sleep for a long time -__________- and I mean A LONNNG TIME. G'night World.

Sleeping my problems away...

-AMA

It's what they don't know.

2009-01-29T23:09:00.000-08:00

Where are YOU when I need YOU? :'(

Where are YOU when I need YOU? :'(
Where are YOU when I need YOU? :'(

SO I'll just be frank about this, I'm not feeling good, physically and emotionally, but It's not like any of you actually care anyways, so I'm not even going to waste my time blogging about it. So, NO this isn't going to be one of those sad blogs I usually used to write, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't need to pity myself.

Where the hell are YOU when I need YOU? :'(
Where the hell are YOU when I need YOU? :'(
Where the hell are YOU when I need YOU? :'(

So with that being said, I apologize for ignoring everyone's calls and text messages and IM's ...I haven't really been in the mood for anything lately. I just think I need to lay low for a while...a LONGGGGG while. Yeah, I'm going through one of those..."phases" or whateva you want to call it, I just need a breather, more like a break from reality, If you know what I mean. Well, I'll leave it at this.

Where are YOU when I need YOU the most? :'(
Where are YOU when I need YOU the most? :'(
Where are YOU when I need YOU the most? :'(

You can have it all...( just not all at the same time)

2009-01-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

I've always loved doing a little bit of everything at the same time. Too bad it's gotten harder. Oh well. Determination, balance, and patience with a side of faith in the way things are. "Easy" has never really flown with me.

I'm not at all a fan of many things going on right now, but the fact that they are inevitable keeps me going. I suppose I'm just slightly irritable. That's always cool. What do I want right now? A breather. A walk in the park sounds spiffy. Or maybe even a walk on the beach. But really, what are the chances? I have a better chance of sitting on my rooftop , but that hasn't been allowed since... years ago.

On a different tone, I hate when people underestimate my capability. Well, not really. It gives me something to do (in the least). All that's left: Continue to explore my options and work my hardest. Whatever it takes. I will do whatever it takes. This is tricky-- really tricky. But then again, so am I.

Sleepless Nights.

2009-01-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

I've been up for like 20 something hours, I haven't got any sleep yet and I have work in like an hour....So I was pretty ticked yesterday off after school, so I went to just went Gdale since I had no where else to go and walked around the mall...so much for saving money, then I watched 2 movies ALONE, The Curious case of Benjamin Button was so BOMB, Brad Pitt is so sexy, anywho after the second movie I had dinner, and red velvet cupcakes alone...It was 11:00pm and I waited for the bus (WHAT WAS I THINKING?) It took forever...and now I'm feeling really sick...t'was so cold last night :/

So... It's almost Valentine's Day...BOOOO! HAHAHAH! EW, Valentine's Day can suck it. Right Bree? haha. Who celebrates that? seriously, ew.

I think I'll be watching a movie again, tonight...after work. Anyone care to join? ...'cause tonight is going to be another, Looonnnggg lonely night and I need to keep busy so that I won't be thinking about anyone or someone or everyone -________________- mhm.

The closer I get to you.

2009-01-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

..."the more you make me see, by giving me all you've got, your love has captured me. Over and over again, I try to tell myself that we could never be more than friends, but all the while inside I knew it was real-- and that's the way you make me feel."

This is not a safe move, and I've been playing things pretty safe lately.I'm just really tired and really distracted. I'm also a bit flustered. Things are flying at me in every direction, but I suppose that's what I get? ....for falling in a little bit too deep.

I have things lined up for me this week,and for the rest of the year, and I'm okay with that. Me & my girlfriend planned everything today at our date. haha.

...I'll update you guys more on that, on my next blog. I'm a bit too tired to elaborate. Well here goes another longggg lonely night and week :[

And for all the things I lack.

2009-01-19T00:36:00.000-08:00

So maybe I need to work harder. Maybe I don't need to work hard at all. Maybe one day I'll be able to grasp the idea better. I really don't know. All I know is that just because the information I contain is nowhere near the highest capacity level possible does not take away from what I do know. I have not experienced further beyond my age for that doesn't seem possible. Age is irrelevant to the things we face in life. Each person takes on life every day. We all face similar trials. The way we deal with things is what makes us different, not wrong. We now live in a selfish world where your way is the only way, when, truth be told, there are too many ways to deal with the same problem. Clean intentions. Good hearted people tend to find clarity easier because they dig the finer things in life-- if not the finest. Because in their eyes, the imperfections that work together to create the life they live is, at that moment, its finest. It's all about perspective.

So, sometimes it's okay to be still. It's alright to enjoy everything you've got for what it is without trying to gain more. I believe we're all driven by selfish motives, whether we can see or admit it-- but that's another argument for a different day. I wish my literacy level was as high as it was before because I can't entirely express what I wish to express. So, for all the things I lack .. I'm okay. In fact, I'm better than just "okay". I pray that one day I'll understand, but until then, I have faith in the way things are.

Patience, Patience, Patience!

2009-01-17T00:56:00.000-08:00

Clearly not my virtue, but I'm working on it. So um, when's it my turn? Lord willing, it'll be this year. We really never know, but I'm definitely hopeful...After all good things comes to those who wait, right? riiight.

So, this one person encouraged me to read start reading my bible again, and I did. The message yesterday really got to me-- the same way that the message last Sunday & my daily devotion did. It's funny how all added up to the same realization. Good things really do work together for the good of those who love God. Do I sound like an extremist? Because that's hardly my intention at all. The message just really moved me. (It covered making the right resolutions). The steps made me realize that this is not going to be an easy ride. In fact, it's going to take some crashing and some falling-- but God promises to be there with us every step of the way, and God does answer prayers, in his time and will 'cause everything happens according to his will...and you know what I've realized, (and believe me I feel so bad right now) I've realized that every time some thing is wrong with me or going wrong in my life I usually go to my friends first, and I never turn to God and pray first (which I should be doing). I haven't done that in quite a while, and I realized that I need to start giving all my worries and fears to him, that's what he's there for, am I right? Just like the memory verse,

"Trust In the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. "

I've been feeling so down lately like my stress level is way up there & nothing, I mean nothing is going the way I want it to, but despite all the chaos and drama thats been going on in my life, I don't know but I'm okay,I feel okay, I actually I feel good right now. I have peace in my mind and in my heart. (THANK YOU LORD) and I thank everyone who's been there with me every step of the way and for all your prayers and advice. It really is working. and I'm slowly learning. I'm nowhere near where I want to be... yet but I know I'll get there, someday with the help of Jesus Christ.

On a different note, my cold, flu whatever it is, is acting up again to the highest level. High high highest level. Today was a pretty long day. I'm kind of tired, but of course I'd much rather blog about it than, I don't know, finish what I'm doing... I should be folding clothes, but I'd rather not.

Now that I'm done complaining about a pretty decent day due to my lack of energy, I can go back to folding clothes. Have a fabulous long weekend everyone.

Keep moving forward.

2009-01-14T16:30:00.000-08:00

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (James 1:2-3).

So lately, I've been blogging about this and that and I bet those who actually read my blogs think I'm like the boringest (that's not even a word.) person and what not, but i really know what I'm talking about on my blogs, even though people probably don't get it themselves haha! Anyways, lately my bed has been my absolute BEST FRIEND and same for anything i can practically munch on at home. I've been lazy again. Have you ever totally lost track of time and just felt like you wasted your whole day? That's how I've been feeling lately, and i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. It sorta feels good to lay low and to take a break from everything outside, basically it's like totally ignoring reality. I've been complaining a lot about a lot of things, i feel like a kid again or something. Oh the glory of being Unsatisfied! I've come to realize lately while I've been a bed potato that people stress everyday about not knowing who they want to be, who they are, and who they don't want to be. It's actually pretty exciting .. being lost and finding yourself and losing yourself again, and then figuring out who you want to be, it's like life has it's own crazy roller coaster running it's crazy and unpredictable route. What if we are born knowing who want to be, knowing who we don't want to be, and loving who we are, then I guess life isn't worth living, to be honest. Life wouldn't be so exciting and the ride most definitely would be lonely and boring. I guess life's disappointments are really life's key to satisfaction. Like i said before, I do love my life, regardless of all the hardships, disappointments, and, misunderstandings. I've learned to lift myself up and depend on NO ONE but myself. Life's too short to worry about WHO I AM, WHO IM NOT, AND WHO I WANNA BE. Am I right? or Am I right? Yes, I'm right.

HOW MANY CHANCES DOES ONE PERSON TRULY DESERVE?

2009-01-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

So basically I'm just blogging about random topics that have nothing to do with anyone in particular, so don't get all butt hurt, and tell your friends, or your friends friends that this is about them, cause it's 100% isn't about anyone, kapeeesh?

So anyways, today i realized that there's a lot i don't know about one single person and what goes on in that persons life. Meaning there's an explanation for EVERY action, and that someone shouldn't be judged right away by the way they talk or how they address themselves. Anyways, what im trying to say is, there's a lot to a person and their life and the things they go through. of course, no one really expects another person to just straight out pour their problems to the whole world, for example, vent in a blog like this. YEAH, there are people out there who are more expressive than others, and that's cool too. but how about those who are too shy to let things out? who rather smile and pretend that everything's cool, or act the total opposite and act like a total son of a bucking fitch because that's their own way of letting their anger out. People just handle their problems in different ways, and im not saying that there's a wrong way and a right way to handle a problem. Sometimes it's really hard to satisfy ones self, when on the other hand it's easier for someone to satisfy you. It's weird, letting people into your life without a clue what HARM or even what HAPPINESS they can bring into your life. I guess that's what livings all about, taking those type of risks, even though they dont seem to be big risks, when in fact they're the most important decisions to make, whether or not you can trust someone, like truly trust someone. whether or not you can truly forgive someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. So, How many chances does a person truly deserve?

MORE of what I need, LESS of what I don't.

2009-01-11T01:44:00.000-08:00

Looking at pictures makes me miss the LOH days-- not only because of our youth, but because of everything else. Leaving LOH taught me that I won't always have people on my side, regardless of how long we've known each other. It taught me that there will come a time where things will go wrong, and it tests your faith greatly in every aspect: in people, in yourself, in society, etc. You start to question yourself because for once, nobody's there to give you all the answers. I've grown a lot through the experience. It was really rough, but it was definitely a blessing in disguise? MAYBE. CAN BE, That's new. You really never know what you've got 'til it's gone. I have big plans for this year. Despite my many set backs. I miss...all of you :'(

MY TURN.

2009-01-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

"So now it's my turn. Now, it's time for me to take care of me"

It's my turn ..right? MY TURN. Mine. I like how this situation is entirely inevitable. The moment I feel like I'm doing something for me, the moment I'm as focused as I can be, my biggest motivating force always seem to work against me. How this happens is far beyond my understanding. I coulda sworn this time it was my turn. I promise I'm trying.

On the other hand I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm finally no longer stuck. Progress is being made, and I am learning...I'm definitely learning.

....These past couple of weeks have seriously been rough on me, but (thanks to a good friend of mine) I've realized that I can't take it back. I can't take any of it back. But, I can make sure I don't lose focus for the same reasons. I'm only human. I won't pretend it won't happen again. But I'm trying. I swear I'm trying. Change is far too necessary. It's time for me to really check myself and make some adjustments. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but who's ever really ready? I'm as ready as it gets. So, here's to another sick attempt to stay focused. Too many mistakes have held me too far back. Too many worries have caused me to waste too much of time. This cycle is .. too much, and the weight is getting too heavy. Despite my many set backs, I trust everything will work out-- whether it's smooth sailing or not.

On the bright side, --I'm waiting for the bright side.

--More of what I need, LESS of what I don't.

So True.

2009-01-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

"Your close friends become your worst enemies, lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent ones turn into sluts, homework goes in the trash, soda becomes vodka, kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from boys were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings, race issues were about who ran the fastest, the only drug you knew was cough medicine, wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut, the only thing that hurt you was skinned knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? & Yet we couldn't wait to grow up..."

On Thin Ice.

2009-01-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

Life is hard when you have no solid ground to stand on, and the only thing you're standing on is thin slippery ice.

New Year, SERIOUSLY who gives a damn!

2009-01-04T00:40:00.000-08:00

DISREGARD ALL MY OTHER BLOGS (WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I WROTE ALL THOSE OTHER BLOGS?!) ... ABOUT HOW THIS YEAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE "A GOOD YEAR." YEAH, YEAH WHATEVER...

SO I GUESS it's another year, a new start, another chance to supposedly "better" ourselves, to forget the past and move forward. Sounds great huh?, but too bad it doesn't really exist. Another year? 2009? People think they care, people think they're gonna change, but they either stay the same, or get worse than who they already are. It's not about starting over, it's not about not looking back, or having another chance, it's about finding ourselves and becoming who we want to be. It doesn't matter if it's a new year, because throughout the year, every year, throughout our lives, we should be trying to find ourselves. People make it seem like since a year has passed by, that we forget what happens in the previous year, when in fact all that happened to us in the past year could never be forgotten or taken back. It's apart of you and it made you who you are today. So were celebrating a year gone by, and new year coming because ? ... we get excited when time flys by? I don't get it? ... Anyways, I cant say I totally hated 2008, but I cant say I liked it either, when in fact i didn't really like anything that happened LAST YEAR... but like I said, it's not about basing your life on life's disappointments or life's great moments, but to find yourself. It's a NEW YEAR, WHO GIVES A FRKING DAMN. EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME. NOTHINGS CHANGED, AND..

SECOND CHANCES NEVER MATTER CAUSE PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE.

& this is why I'm reluctant about EVERYTHING this time around, 'cause I'm scared to get hurt, and I'm very afraid of commitment.

A NEW LOOK.

2009-01-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

So I've been talking to Bree about how I want a NEW LOOK for the whatever you want to call it so called "new year", and with that being said, I'm planning to dye my hair and get bangs and a mullet kinda look, I was reading this article about "How to Pick A Hair Color To Match Your Skin Tone" and it said :

"Let's start with the FAIR SKINNED girls , If your skin makes you look like you're allergic to the sun, (YES, THAT'S ME HAHAHAHA) it's best to stick with light colors: blondes, warm blondes, gold, coppers, natural to strawberry. For the fair girls with a healthy glow (warm undertones): You've got more colors to play with. Try anything that makes you happy: from a Marilyn platinum blonde to the light browns."

So, I'm thinking a dirty kind of blonde like not blonde, blonde hahaha okay, well IDK we'll see whatever I come up with, It's either that or like burgundy a dark kinda red...hehe. We'll see.

STRUGGLE.

2009-01-02T23:27:00.000-08:00

So my cousin gave me this sermon about satisfaction in life and her jibber jabber, and where I guess to find it? IDK, but it didn't interest me at all to be honest, until she mentioned "People have everything they ever wished for, and it's still not enough.". It sorta made me sad and it sorta hit me. It's so hard to satisfy a person, coming from me, trust me, I should know. It's like seriously giving EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING.

Life's so hard when it's not going your way, seriously.

So lately I've felt that no matter how much or how hard I try to make something work, the more i seem to be doing something wrong, well at least according to one specific person. I feel like i shouldn't even exist to this person anymore just cause all I end up doing is pissing that person off. it's not a fun job. seriously, I think this is the end of feeling this way enough is enough,'cause I'm DONE with not being ENOUGH.

I feel like whenever I try to give my best I always get the worst and whenever I feel like there's some hope and just when I feel like everything's going to be okay and get better, it all crashes down, and I'm so confused. I'm lost. I don't know anymore.

"Whatever my heart wants always conflicts with what my head tells me to do,
and I never know which one to follow." -That is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW :'(

I just really miss....

THIS IS MY YEAR.

2009-01-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

This is the year,

-When I finally graduate High school!
-When I go to my own Prom and Gradnite
-When I finally get to move out! ...& move in with Breee!
-When I start college -_-
When I get my license and actually start driving LEGALLY !
-When I finally have the FREEDOM I've been wanting for the past 18 years.

& This is the year where I start all over, from scratch and make amends, changes, and so on.

This is going to be a good year, you know why? 'cause I SAID SO... haha & I feel it [:

I'm praying that 2009 will be mine.

'09 SO FINE.

Psh, I'm Filipina.

2009-01-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

I took a blood & urine test today. My results came in, and this is what my doctor wrote on the back of my result sheet:

Arlaine is anemic (low red blood count). Looks like iron deficiency is the cause.

We usually start you on iron supplementation. You can get iron over-the-counter at our pharmacy (or any pharmacy). Usually we have you start ferrous sulfate or ferrous gluconate. It comes as 325 mg/tablet. I would start with one each day with orange juice.

After a few weeks, you can try two a day (AM + PM), but you may get constipated and have to go back to one.

Lots of beans, meat (if you're a meat eater), eggs and dried fruit - they have iron.

I'd like to recheck you in about 2 months. Just call me if you have questions.

Sidenote: Wow! That's a really low cholesterol - not sure what that means - are you a vegetarian?

Sincerely,

Dr.Ganju
------------------

Wow! NO, I'm not a vegetarian. I mean, psssh! I'm filipina.

New Year's Resolutions '09!

2008-12-30T21:10:00.000-08:00

1. I will or at least TRY to SAVE MONEY! [:- No more "just cause" shopping haha

2. I will Start working out again- I want to LOSE 20lbs. N0t Joking btw!

3. I will Cut back on the alcohol & Hookah.-I'll try not to drink anymore when I'm depressed...

4. I will learn how to say NO!- No more "Miss nice girl" next year, seri0usly. NONE OF THAT. WHY? Read the number 6.

5. I will not let myself be taken advantage of. -Because I allow people to get the best of me. I always try to please people and say yes to everything, but enough is enough. I can't please everyone, so ya know what?! TOO BAD.

6. I will NOT let myself get tangled in my emotions.- I'm so done with letting my emotions get the best of me.

7. I WON'T FALL IN TOO DEEP ANYMORE.-Yes, I'm talking about FALLING IN LOVE. My guard is WAY UP there. No Expectations, No Obligations, & No Disappointments.

-Um, I'll add more to this later...

The Next Level.

2008-12-30T20:57:00.000-08:00

SO, things haven't been all that great lately, I'm not going to lie....I'm just glad this year is almost ending. Thank God, tomorrow is the LAST DAY OF 2008.

Looking back at this entire 2008, so much has happened. Lost some, gained some, lost some more, gained some back. When it comes down to it, I wouldn't have it play out any other way.

I must say, I'm excited for 2009. I have a lot of new goals for this upcoming year. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. There's still so much work to be done in the next couple weeks. I'm definitely excited though.Hm, I have a lot planned ahead of me! I'm pretty excited for 2009. Fresh start for the fresh, NEW YEAR. What's not to be excited about? Kanye's new album, that's what. HAHA!

I definitely lost my clarity for far too long-- I'm so glad to have it back. I do feel a tad silly for allowing myself to get tangled up in my emotions, but it'd be unreal for me not to have been so idiotic. We all fall down. All of us. All the time.- At least I got up.

Apparently, I've been doing some serious soul searching lately. Not that I couldn't find myself or anything like that. It's more on the lines of me wanting to deepen my own understandings.

...Because I'm ready for the next level, and I'm ready for something better-- something real. My walls remain high, and It's going to stay that way. I'm forreal taking everything in day by day for what it is-- nothing more, nothing less. Besides, I don't think I could settle for anything less than God's ultimate best for ME. I really haven't changed.

The year is coming to an end and looking back, it was a HORRIBLE year. I've hated this year after July 17th...BUT I've come to realize more than I thought I could ever realize within a year long period, but that's definitely life; and life is definitely beautiful even in the worst situations anyone can possibly be in 'cause without the good there is a bad and vice versa. 2009 is literally a day away, and Bree & I couldn't be more excited. We've got huge plans for this upcoming year. Lord willing, we'll get where we want to be by this time next year. Motivation is on our side. It's going to take hard work, dedication, and tons of focus. Clearly it won't be smooth sailing, but we're well aware of that. It's okay because like I always say: there's always a bright side.

2009, I'm ready. I mean WE'RE READY.

Baby, It's cold outside...SO WHAT?!

2008-12-26T21:43:00.001-08:00

First and foremost, before anything I just want to say THANK YOU. To all my aunties, uncles, my God father, my cousins and my grandmother for all the gifts, money and warm hugs.

and of course I want to say thank you ESPECIALLY to Bree, Scott, Derrick, Bond, Renee, Alejandro, Caresse, John, Bert, Shonna, Hebert, Allen, Alexis, Aaron, Rachel, Chris and Paul (Sorry If I'm missing anyone) for greeting me an early Happy Birthday and for making my dinner happen and for bringing me joy all year round. I lalalaove all of you guys. Thank you all SO SO SO much.

Special Thanks To Bree, Scott, Bond, and Paul [: You guys are thee best ever.

---

So quick update, Christmas Eve was alright. Christmas was okay. My dinner tonight was almost prefect, and um, yeah pretty much, uh let's see how my birthday tomorrow goes, Shall we?

(Only two more hours)

So, I got all the materialistic things I wanted and AGAIN I thank all of you for giving me all the presents. You guys are awesome. But yeah, I didn't really get what I wanted, and it sucks 'cause I've been waiting since forever and wanting this since forever well It feels like forever to me;

...so again here I am in disappointment, see this is what happens when you expect too much. I should of never expected anything or put my hopes up. I swear to myself never again will I expect anything from this person. NEVER. I was right all along, There shouldn't be any expectations 'cause the more you have expectations the more you invite hurt and disappointment. Yup, stupid Arlaine listening to her heart and not her head again. Stupid me!

See what happens, man I feel like an idiot. I feel SO DUMB. SO DUMB. This is the first and LAST time I will put myself through this. I swear on my life. THIS IS THE LAST TIME. & I mean LAST! and I mean it. I'M DONE FEELING THIS WAY. D-O-N-E!

From now on, I'll have on my IDGAF attitude on (: Yupp. All I can say is OH WELL.

So my birthday is pretty much ruined. well It's all good 'cause this damn whole year was pretty much ruined from the start. Screw everything, Screw 2008. This year was like Hell...Glad It's almost over. I HATE THIS YEAR. So it's all good. No worries. Hah. like I said, Whatevs from now on. So WHAT-EV-ER. Okay well that's all for tonight.

Thank you again, You guys know who you are! XoXo - LOVE YOU! haha well SOME OF YOU! (:

LOVE-LIFE.

2008-12-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

..OH OH AND as for my love life which I know everyone's been wondering and asking me, oh wait I forgot to say...YES, I have an existent "love life" now hehe! and I must say It's great It's getting better. There's a slight chance that I might be ummm haha well it's actually far too early to say anything. But let's just say "IT'S GETTING THERE" and I can happily and proudly say that I'm Happy and Hell YES I'm in love...SO IN LOVE.

My soul has never had this feeling-feels like gold (well ALMOST) I don't even know where to begin, but he's got so much love in him. He always has, and something tells me he always will. Never once has he failed to be there or see me through the toughest of times- when everything was hard and my poetry lost it's rhymes. Through thick and thin, regardless of the trials we've been through. I swear I've never been so high off of love because I've never really known a love that could take me up so high. & By all means, it is different this time around. I know it is. Clearly, nothing's for sure. No lines have been drawn because I'm too much in awe to even know what this really is. But when worst comes to worst, my people do come first-- my people being him because he's really the only kind of people I'll ever need. So when all is said and done, whenever I figure out what needs to be said so it can be done, I'll know for sure that regardless of the outcome ...I've already won.

..and I'm really, really missing you :'(

2008-12-16T21:11:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out my room today, and I stumbled upon so many things that really made me sad ...So this is really weird, this just hit me just now or just recently I've been thinking about everyone at LOH and It finally sunk into me that I really don't go to that church anymore and that I'll hardly ever see these people anymore UNLESS it's a special event or occasion.

...and to be completely honest, lately I've been missing everyone...as in EVERYONE. The past couple days have made me realize quite a bit. I miss having an Ate Sheryl or an Ate Faith or an Ate Char to cry to or to laugh with and sit down next to every Sunday. I miss having a Jim, Er, AND Paolo to get mad at and yell at and be mean to, and I miss having a Kuya Tom to laugh with and share all my secrets to. I miss singing up on stage and help lead worship, I miss the food that Ate Knatz always brings every Friday and all the Birthday's on the first of every month. I miss core advancement and what not. I just miss absolutely everything. I miss our pastor's. I miss being so close to these people :(

...now I'm just some girl that visits their church once every blue moon. I miss being their "little sister"...I know and I understand that everyone must be really busy 'round this time of year and stuff...but I feel so left out, so forgotten...no one even calls, texts, messages, or hardly leaves me comments anymore. I miss those...I never thought that the move from one church to another would affect me this much...but really it does, It hurts. I know God has a plan for all this, just like Halcon told me earlier and maybe one day or someday when I find out what his plan for all this is...everything will be good. I feel so illiterate right now. I'm slightly upset that I can't find better words to express this, I just miss everyone SO MUCH.

...and IF any of you guys are reading this...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me, text me WHATEVER just anything...something when you guys have time. Keep me updated, please? It would really put a smile on my face (: Well I doubt that anyone from LOH is reading this but if you guys are, I just want to say that I miss ALL OF YOU and that I love ALL OF YOU...and even though things have changed...you guys are always with me...here in my heart :)

XOXOXO
-Arlaine

ENOUGH.

2008-12-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

So lately I've felt that no matter how much I try to make something work, the more I seem to be doing something wrong, well at least according to one specific person. i feel like i shouldn't even exist to this person anymore just cause all I end up doing is pissing that person off. it's not a fun job. seriously, I think this is the end of feeling this way enough is enough, im DONE not being ENOUGH.

But if Truth Be Told.

2008-12-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

Everything WAS good, almost perfect -hence, too good to be true, then 2008 came and everything turned into Ugh, gosh I don't even know the word for it. But, Thank God 'cause this stinkin year is almost over and I can't wait. Let me emphasize that

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS YEAR TO BE OVER.

Stop the Games.

2008-12-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

My choices have definitely been poor lately, but can you really blame me? I've gotten far too good at being able to justify my actions that I've tricked myself into believing I'm simply in the wrong now. Then again, it isn't really my doing. There I go again justifying myself. Does it make me selfish? Probably, but that doesn't really matter.

Things have gotten far too unbalanced. I hardly ever regret, so I'm not a fan of wasted time-- but maybe, just this once, my struggle was in vain, but I can't blame him because it was my fault for getting in too deep. I like how I've become an even bigger hypocrite for wanting him to speak up and just be honest, yet I can't do the same. Again...just justifying myself.

Boy, lately...

2008-12-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

So I've been iffy about a lot of things lately. I feel like everything that's been broken in my life can never be fixed and that i'm forced to move on or get over it. It's NOT as easy as people think it is, and yeah there are people out there who can just get over the fact that they've been hurt and that they shouldn't stop their lives just because of life's disappointments, but it's not that easy for me. I mean, everyone's different right? This year I've learned a lot about myself and others and also changed, idk if it's or the better or for the worst, but im here. And as of right now, im pretty confused and sad, so I guess things did change for the worse. Life's so hard when it's not going your way...

So basically, I'm just trying to be okay like before. Not having to depend on anyone other than myself because seriously, depending on someone to make you happy or keep you sane is NOT reliable. You earn your happiness, and only you have control of whether or not you're happy. I never really realized that until I lost the one thing I depended on the most. It's pretty pathetic counting on someone, when you have yourself. Your own self is the only one you can truly count on and trust. I guess lately I've been having some trust issues, I've been like this for a while now. But instead of worrying about trusting someone, why trust anyone but yourself? right? Anyways, so far it's been me and only me, along with some of my very few great friends helping me get by every single day of my very confusing life.

Things are far better off this way. I'm too familiar with this cycle. It definitely cannot be stopped, but I can elongate all positive vibes to out-do all negative aspects. Changes have been made, and lessons have most definitely been learned-- but it doesn't end here. Not even close. It's true that nobody really knows what they really want other than what's good at this moment.

For the most part, I know where I want to be, for now at least. With the right steps and the right drive, it's most definitely attainable. We've got nothing but time on our hands. It's not necessarily true, but it's good enough for now. I told myself I'd never settle for anything than my best, but I guess this is really my best for now. Things will be much better soon enough.

Happiness is definitely a state of mind. If there's one thing I've definitely learned, it's that. You are however you see yourself. You will feel however you let yourself feel. All happiness is in the mind, as Vaughn's fortune cookie has stated. I knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing, so I didn't bother pretending it would be. That much doesn't matter though.

I wish I could buy me...

2008-12-04T22:46:00.000-08:00

A spaceship and fly...far,far,far away.

It's good to dream. It's even better when you make them real.

I WISH JULY 17th NEVER OF HAD HAPPENED.

" Hold me close, I hate you the most"

My Christmas Wish List '08

2008-11-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

1. Anything that comes from the heart (:
2. Maroon shoes from Vans
3. Rain Boots from Vans
4. 25 Red Velvet Cupcakes from Crumbs or Sprinkles

5. A bouquet of flowers!
6. Marc Jacobs perfume
7. A Gift Card from Urban Outfitters or Gilly Hicks
8.$$$ ching-ching hahaha!
9. hah, undecided.
10.A BOYFRIEND...haha NATTT!

and for..My Birthday Wish List:

1. 27 Red Velvet Cupcakes from Crumbs or Sprinkles
2. 27 milk chocolate covered strawberries!
3. I want to be taken out to eat at a good restaurant!
4. A bouquet of flowers!...that smell & look good haha [:
5. ~~A BOYFRIEND~~

...Okay I don't know what else I want, but I shall add on more as soon as I can think of what else I want. but honestly, I don't really want or need anything this Christmas, no seriously. I'm not even joking.. I just want for everyone to have a great Christmas, that's all. -I'M BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS.

& YES, Thanksgiving my weekend was bomb! (;

Lovelife with a Side of Scandal? NOT.

2008-11-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

Everyone talks like they know w'sup, but they don't-- at least not when it comes to me. It'd be the biggest slap in their face if they had even the slightest idea of what I'm all about. Too bad I love my life far to much to really give a crap. My lack of interest for such people and situations can definitely be the cause of my downfall considering I've lost people that way, but it happens. Like my cousin says, "there's a reason they can't stick around." I miss her. I swear to you that I wouldn't be half the person I am today if it wasn't for her. Real talk. She really is the biggest influence of my life. Hah, too bad she's bad fricking news-- and I mean that in the best way possible.

There's a slight chance that I might be um-- it's actually far too early to say anything. So just like every other blog I post, (to avoid talking about that) I'm going to tell you about how great life is..well how great PART of my life is minus all the drama at home-- but not really. It's getting harder and harder, but it's most definitely do-able. Things are good. As long as I stay on top of things, I'll be GOOD. I'm not really worried much about anything anymore, just going with the flow. You know how it is. I'm finally finished with all my college applications! Now all I need to do is wait for those acceptance letters to start rolling in [:

Can you guys believe it's December 1st tomorrow? whoa! It's almost 2009, and I'm pretty excited. 'cause I just want this year to be OVER. I HATE THIS YEAR, I swear it's cursed. I have BIG plans for this upcoming year... and I know it's definitely going to be a good year, you know why? 'cause I said so...soo stay with me now.

*28 more days 'til My Birthday (:

P.S I'm feeling really down right now, well kinda...I just really miss everyone at LOH, I miss my old youth group :( *Sighs

Growing Thin.

2008-11-19T21:49:00.000-08:00

To be completely honest, many of my friendships are being tested right now. I definitely enjoy good company, but please don't ever think I need you in my life. It's gotten to the point where, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I'm keeping track of faults. Yeah yeah, love keeps no records of wrongs I know. I love because I love to love. I forgive because I can. I tolerate because I can. I do what I do because I can-- but I refuse to be taken advantage of. My trust is growing thin because I know I don't need the BS I'm currently receiving. The past couple days have made me realize quite a bit. I'm definitely taking on far more responsibility than I have to because I know I can handle it. But in order to handle it well, I'd have to make some changes. I'm not having a hard time putting my priorities in order, so that's not it at all. All I know is that it's time for a change, and I'm more than willing to make those changes-- so do not stand in my way.

My list of true friends have gotten much much smaller. I've said this before, I know. You truly do win some and lose some. All I know is I've got a good bunch right now. There's a reason the ones who were lost couldn't stick around, I'm sure; but it was good while it lasted.I've definitely lost many, but my loss is nothing compared to what I've gained. It's funny how I didn't realize that even if you lose some, there's always that slight chance you might gain them back. Oh, how I've really gained some back.

I've taken "overwhelmed" to a whole new level, but it's nothing I can't handle. But please, stop the games-- I'm far too tired to really do much. As for the rest, it is what it is. I'm definitely learning.

I'm focused, I'm motivated, and I'm ready.

Prove your worth.

2008-11-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

Story of our lives: it's a battle- a never easy, never ending battle. We're fighting in a sorry world filled with poor quality people who don't know their worth. I'm not sure what's worse: not realizing your significance or having a legit understanding of your value, but not living up to it. Nobody can be trusted, and secrets are never kept. People nowadays create bonds with others in hope that it will fill the empty gaps. We've taken dependency to a whole new level. The slits in our souls caused by insecurity cannot be band-aided by false certainties. Not for long, at least.

We cannot depend on other people to fix our problems or carry our baggage because we're all only human, and we're only ever going to be human. We all fall down, and that's okay. You don't fail when you fall, you fail when you don't get up. Our situations do not make us different. The way we deal with stress and negativity is what allows us to rise above the rest. We've become far too lazy and undetermined-- far too similar to one another because nowadays being different is looked down upon. Morals have been twisted and turned into something completely illogical. There's more life going on than I will ever be able to understand, let alone imagine. There comes a point where you really need to take a step back, check your life, and justify your worth-- preferably to yourself. After all, you are the toughest critic in your life.

You truly can't love someone 'til you love you because you can only love someone as much as you love yourself. I have learned to differentiate what I want from what what I need. I wouldn't call myself Miss Independent, but I definitely have my own thing; and I'm most definitely the kind of girl that knows what she wants.

Moral of today's story: Prove yourself. Double meaning intended.

Lacking Logic.

2008-11-18T21:38:00.001-08:00

Over analyzing hypothetical situations can screw your mind over. I cannot depend on my feelings to help me differentiate the levels of intensity that reality brings. Once my emotions get inner twined with the stress of figuring out a problem that does not exist, I lose all sense of logic.

I feel so illiterate right now. I'm slightly upset that I can't find better words to express how I'm feeling right now but screw it. A LOT of things are bothering me right now...But I rather not try to get my point across here anyway 'cause there's far more to life than I have been allowing myself to live. and I know there's worse things out there than my pitiful drama. The world has a lot more hurt than I've probably felt, and a lot more love than I've been giving.

-This is me being completely illogical.

It's all good.

2008-11-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

This over exaggerated cycle of emotions have been a real pain. I'm up, I'm down. I'm sure, I'm confused. Who cares? I don't. I have my head on straight and my goals laid out before me. I already know it won't be smooth sailing, so I'm not going to pretend it is. I'm beyond blessed, and this time it won't go unnoticed. I will take no credit because all I did was complicate the simplest of things. Seriously. It's alright though. Falling doesn't matter. Well, it does -- just not as much as we make it out to be. My blogs nowadays have absolutely no flow to them. It's definitely sad, but I'm really not about to look into that.

My priorities are in order (Faith, School,Career), and it's all good, literally. All I really have to do now is follow through. Things have been getting better, well I mean I know things will get better...'cause the new year is almost here. I'm beginning to find faith in the way things are all over again. Things at home are going pretty good despite the regular imperfections-- but you really can't get rid of those, so I take it this is as good as it gets. No sarcasm intended. My game plan for school is going to be a tough one, but I'm ready. I can do this-- I know it. As for my dreams, it's time to focus. Thank you to my new consultant, Melanie, for being the motivation I really need. Really.

--I really am learning to have faith in the way things are. It is what it is when we do the things we do. No strings attached. Although, I'm down to be serious when you are. I don't know what it is about you, but.. but I'm learning to love every bit of it.

5 more days [:

2008-11-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

November 21st

Wake up Call.

2008-11-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

It amazes me how much strength someone can give me without him even knowing that he's my ultimate source of it. Even if he did know, he probably wouldn't accept any credit because he's just that type of person. Through rough spots, rough stops, and all the heavy heartache, one person has been able to see me through it all and never spit judgment. Only one person has been able to live tough love with me completely. This same person, so far, is the only person who can really put me in my place.

So, wake up call. Nothing is certain. Tomorrow is not promised. The mistakes we make daily cannot hold us back from living because we don't know how much time left we have to live. Scratch that. The mistakes we make can hold us back if we allow it to. But since we don't know what tomorrow will bring, if tomorrow will even come, then it gives us all the more reason not to allow such things to take control of our lives. Work harder, laugh longer, and love better because at the end of the day you have more than you think. And at the end of the day, you are far more blessed than you realized. & Clearly I have forgotten that.

All this living has got me loving to the point where I'm too numb to feel any pain, too high off life to be brought down, and too smart to not see things for what they are.

I'm not entirely naive. I know things don't last forever, but that's why we're going til we can't go any more; fighting til there's nothing left to fight for. Hell yes, everything happens for a reason. I've learned to find those reasons, test my waters, and always look forward because the past can get too distracting.

There will always be too much to look at causing your view point to be far too fogged to understand your present and future. The hectic scene can cause you to anticipate far too much from the little you've allowed yourself to live which gives you all the more reason to just live because time really does fly. All things really are possible, so by all means: live, love, and laugh because things are a lot better than you realize. If you do realize how great things are, then raise the stakes. Intensify it. Life is too short. You'll never have "just what you asked for" or "what you've always wanted" -- YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WORK FOR. So, do work.

Sorry McCain,

2008-11-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

So let's just all hope for the best now...haha!
Oh & YES for PROP 4 & 8 :]

If you guys didn't know I wanted McCain to win.
Yeah, you read right, I WANTED McCain to win...Oh well.

-P.S Sarah Palin is stuuuupid!
Poor McCain ):

HSM3.

2008-10-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

-Someone, Anyone take me with them to watch this please (:

Twilight!

2008-10-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

--I've read the first three books, I just need to buy the fourth book which is "Breaking Dawn"... I can't wait, 'til the movie comes out in Nov. I'm so excited [: You guys have to buy yourself a copy of each book, It's one of the MUST HAVE kinda things,OH & watch the movie with ME when it comes out!

2008-10-29T19:35:00.001-07:00

The Movie comes out on: November 21, 2008

Things and such...

2008-10-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Study for Sat Subject Test which is this Saturday (Nov. 1st)
Finish Notes and Review Questions for First Period By Fri.10/31
AP Lit: Read Brave New World ,Gulliver's Travel & Huckleberry Finn
AP Lit: Re-write BNW essay!
AP Gov't: Listen to the National Public Radio before 10/31 and write an Essay about it
AP Gov't: Read & Do packet's for Chapter 4 & 5
AP Gov't: Finish ALL Political Platform's By Nov. 14th
AP Gov't: Finish 3 court cases by the end of next week
AP Gov't: Start doing research for the topic on our next Debate
AP Calc: Finish ALL homework/classwork By Fri. 10/31
AP Bio: Study for the tests on ALL the Chapter's that were covered
Need to Register for the ACT + Writing Test in December
Need to finish applying/filling out ALL College Apps. By Nov. 20th
AP Lit: Need to do an Essay on the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Henry, Part 2

See, this is WHY I've been so so soo BUSY lately!
& this isn't even the half of it, I shall add more when I remember what I'm missing.
I have NO BREAK -__-

Obama or McCain?

2008-10-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

Anyone want to find out who's in the lead to become our Next U.S. President?

Go to : http://pollster.com/

It's updated Daily likewise,every hour; so It's always accurate.

-As of now, Obama is in the lead. 311 for Democratic.

One more week 'til the Election, All of you 18 year olds and above better vote! haha (:

Mm, Red Velvet.

2008-10-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sprinkle's Cupcakes are so BOMB! Someone has to get me 27 Red Velvet cupcakes from this place on my Birthday haha! [: This place is so awesome, everyone has to go there and try it!

http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/index.html

http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/index.html
http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/index.html

It's in Beverly Hills :
9635 Little Santa Monica Blvd. (Between Bedford & Camden)
Which is 2 blocks West from Rodeo Dr.

My door's are closing...

2008-10-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

So with my last blog being said... I've decided that, I'll be layin low for a while; for a LONG WHILE. I'll be MIA from now on 'til who knows when, I'm keeping my distance from everyone, from everything. It's nothing personal, I do miss a lot of people but I'm just not in mood to you know... get in touch and get in contact everybody, & I apologize to those people who have been calling/txting me like crazy; trying to get to me... I'm not dead or anything, I promise I'll get back to you guys, one of these days; someday. But yeah for now, I'm staying away from myspace, facebook, aim, this thing, and my phone. I won't be completely gone, but IF I'm needed you can find me in a library or something, that's IF I'm needed. Which I highly doubt. Well, this will be my last blog for now, 'til I actually have something nice & interesting worth talking about...'til then I'll catch ya guys later.

-Have a lovely, fun & safe Halloween everyone [:

PS.
2008 is cursed. This is the worst year of my life.
I hate, hate, hate this year.

Peace & ~~Love~~,
-AMA

" I'm currently away from the world right now..."

Selfish.

2008-10-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

-I want you to myself, I can't help it.

I always told myself to never hope: Hope for nothing, become disappointed in nothing. Still, I can't help but be a little bit selfish every now and then. Too bad this time I'm being a lot selfish. I promised I'd fight it so I wouldn't ever want what I can't have, but it doesn't always happen that way. See, sometimes the desire of one's mind overpowers what's in their heart -- worlds apart typa thing. Oh, but that's never the end of it. We build walls, allow people to tear 'em down enough to hurt us, and then build em again. Same process of the same gdamn cycle. So maybe this time I'm genuinely not kidding when I say, I really just want to be left alone this time. I play this game too often, but never purposely. I know how to get in, I know how to get out. I'm tired -- so so tired of playing a game that I can only win at my own expense. I refuse to lose focus for nothing. It's time to focus. For once in my life, I'm closing my doors for me. Selfish. But, It's about time I became this selfish.

So, my vacation is practically over. Sadly, I'll be back in school on Monday. Ah, two months went by hecka fast. Before you know It's December already. Man, back to bittersweet reality. Party time is over for me. These next two months will be CRUCIAL. But it's okay, I'm ready and I know time will fly by fast and I won't even realize it. But for the next two months I'll be MIA for a very very very long time and I mean LONG TIME. *Sighs I miss a lot of people right now, like it's not even funny.

Eh, I feel kinda Ugh I don't even know right now. I just don't feel good for some reason. Physically & Emotionally...But I rather not go into details here, like I said I wouldn't do that here anymore so yeah...nothing's entirely wrong, I just want to be more than 'okay' . Ah, Bree is rubbing off on me, we're in that depressed kinda mode :( ahhh. whatevers, I hope this whateva I'm feeling just goes away. A lot of things are bugging/annoying/irritating/frustrating me, & A lot of people are just driving me totally nuts...

I'm an emotional wreck right now.

Lucky Number 20.

2008-10-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

1.) I really could care less about you & your pathetic little girlfriend! YOU, are soo ugh I don't even know who the heck you are anymore, and your girlfriend... well she's just childish and stupid, maybe that's why you guys make such a good couple. You were better off with your first gf.

2.) I really don't know how to consider us anymore... are we really friends? or we just all of a sudden stop being "friends" then befriend each other when we get the chance, or when you decide to talk to me again? I thought we were good then you'd bring the "silence" and over and over again. It's getting tiring and I want to settle because I've been trying to prove a point you've doubted in the very beginning, if it goes the other way, then obviously I was wrong.

3.) You, are such a pathological LIAR! YOU know it, & everyone else knows it...and It's getting so annoying. PLEASE, grow up and find a brain of some sort some where, seriously 'cause you look so stupid.You're like a 6 year old student telling their teacher a dog ate their homework...You can be so dumb, SO DUMB sometimes.

4.) OH YOU! I can't really cant relay my feelings to you. I have before, but I'm passed that. I don't even think about you, anymore, but in the rare times that I do. But at the same time, I no longer want or really need you in my life, quite frankly. I just keep it to myself at those really rare and weird times when you come across my mind.

5.) AH, I love you & I'll always love you, you're like family to me, but lately the choices you've been making are kinda ehh. & It's kinda disappointing me and a few other people that really care about you. We just don't want you to turn out like other people or should I say other girls out there, and hopefully you stand by your word this time now that you've made up your mind.

6.) I just really,really, really, miss you :(

7.) You, are like my mother haha! Thanks for caring about me soo much,I really appreciate it, even though I know you have problems of your own, but you still take the time to ask how I'm doing. I know that I can always come to you for anything.

8.) I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you wanted it to or PLANNED to. I truly never meant to send you the wrong signals.I had no clue what I was doing. Everything that happened between us was in the past and I already forgave you & I hope we can still be good friends later on in the future, but for now I guess it's better off that we just keep our distance.

9.) Oh You are such an odd one! We are so dumb, sometimes. I can't believe the conversations we have. You're someone who has brightened up my life, no doubt about that & everytime I see you, I can't help but smile 'cause you just crack me up. I miss you dearly!

10.) YOU, OH YOU, yes YOU...I just love you. PERIOD. I don't know who I am in your life but I'm grateful I am to have you a part of mine. You will be in my life forever. We've shared some intense times together.I love how I can be totally serious with you and we can talk about stuff that makes us cry or we can be totally immature and just say the most ridiculous things about people.You really blow me away even though you can be SUCH A JERK sometimes haha but knowing you, I can say "I know the most handsome guy on earth." Thanks for putting up with me for about 2 years now & you're right no on can ever possibly do that, just you :)

12.) I've known you for about 6 or 7 years now and I'm glad to say you're the only friend I've never fought or argued with. haha, we still hang out with each other during school, yet still we don't really say much. but it's just good to know that we can still share memories/stories with each other and have a great laugh. Ehh, You have been so girl crazy lately though -_-

13.) We havent gone anywhere. I tried so hard to try to get to you & make everything cool between us, but you're so quick to go hot & cold that I dont know how to keep up, It just sucks, because I thought we had this tight friendship, but im guessing that when you were one of the people that I prioritize, I was just an option.Oh well, now that I think about it, I really could care less about you and whatever the heck you do.

14.) UGH, you. Stop acting like miss goody two shoes over here that has an invisible halo over your head... 'cause I'm not buying it this time. Stop acting like you can party or you can dance, It's annoying! You're fake, and thats not pretty or hott so stop thinking you are, cause you're only pretty, from far away. You dont have to suck up to me or try tp befriend me 'cause it isnt going to make you more appealing to me. I would love to break it to you, that not everyone's gonna like you.

15.) BACK THE HECK OFF. Don't you already see all the signs I've been sending you?! Hello! I don't freaking like you! UGH ewww, get over yourself. seriously! You're so ridicoulously self centered.I hope you get your face all messed up cause once that's gone, you're absolutely NOTHING.

16.) ....I really don't know what your deal is. You are bi-polar, I swear you are. I try to be so perfect for you and yet you still don't see all the good things I do and that hurts. I try so hard to please you, to please people you want and expect me to and in the end, it's all for nothing. You always assume this & that and whatever and to tell you the truth I'M SO SICK, SO TIRED of trying to be the best I can be, JUST FOR YOU. You never appreciate the little things I do and it really sucks, but it's okay 'cause I'll be gone from here, from "your roof" next year of Sept. and we'll see who goes crying back to who.

17.) I miss you so so so much! I miss sitting next to you every Sunday and massaging your hands and singing with you on Sunday's...I really hope you don't forget about me, and I hope you don't replace me with anyone else, I hope I'll still be your little sister the next time I see you.

18.) You'd be a lot more attractive if you didnt have thinner eyebrows than me, haha ew! I don't know what in the world is my cousin still doing with you. EW! It's just gross, you're not even good-looking, cute or handsome. You think you are, but you're just a dillusional person which is really sad, you wanna-be playa! UGH. I can't stand you or your face.

19.) It's soo funny how you & me just became soo close all of a sudden, You're like an older bro. to me haha thanks for always making me laugh and checking up on me to see if I'm alright. I hope everything between you & ______ work out they way you want it to.

20.) & You little girl, stop being so insecure, YOU'RE TOO INSECURE thats why your ex doesnt really want to get back with you. & I can't believe you think he's trying to "holla" at me...my goodness you have one crazy imagination. You are so indecisive, make up your mind. You can't just go back to him after you're done messing with a whole bunch of other dudes. I mean seriously, who do you think you are? and you get mad at him for talking to other girls, YOU THINK he's supposedly flirting with. Oh please, grow up.

-You never miss a good thing 'til it leaves you.

2008-10-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

I love, love, love, LOVE this weather. I live for days like these, not too sunny, not too cold,just right. I can't wait to get out of here and walk around my neighborhood later...

So, I just came back home from school, I went to pick up a few books to study for the SAT & ACT tests, and see some familiar faces that I've missed oh so very much, hehe oh and take quite a few pictures of everyone. Yes, that was fun! *sighs, school is just around the corner for me, but It's about time 'cause laziness has hit me so I need to be more productive and what not.

--Despite the recent (almost unbearable) events, I can honestly say that life is good. Last week my life felt like it was crashing down. So many things happened all at once, and in such a fast pace, that I wasn't able to assimilate to the temporary changes. For a moment I really thought that things will never be the same and that this will always leave me in shock, but here I am coping and picking up the pieces.

In the end, I know that I have people that love me unconditionally and I have myself. I have a few loose ends to work with but I'm certain that I can fix it, given the opportunity and a lot of hard work. I'm ready.

Oh & btw, HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY SARAH JANE. I LOVE YOU!

-CIAO!

By the end of this week I have to:

-Hang Out with Caresse,Derrick,Bree & of course Paul.
-Finish ALL my vacation Homework!
-Go to work & change my schedule
-Start working on my Political Platforms
-Start Studying for the SAT Subject Tests I have to take on Nov. 1st
-Clean out my closet
-Write a letter to someone
-Start working out again...hahaha!
-Start to finish filling out the ALL College Apps.

Um, am I missing anything? I don't know. I shall add to this if I'm forgetting something.

Have a lovely week everyone.

Painfully Beautiful,

2008-10-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I told myself that I wasn't going to blog anymore of my feelings in this thing anymore, but hah, guess what? things change haha, I mean that's the whole reason or should I say point why I'm even blogging in the first place, Am I right? besides to update you guys on whats veen going on with me & to keep everyone updated. Well with that being said I'll keep most of my inner thoughts to a minimum, I won't totally blab about how I'm really feeling, 'cause yeah I don't want to get introuble again, & NO ER, not by my parent's haha!

So moving along, this is my last week of vacation (sadly) wow, two months went by hecka fast. But it was REALLY FUN while it lasted. Eh, back to reality haha so long 'good life' haha. These next two months (Nov. & Dec.) in school will be CRUCIAL for me, but I'm ready. But alas, all my priorites are back in order. Like I said before, my drive has had the velocity of a snail. I know I clearly haven't been at my best, and I know saying it over and over again won't do anything, so It's either I make some changes or I stay in this rut I've been in for about 3 months now...

I was cleaning out my room today, and I stumbled upon so many things that really motivated me. I found a lot of my old notebooks, old drawings, etc... I'm so insanely motivated to make something of myself. Like I said a few days ago, you really do always find your way back to your roots. I really haven't changed. My passion has caught up with me; it's not allowing my apathy to get the best of me any longer. Finally!

Praise you Jesus, for motivating me yet again. I can't keep taking breaks the way I do because I tend to let go of the things I'm so passionate about. I have a drive like no other; it's about time I learned to use it fully. I waste too much time thinking about what I could do, what I should've done, where I could've been at, and what I need to get done in terms of my career as opposed to straight out doing it. There's so such thing as trying, in my eyes -- only doing. You're either doing, or you aren't. Trying is a sorry for excuse for those who feel their goals are unattainable. I know I got this on lock because I've got an amazing group of loved ones on my side. Like I always say: Effort -- make none, get none. Sometimes you've got to make all the effort. It's really the only way. I'm more than okay with that because this is all worth it. I've got my head on straight, all I need is to make some changes and start really making moves. I really just need to focus better.

This is the best I've felt in a long time, I feel good. I'm okay. I'm praying that 'everything will be okay' . I REALLY miss everyone at my old church but, I know I'll still be seeing them around, this is all just temporary. Like Ate Kk told me: "It doesnt matter what church you go to, what matters is that you worship GOD and serve him with all your heart."- & when she told me that, It really hit me. She's right & that's so true, we don't go to church for the people, we go to church to worship and serve God. It made me feel better when she told me that...I miss a lot of you :(

I'm in love.

Love,
-Arlaine

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are..."

Mhm.

2008-10-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll be writing anymore of my INNER thoughts in this thing anymore, my feelings just get me introuble. From now on, I'll just keep it to myself. If you guys want to know how I'm doing 'emotionally' or whatever you know how to contact me , but from now on...I won't be sharing what's going on inside this head of mine. Nope not anymore. I mean seriously, It's not like anyone really cares about how I'm feeling, so I rather just keep it to myself from now on. Actually I'm thinking about deleting this thing and no more blogging for good. Hmm...we'll see.

No more excuses.

2008-10-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's true when they say that nothing in this life is handed to you -- nor is it meant to be. Nothing of worth is supposed to be easy. We've been generally warned. We know it, but we ignore it. I've been ignoring it. I've been disregarding the knowledge that's been implanted in my soul so heavily for the longest time. I've grown ignorant to all the aspects that made my life THE good life -- THE life to live. I'm not a believer in high pedestals, but I sure as hell do not believe in ever stooping down even in the least bit. I've talked about this many times; told myself that I know what to do; told my girls the steps I need to take -- but it doesn't do justice if I don't start to live it. I may not be living the way that everyone wants me to -- but when have I ever gaf? Never, really. I haven't changed in the least bit. I'm still completely ridiculous, still struggling, and still fighting, nothing really changed, but I never expected it to. I'm not the type to quit. I was never the type. It's all about perspective. See things in my light -- it's better in this light.

So no more excuses, and that goes for everything. You make time for what you love. You work hard for what you want. If you're really in it to win it, you'd do all it takes. YOU'D DO ALL IT TAKES. No excuses.

I don't even know.

2008-10-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little ill, and it's put me in a full doughty thought mode right now. As the pastor mentioned today, we are all driven by our own pursuit. Though I was so exhausted from a long night, I knew that I was inclined to get through the rest of my day. Actually, these past few days have been a little rough on me, I woke up this morning feeling numb. no feelings, just... nothing; something that I wish I could wake up more often to. I've been waking up to worries and nightmares and my mind has just been such a mess. Things that I won't mention here, but after yesterday this morning, I can breathe. There's something that I should have realized awhile ago. It's most definitely here in my heart. It's just going to take me awhile to say it...

Those who fail to plan, plan to fail?

2008-10-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

So today is the first time I've step foot in a church in a month, it felt weird but at the same time I felt good inside, to finally be in a place where theres peace. So, my dad wants me to get involved with their Music ministry there, but ehhh not feelin' it. I miss my old church too much, oh so very dearly. I wanted to cry 'cause I miss everyone so much...I actually did cry during the service. I miss singing in church and sitting in between Ate Faith & Ate Sheryl every Sunday. It feels akward sitting down next to my parents, but it's okay though...I guess. I just miss everyone. It sucks 'cause I didn't even really get to say goodbye to most of the people there. ahhh, I just miss everyone ): They've been there for me at my worst and at my best. *SIGHS , but there's really nothing I can do my parent's don't want to go back...yet. Hopefully they'll change their minds sooner or later. HOPEFULLY. but for now, I guess I'll be MIA for a while...for a LONG while. I hope I see you guys soon, I love all of you haha well almost all of you...

I plan to focus on what I have now and make the best of every moment. I'm hopeful for the future. I just wished sometimes I could be a bit more optimistic than doubtful about the people that may or may not stay in my life. It's not like I can plan to keep them... How do you revolve yourself around that? I'm so intrigued to wanting to know how couples stay together for soo long. Why do we wait and let things happen the way theyre supposed to go but contradictingly they all say that if you don't plan a future, then you won't have one? The hell. This is why I always keep that partial distance with everyone so it can keep me from hurting, ever....if I were to lose them. But why am I contemplating on the negativities of what may not happen? I don't know!!!

Just a few thoughts.

...I'm not gonna go into details. The outcome, I can assure you, is going to be gruesome. I honestly think that I've endured enough pain and punishment. Sleeping around 4am is enough to make a girl want to hit her head against the wall (I didn't hit my head against the wall, but it was one of the options). I now have what I call "hamster eyes" from the lack of sleep and the insignificant amount of tears shed. This is going to be a long day...

-Arlaine

Rambling.

2008-10-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

Looking back at everything I used to do, everything I used to love, but no longer do just makes me sad. I'm gonna be completely real, it straight up makes me sad. I haven't changed much, I know I haven't. Bree & Caresse can back me up on that. It just kills knowing I let go of a lot of things I used to love the most. This is definitely not gonna be a sad blog whatsoever. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm definitely touchin up on all the things I used to do. I'm making a pact with myself, and I know I can't bare to disappoint myself -- not anymore. I'm better than this. I let go for too long, so here we go. I used to be all about perfecting the things I did. Yeah, yeah, no such thing as perfect. BUT, that's what I always strived for -- in a sense that I'd just get better. I'm so rusty now. I can't do half the things I used to, and that's just SAD. I'm dead serious too. I'm getting this all back. I waste too much time, but now all I have is time. So, you know.

There's really a million and one thoughts going through my head; it all makes sense, but it doesn't. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. I'm happy, but I'm sad. I'm not quite sure of anything, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it'd be this: No regrets, it was not in vain. I know I can't take anything back, and I really don't want to. I really wouldn't want to. I won't be okay because nothing's wrong -- therefore, I AM okay. I'm blabbing. I've been blabbing ALL day. I'm at the point where I have so much going on for me that I really don't want to talk about any of it. In fact, I don't want to talk about anything at all. --UNLESS YOUR NAME IS BRIANNA CYNTHIA MITJANS OR CARESSE ISABELLE FERNANDEZ. They're really the only people in the world that I feel like conversing with, right now. Literally. It's okay. It's always okay with them to be blabbing my mouth off.

So much life going around. First off, Bree & Caresse are really the only people who understands this part of my life. Sometimes, I'm amazed. I've told this story more than once before, and yet they're the only people that I've never felt stupid telling it to. All self-consciousness has left me. This isn't confusing whatsoever; in fact, it makes more sense than anything else I've ever known. I'm really praying things work out for the best. I believe they will one day.

I don't know why this is so hard. I mean, I really am okay. It's the first time I've been this okay in awhile. Still, I don't know. I want so much to just fix things, but I really don't know how to. I want to be able to just leave it alone, but at the same time, I can't. The beauty in this stands firm for my perspective isn't fogged at all. I see pretty clearly which is why I'm definitely okay right now. I just wish I was more than okay. Nothing's entirely wrong, I guess.

Like I said, nothing's entirely wrong. I'm really okay, or at least I just have to keep telling myself that. I guess this is just a process or phase that I'm going through, just starting to get used to everything.

--I've been blogging on my myspace too, so you guys can read that as well, if you'd like... just so you can understand more of what I'm talking to about, 'cause I clearly don't make any sense right now...

-AMA

Colleges-UPDATED!

2008-10-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

So with a lot of thought and debating put into this, I've finally decided what colleges I really want to apply to:

-The ones with the * are the school's that I'm definitely going to apply to.

1.UC San Diego-not sure anymore :/
2.Irvine*
3.UC Riverside*
4.~~UC Santa Cruz~~
5.UC Davis*

6.~~Richmond University in London~~

1. Cal-State Dominguez Hills*
2. Cal-State Long Beach*
3. Cal-State North Ridge*
4. Cal-State LA*

5. San Francisco State University-not sure
6. San Diego State University -not sure

--So now, all I need to do Is start applying. haha oh and get my SAT & ACT tests down & finished! Wish me luck loves.

Eh, Here I go!

Getting, Going Somewhere...

2008-10-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

Lately, my drive has had the velocity of a snail. I clearly haven't been at my best, and I know saying it over and over again won't do anything. I've really got to find the motivation I once had. Apathy has its advantages, but it has more cons than anything. Plus there's really only so much Nasty that can do for me, you know? I know. I got this, I know I do. I just hope I can get stay on track for more than a couple days -- and stay on it for quite a while. This is nothing I can't handle. I just need an attitude adjustment. I also need to get rid of the many distractions I have in my life right now. You know, the ones that really only bring me down for even just a little while...Better decisions include a lot more thought and a lot more logic. Am I right?

I know I can't keep taking breaks the way I do because I tend to let go of the things I'm so passionate about. I have a drive like no other; it's about time I learned to use it fully. I waste too much time thinking about what I could do, what I should've done, where I could've been at, and what I need to get done in terms of my career as opposed to straight out doing it. There's no such thing as trying, in my eyes -- only doing. You're either doing, or you aren't. Trying is a sorry for excuse for those who feel their goals are unattainable. I know I got this on lock because I've got an amazing group of loved ones on my side. Like I always say: Effort -- make none, get none. Sometimes you've got to make all the effort. It's really the only way. I'm more than okay with that because this is all worth it. I've got my head on straight, all I need is to make some changes and start really making moves. I really just need to focus better. Help me, Jesus.

Oh, and don't you dare stand in my way.

Now a side of old roots. I'm back to the way I used to be. Now, that could definitely be both a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I've once again been enlightened to the extent of a brand new, old perspective. If you were me, that would totally make sense. I'm not even kidding. Now, bad because I'm starting to do a few of the things I used to -- & that's definitely not helping out any situation. Especially because my apathy has once again gotten the best of me. I'm really just living now, and like I said: it could definitely be both a good and bad thing. I'm stuck in the middle of figuring out which side weighs more. I really haven't changed. I doubt I ever will.

There's so much life going on, but that's not new at all. I've been enlightened, really. Praise you, Jesus, for fixing my fogged up perspective. Things are clearer again. It must be all the love?

-AMA

Building Walls.

2008-10-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

Someone told me I'd be able to take the walls down because I'd find people I can really depend on. Oh, how wrong they were. Let's be real. For the most part, you really only ever have yourself. Truth of the matter: This is your life; your decisions lead to your actions that create your consequences that you have to deal with. Yet, focusing on yourself means you're selfish. Focusing on everyone else means you're too soft to deal with your own. Not at all. I'm not gonna put up a front like I know your business, 'cause really, I don't.

But I do know mine. I know that only a few people know the real Arlaine Ablaza, and only those people are welcome within the walls I've built. I was naive enough to believe the person who told me I'd be able to take 'em down one day, but not naive enough to let my guard down. I know my walls will only ever get higher 'til I meet the person who surpasses all ordinary... It's kind of like soldiers. They don't build walls because they're afraid, but because they're smarter than your average. They know when to come out to fight, but they know when to stay put and wait for better opportunities. It's a strength type thing. So this is me continuing to build my fort, waiting for better people and better days. It ain't easy, but nothing of worth ever is. Ever. You know how it goes...

I'm beginning to see the beauty in everything all over again. It's hard, but I know this struggle's not in vain.

...And alas, my priorities have started to fall back into order. Today was such a productive day, I'm not gonna lie. There's a few things I didn't get done, but there's a lot more things I didn't plan to do that I ended up doing. It's a lovely feeling -- accomplishment. Lately things have been reminding me why exacly I do the things I do, and really, it's such a blessing. I've still got so much work to do, but I also have so much determination to do so. I don't know what touched my soul so lovely in the past couple days, but I praise Jesus for sending it to me. I'm so so so tired. I've really been forcing myself to see clearly with the lights off -- apparently, that does me no good. Though, it really should've been obvious. Fact of the matter is I'm getting there, and it's a good feeling... Oh, it's a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l feeling.

Almost there, not quite...but almost.

College Apps. already? WHAT?!

2008-10-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

So I've been starting to look for Colleges to Apply to & I think I've finally made my mind up about which ones I want to go to, so here it goes:

UC San Diego

UC Irvine

UC Riverside

UC Santa Cruz

and MAYBE

Richmond University in London- (UNLESS someone talks me out of it haha!)

and IF all else fails...(Oh God I hope not)

Cal-State Dominguez Hills

Cal-State Long Beach

Cal-State North Ridge

Cal-State LA

and last but not least...

San Francisco State University

San Diego State University

So, all applications are due by November 30th, Ahh I need to start like NOW!

Ahh I'm going to be so so busy when I get back to school. I can feel the pressure and stress coming on already, Man funs over for me. These two months left of this year (Nov. & Dec.) will be crucial for me. VERY. I mean VERY...UGH. Wish me luck you guys & PLEASE, please,please keep me in your prayers! Hopefully I get accepted in ALL the UC's I applied for, oh & as well as the Cal-State's too, haha but preferably the UC's hehe thanks.

Man, so I have to get my SAT Subject test done by Nov 2nd. & then after that I have to take my ACT test and then after that I'm going to take my SAT 1 to try and get a better score than I did last time... Ahhh I have to get this all done by Nov. 30th and plus get all those apps filled out before Nov. 30th as well. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :/ these are the times when I wish I was still a little girl. *Sighs. Time is flyinnn by too fast :/

-AMA

Time for a Change.

2008-10-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

-Pardon my last blog entry, that was uncalled for but that's how angry I felt.

These past couple months I've gone through more than a young girl should. It's been filled with more blasts from the past than necessary. In fact, sometimes I wonder how I ever got through any of it in the first place -- or the second, or the third. You'd think it'd get easier, but it really never does. My decisions have clearly been impaired with everything I once lacked, and everything I've learned to fill for myself. I got so caught up with how hard it is when you put it all together that I forgot how easy it is to ask for help.

There's so much more to life than I've been allowing myself to live. I've made more than enough mistakes in just the past couple months -- mistakes I can't take back, but I've learned never to regret. It's a lesson I learned a long time ago. To be honest, I'm not fully okay just yet. I know I will be in time because I refuse to stop fighting. I refuse. Screw you nostalgia 'cause, in a little bit longer, I'll be more than fine.

So clearly my judgment for the past couple of weeks has been very much plagued with mediocrity, as my best friends would say. I have definitely not been cracked up to what I'm supposed to be, but it happens. Once again, I've been elightened. By what, I'm not sure. I just need to constantly remind myself that I'm better than the things I pull.

Life, It's not always rainbows and butterflies -- TRUE. BUT, that's because life's got hell of a lot more to offer than just rainbows and butterflies. There's so many aspects to look at, but you know what; life's just too good sometimes. I've got so much weight on my shoulders right now, but this is the best I've felt in awhile now. In fact, I feel myself getting back on track. I always tell myself that I really won't get anything if I, myself, do not make any effort. You'd think I wouldn't be happy with myself considering the decisions I've been making lately, but apparently, I'm starting to think a little wider, see a bit clearer, and love a lot better. This life I live is one hell of a ride, but I'm telling you, every single part of it is worth it... Many ask me, "Hey Arlaine. Why don't you regret anything?" I really just smile and say, "because I know that at the moment, it was exacly what I worked so hard to get, exacly what I strived so hard to be, and exactly what I wanted." So on the real, you don't live the good life based on what you got or who you can get. No, not at all.

Oh, I don't know what hit me, but I thank God for it. I'm back. Arlaine is back. I've figured out what's made me the way I've been for the past couple of months, and it's most definitely time for a change. Most definitely. Life is so so beautiful. My excuses for the way I've been acting is not justifiable. Sometimes I wonder how many times I can go through the same thing, but hey that's life. I don't know. I really haven't been acting like myself lately, and I've finally realized it... Screw nostalgia and apathy.

This is me taking it back to where it all started -- because my best gave me the strength to do so. & There ain't nothin like it.

Now, time to make those changes.

#### OFF!

2008-10-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! We're not together dammit, Is everyone satisfied?! my frkn goodness! People, will you just mind your own god damn buisness for once. seriously! omg! I'm so pissed off, I have a very very very low tolerance for sh_t talkers so please just #### off! Don't #### with me, seriously.DON'T... ESPECIALLY NOT NOW. You guys haven't seen me at my worse yet so just leave it that way 'cause it won't be pretty. I'm not even kidding. The next person who starts talking sh_t about me or even dares pisses me off, I swear I won't even think twice it's f_cking on. I swear.UGH! I have sooooooooooooooooo much ANGER bottled up inside of me right now, like it's not even funny. If it has nothing to do with you, just #### off. seriously, making more sh_t than there already is. Gahhh. Just mind your own effin buisness. Stupid a-hole. Don't even get me started...'cause I won't stop. Stop being a little ##### If you have sh_t to say, say it infront of my face, dumbass! Talk is cheap, so just stfu. Before you start talking get your effin facts straight stupid. & especially If it's not your buisness, just stay out of it. We're not together, so what else do you guys f_cking want, seriously. Aren't all of you guys satisfied already, geeez. WTF?! WE'RE NOT TOGETHER, what else do you guys want to take from me? huh?! I mean seriously?! what the hell! what else do you want?! What!? do you guys not have anything better to do with your boring lives?! gahhh. I swear, people these days gahhhhhhh. I'm so jkehfjkfhksdhfksfhksdhf pisssed offf. I can seriously shoot someone right now. You don't know sh_t about me, so just keep your frkng mouths shut! and again, I'm not a subject of your effing ignorant gossips. So just shut the hell up. Before I shut you up myself. GET YOUR FRKN FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FRKN MOUTH DUMBASS! jhsfdkjfhkdsfksjfksd!!! Okay, I'll stop here before I say something else that might offend someone. Ugh, I'm soooo annoyed/pissed off/ frustrated jkfhkjfhdskfdskjfsh!

--All of a sudden people got game, and they all know how to play their cards right? Too bad I got this on lock. Think what they want, they're only just amateurs, forreal.

I love you Bree & Caresse [:

Breesseaulaine.

2008-10-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ahh, It's October alreadyyy! Whoa! The Holiday season is just around the corner, and as well as my Birthday (: hahaha!

So today, wassss fun! fun! fun! 'cause I spent it with the most wonderful people ever...Bree, Caresse & Mr. Nehemiah :] so G-dale was fuuun. haha, but you guys had to be there to know what I'm talking about, Caresse's face was pricless I tell you! oh & btw, me & Bree have a new MOM now, and her name is Caresse hahahahahaha right Bree?

(Thats our MOTHER in the middle) LOL! ...aww Paul is missing :/

-Bree said: "haha she is our mom! she has a mommy bag with taco bell napkins in it. lol! you can tell i'm the bad kid cause my face.lol and your smile says your mommys lil angel haha"

Well anyways moving along, ugh today was another freaken hott day ew! It felt soo humid, sticky & what not, t'was so G-ross! Me & Bree felt like pulling our hairs a while ago out 'cause It was soo hott & we were soo HUNGRYYY!

Aw, I miss them already :/ haha and to think I just saw them like four hours ago or so, but heyyy that's a long time, I mean four hours lol that's long enough to miss someone if you haven't seen them. haha. Well with these people I miss them from the moment I walk away from them, haha (AWWW) yeah I know, I'm such a sweetie pieee....hahah NOTTT! just kidding [: But yeah, today was GREAT eventhough it was frickin hott, but it's all good at least I got to spend time with the bestS...HAHA! mhm, good day overall.

UGH! My legs are killing me, I'm soo sore ): and Caresse made me sprint for a minute just made it even worse hahaha oh yeah btw, did I mention that she almost, ALMOST killed me today. haha. yupp! I nearly died today 'cause of her! haha!

Hmm, I guess thats pretty much the highlight of my day, work was alright, just tiring standing there and greeting everyone... lol, I think I've said "Hi, welcome to Hollister, Have you been to our new store 'Gilly Hicks' at the Americana yet?" over 8374984734 times already! oh gosh. oh and this one is my fave "Bye! Have a nice day!" hahaha.

It's so hott, I'm going to shower again...like RIGHT NOW! So I guess I'll end this here, I'll probably blog after I come back from SD! I leave 12am on Friday btw, hehe don't ask why we're leaving at that time,'cause I don't know, haha So bye for now everyone [: Have a lovely weekend!

-Love you Bree,Caresse & Miah [:

"I'd be lying If I said losing you was something I can handle..."

Confused as heck.

2008-09-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

So, I've had an o-kay week so far. ehh nothing interesting worth talking about. Yenno, same old, same old, hahaha...like when do things ever get better right? & If they do, it's only temporary...haha. ohh-kay thennn, moving along.

Soo what's good in the neighborhood everybody? I miss a lot of people right now, no one really calls or texts me anymore, it's pretty sad. I REALLY miss getting random phone calls & nice/sweet txt msgs, *SIGHS...where is everybody? is everyone, just busy all of a sudden?...it's either that or I'm just being forgotten now a days. Probably my second guess. But, it's cool. ehh I guess everyone just has more important things to do now a days. Everyones getting/going somewhere. I guess that's understandable, but it would be nice to get a phone call or at least a even a txt msg from people that I havent heard from in a while :/

I am...Unmm, I don't even know right now, I'm having all these mixed emotions & what not...I'm feelin kinda jealous, but can't say why here...but uggh I feel stupid for even feeling this way, but I don't know, I just feel really jealous right now, & I hate it. UGH. I hate this feeling, I feel pathetic cause I think It's ridiculous & stupid why I'm feeling this way...someone please smack me hahaha. no really, please do. ehh I need it. ahh, I feel so stupid. Will someone please tell me why I'm feeling this way ??! & then kindly smack me after that! heh, Thanks... euiyreueiwuyeiueirew!

Confused? Goodness gracious, so am I.

I don't believe in promises & now that I think about it, I'm afraid of commitment...just a few things I've learned about myself lately. I miss...*SIGHS

--I read someone's xanga a few mins ago, & I feel really horrible right now :( 'cause this person means a lot to me, & It really affects & hurts me to know that this person feels this way. I wish I could somehow make everything better for this person, or at least cheer him up in any way possible, I wish I could take all the sadness and pain away. If I could, I definitely would. I know it's so hard for him to keep himself together, & I can see that he's struggling, even though he doesn't show it, but I know he is, deep down inside. It's not easy waking up every morning & realizing that the one person that means the most to you, Isn't there anymore, It's not easy to hold in all the tears when you feel like breaking down & crying...I can't imagine how he feels, cause I'm not in his position or shoes. But I admire the fact that he still stands strong. I know he's been through a lot and I just want to be able to be there for him, to make him happy, to make him smile 'cause he deserves it for being such a good person that he is. I feel really bad for all the times I've said things to him out of anger that I didn't even mean. I wish life was like typing so that you can always go back and delete your mistakes...but what's done is done. So now, I really just want to be the best person I can be for him, 'cause he doesn't need this crap. He deserves to be happy... and to YOU, (you know who you are) If you're reading this, I want you to know that I love you and I'll always be here for you, no matter what the situation or cirumstances are and... I won't ever leave you.

I hate this weather, it's sooooooooooooooooooooo frkn hotttt! It's annoying I have a frkn migraine cause of it. UGH. I want to swim in a pool full of ice in it...haha (like I can swim lol) Okay it's scorching hott in my room, I need to get out of here, so I'll finish this later or manana when its a bit cooler.

-AMA

Clear my mind...

2008-09-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

My weekend spent in the valley was wonderful, besides the fact that IT WAS FREAKEN SCORCHING HOTT OVER THERE, ugh!, like no joke It felt like 110 degrees or something. seriously!... but anywho, I had a great time with my cousins & aunts and everyone else. Our nights conversations,playing poker & DRINKING are always endless when I'm over there, haha. that's cause my cousin's house is a "Partyyy House".(HAHAHA) mhm, haha Yeah well funs over for me, hah 'cause I'm back home now, mhm yep "back to reality" (sadly) *SIGHS...Back to my grip and grind guys. -Ugh!

On a more depressing note:

So, My Aunt in SD died today, she had cancer ): (my mom's side) at 11 in the morning, so I won't be in LA this weekend either, I'll be in San Diego. I leave Friday Morning...*Sighs. I'm glad I saw her though the last time I went to SD. The last time I saw her she had lost all her hair already 'cause she was on soo much medication & she was going through a lot of chemo & what not, I guess it was just her time to go. ..I feel so bad for my cousin Vanessa, (Ate Van, I love you!) and my uncle...she's the only child & she was REALLY REALLY REALLY close to her mom. It's so sad. kjsfhdsjfkshiyeggejdas. :( Just talking about all this is truly depressing...

So I guess it's time I open up my mouth about this and just put this out there already, so as most of you all know, whoever is reading this that's from my church...um, IF you guys are wondering WHY? I haven't been to church, singing in church or going youth night lately is 'cause We're moving churches & there is NO WAY in this world that I can change my parent'S minds about this jkhdjkdkjshk...We're leaving church for the stupidest reason ever, It's ridiculous. like seriously. It's such a stupid reason to move churches. STUPID I TELL YOU. UGH...I rather not explain why in detail here but yeah...just letting all you guys know now, so It won't be such a big surprise later on :( this really REALLY sucks, I mean seriously this is like affecting me in every worse way possible. ahhh, I miss everyone already, like no joke I feel like I havent seen anyone in quite a while, I miss all of them already. *SIGHS ahhh. this is so stupid. soo stupid. I'm so annoyed, po'd right now because I think this is so ridiculous! ...but there's nothing I can do about it...jkfhkjsfhskjfshdj AHHH. I mean I've been going to this church since I was 6 I practically grew up in there & met some of the greatest people there who have been there for me & affected my life in such a positive way, (which I may add that they aren't just friends to me anymore, they're all family to me.) ahh, this really blows just talking about it makes me want to cry...so I'll just stop here. I miss everyone too much :(

I'm so I don't even know. I've been down in the dumps for ages now. This needs to come to an end. like seriously...UGH. Okay,I'm getting tired, I'll update more manana. Have a good week everyone.

-Arlaine

"We're all waiting for something, but I'm probably waiting for nothing..."

"This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try..."

2008-09-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

Um, I don't know what to write. This weeks almost over, can't believe it's Friday again tomorrow, man my vacation is going by fast ): I'm going to be really busy these upcoming weeks...

hmm, Let's see what's on my agenda:

09.26.08-work @ Hollister 9:ooam-1:oo pm then work @ Modeling Agency 3pm-7pm

09.27.08- AP Bio. Meeting 9am-12pm then work @ Hollsiter 3:00pm-7:00 pm

09.29.08-work @ Hollister 1:00pm-6:00pm

10.1.08-work @ Hollister 12:00-4:00pm

10.2.08- I don't know yet? (Hopefully I'm off this day!)

10.4.08-AP Bio. Meeting 9am-12pm then work @ Modeling Agency 12pm-6pm

...I shall add to this as the weeks go by.

Man, I'm turning into a WORKAHOLIC just like Bree. hah, well it's better than me just staying home and doing nada, am I right? haha, I mean don't cha think so? I'm actually being productive for once..haha! You guys should Congratulate me for that.

Today, was a very fun but as the same time a very exhausting day..."I'm pooped"

Mhm, um I'll update more later on, I'm too lazy right now. hehe, tootles :)

P.S.- You guys can visit me at work IF you'd guys like to! haha [:

"You simply can't make someone love you if they don't..."

2008-09-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning was such a dread. I didn't really have any plans today but I decided to be resourceful and productive today, but that didn't happen either. I WAS suppose to go jogging early in the morning & then go to the mall, but eh I got too lazy.

...Besides the facts of my day, lately I've been thinking alot about what belongs and what doesn't in my life. Do I really need a boyfriend? Do I need to do anything at all to be more content? Should I move out? I don't know. Yes. and I REALLY don't know.

I'm really trying to find a balance between what I need and what I want. I wish I was more capable of focusing on what I need more than what I want. I just seem to lack both...lately I seem to lack everything. The only solution really is to just start being more determined with what needs to be done... 'cause I seem to be careless when it comes to it. I seem to be care less with a lot of things lately, is that bad?

I'm so stressed out right now, you guys have no idea what so ever. I'm just soo overwhelmed with everything, with everyone...& especially the drama here and the chaos there. I mean my goodness. Am I a bad person? Is this why all this misery is slapping me in the face?

Oh I don't know, eff it...eff everything. I'm already depressed as it is. whatevers...I wish I can just say that to everything and to everyone ...whatever.whatever. WHATEVER!

Like I said in my last Blog..."We are the cause of our own misery by how we think of the world and ourselves."--you guys can quote me on that :)

What-ever, goodnight/goodmorning!

I HATE HOW EVERYTHING IS SO UNCERTAIN. UGH!

-AMA

I...

2008-09-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

give up on everything & everyone.

I've lost my faith in everything...in everyone.

"...and the moment I need you, you're no where to be found"

Learning...

2008-09-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

...I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, a lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love warm hugs, or just a friendly pat on the back or even just a simple smile. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

-Concept of non-self:

Nothing has an independent self. No thing, no person. We depend on our past to what decisions we make today...and there is no such thing as a fixated person. We are the cause of our own misery by how we think of the world and ourselves.

-Attitude/Right intentions-The desire to change direction can make us less miserable. It's the dynamics of desire. Changing habitual reactions of what causes constant pain can be a mere intention to fix self by changing desire and learning from past experience.

--It really all makes sense if you really think about it. Nobody is independent. We tend to cling on to things that make us happy and sometimes we start to become dependent on that one thing or person that makes us happy. Sort of like an addiction.

I LOVE YOU BREE :)

-AMA

Sick, Tired & Uninspired...

2008-09-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've been sick on and off now & It's really getting annoying, boo mother nature is messing with my system & I hate it! I woke up today running only with four hours of sleep 'cause we had to drop off my sister at UC Riverside earlier this morning, & we just got home, I know I should be resting cause I'm so exhausted from helping her load & unload and upack all her things and helping her get settled, and walking up all those stairs plus walking down all those stairs. Boy that was soo tiring! When we were done helping her get settled I wanted to be carried back to the car, (too bad I didn't) I could barely walk to it...yeah thats how exhausted I was. Oh yeah, did I mention that It was scorching hott over there man I felt like I was in the Sahara Desert or something, hahaha, I highly doubt I'll be going to UCR especially w/that kind of weather ew!

& Then there where five...

So my sister is gone now, I miss her already...aww poor me! ahhh it means more responsibilites, ew! LAME! hahahaha :( (grow up Arlaine, grow up!)

I'm so tired right now, I'll update more later or manana, I'm too lazy...I've had a hectic Saturday & Sunday, I need some shut eye. Tootles (:

...To Be Continued.

September 20, 2008.

2008-09-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of Bree, Paul & Me haha we actually got to pull it off (hah, well kinda) -Caresse's Surprise 18th Birthday Party @ Bj's, haha I guess I can say that all that stressing all three of us went through a while ago paid off? haha yes, It was all worth it...anything for the sweet Caresse of course, she deserved it [:

How do I describe my night in one word? hmmm...wonderful? haha, Yes my night was WONDERFUL (: It was fabulous being surrounded with such wonderful friends! hah, I don't even consider them friends anymore, They're all family to me... I had a lovely night with Caresse, Bree, Paul, Jennica, Luis, Allen, Shonna,Sylvie, Bert, John,Ben, Scott, Alexis, Kish, Sam, Bond, Irma & Her Bf (lol, sorry I keep forgetting his name >.<) Gabriel & Philip...aw, too bad Chiara wasn't there to celebrate with us ):

So to sum it all up...I had a great night, great food...NOTT (I hated what I ordered, stupid Paul jocked my first order!) It's so funny though, 'cause we both ended up picking the same order, which was so weird, haha but I guess thats what happens, heh GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE! haha but anywho I definitely had great friends there :)

*SIGHS, everyone's growing up. everyone's getting/going somewhere...time flys by soo fast, next thing you know It'll be my turn (: ... NINE more months for me! I'm in no rush though, lol well not really...BUT I do wan't a tatoo now haha! I'm trying my best to make the most out of my senior year...even though it was already prettty lame to start with since all my senior loves graduated ): It's all good though I'm glad we all still hang out even outside of school.

So, my sister is leaving today at 9am. which is um 8 hours from now? well yeah she's going off to college as well, her packing has officially begun haha, It's 12:20 am & she's still not done packing. It's crazy. she has soo much stuff & a whole bunch of new stuff to bring with her, haha poor her. Honestly, I'm pretty bummed that she's leaving... the house will be so different, so empty & quiet without her. It's just the me, Leilani & my little brother now...which means I'm the eldest now and I have to step up & start acting like it. My parent's gave me a lecture on how I'm supposed to me more responsible & all these new responsibilites that I have to take care of and do, since Dearah isn't here to do them anymore. I feel like all of it is already starting to hit me. I feel like the whole 'Older Sister' or 'Ate' whatever you wanna call it, is starting to get to me. I'm not complaining It's just that it feels weird, 'cause Dearah is usually always there to do almost everything & help my parents around the house & stuff like that...It'll take some time for me to get used to. Yenno what I mean? haha, yeahhh so no more... little bratty girl status for me, hahaha. I have to "set a good example" from now on for my siblings. Hopefully, I get my act together and do a good job at it...hah, notice I said HOPEFULLY, let me just put that out there hahahaha!

I realized a lot of things about myself tonight, & I'm proud of myself, I can't say why or go into detail here, but yeah... I feel good right now. I'm so proud of myself, 'cause I'm doing the RIGHT THING for once in my life (:

I'm glad that I'm FINALLY able to move on from whatever happened in the past and just forget about it, and start over with some people, I'm happy with where I'm at right now, I'm not fully satisfied but it's enough satisfaction I need for now to keep me sane haha. I feel invincible right now, so no one ruin it for me okay? hah, thanks that would be greatly appreciated!

...and as for love bittersweet love, It's getting/going somewhere? hah, I have no idea where but I'm just going with the flow...It is what it is, and it will be what it wants to be. I honestly dont know...

Well goodnight/goodmorning loves, I'm going to rest now.

With Love, Hugs & Kisses,

-Melinda

"...and it slowly fades away"

You Give Me Something...

2008-09-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

I am falling in love with this song, James Morrison is amazing! I want to learn how to play it on the guitar, (Someone teach me! haha please?) ...Marie Digby also did a great version of it too (:

If someone serenaded me with this song, I'd probably fall in love with them too, hahaha just MAYBE. hahaha (;

"For every piece of me that wants you, Another piece backs away"

Breeaulaine Day :)

2008-09-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Haha, so today was great, 'cause I got to spend it with my two favorite friends Bree and Paul (:

It was fun hanging out with them, The conversations are never-ending with Bree & Paul! and Neither are the laughs, for the record. haha, (Bree, I hope me & Paul kept you entertained LOL! )

We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, mmm! Oreooo Cheesecake! YUM! ... Some WAITRESS named "Christian" was tryna hit on Bree hahahaha, just kidding...NOTTT, It seemed like she was trying to, hah eww. But yeah...she did look like a dike though (no offense) I was kinda weirded out by her, she had staring problemos.

Anywho, so yeah after lunch the three of us walked around the Americana looking for...I can't say it here but yeah we went walking around looking for some stuff, and that was fun too especially the part we're Bree showed me this Sex for Dummies handbook thing in espanol, (& NO THAT WAS NOT WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR! ) hahaha!

So moving along, Yes! today I must say was awesome for the most part...except the part where it was hecka burnin hottt outside, ugh I hate this weather. I'm getting darker. haha, EW! Well that's all that pretty much happened today, It was lovely just in general, loved every minute spent with those two. Okay that's all for tonight. I'm exhausted, I have work from 1-7pm tomorrow ): LAME!

Currently Listening To- You Give Me Something By: James Morrison

I am not...

2008-09-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

Okay, so I think I've got that pounded down inside my head now. I just needed to do that, to remind myself and this head of mine that ...I am not his girlfriend...we're just friends, yeah just friends. I think I've got it now.

" It's like waiting for rain in a drout...long & dissapointing"

To the oh so WONDERFUL Caresse Isabelle Fernandez...

2008-09-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

Happy 18th Birthday!!!

Hope you have the best birthday ever 'cause you deserve it (:

Have a Happy Birthday Sister!

I LOVE YOU! :]

Until The End Of Time...

2008-09-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

I am in love with this song, listen to the lyrics, I dare you not to fall in love with it.

"...cause if your love was all I had in this life, Well that would be enough Until the end of time"

Chaos.

2008-09-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

Theres so much on my mind right now. I've been trying so hard to get my life together but theres always that thing at the back of mind that I know I can't control. Sigh.

Today was very stressful. Theres so much crap to do and I'm depending on myself to do it all. I don't want to complain but it seems to me that all the help that I'm getting is the help from myself. I really try to also be there for everyone I care about. But I would never expect anyone to make any sacrifices for me that they didn't already want to. Which is fine with me. Thats why I call myself independent because to me, I know how to handle my own. Being unobtainable or independent is not just about distance or physical proximity. It has to do with how much of your mind space everyone has access to. I try not to show that I'm struggling ever. And I think thats why a lot of people think I've got it down. It's really hard work.

During these times of focusing on whats more important, I am, what I need to work on first. And thats something I need to keep telling myself everyday. Because I do care a lot about my friends and I seem to be putting a lot of them first. I just need balance.

I'm really trying to find a balance between what I need and what I want. I wish I was more capable of focusing on what I need more than what I want. I seem to lack both. The only solution really is to just start being more determined with what needs to be done. I seem to be careless when it comes to it. Eh. Its just the truth.

So today, was terrible. It was bad thing after another and after another. effin crap. I seriously feel that I've been making horrible choices lately. My priorities are eff'd up more than ever and I'm so distracted by everything. I guess you can say I'm one of those "having her moments" typa chicks that really can't stick to a set agenda. My life runs sporadically and everyday is a new crazy story. I just don't share it with the world. I just dont think my life would be that interesting to hear anyways. I'll eventually have to learn things the hard way, don't you think? And they are finally hitting me now and hitting me quick. All I really need to do is chill. I know that unlike most people, "Normal people", the majority of my time I'm actually wasting my time away doing unimportant crap. Almost like this blog.

Its like once every blue moon I get knocked up with some sense of stability and reassurance in my life. The common things that are noticed every day by a responsible person. Yea, I'm a f_ck up. Arlaine f_ckin up. So, I know my problems aren't as bad as most kids my age, but seriously, I have never felt so troubled before. I'm always with that eff it mode and my minds so used to sticking to that mentality. I really feel that I need to really change and step up, like foreals, in my studies. Its now or never. I even cleaned up my entire room hoping to keep myself busy and a little bit more at ease. It helped just a bit. Talk is cheap. And I know starting today, things will change. It's all up to me. Anyways, I think I have done all the venting I needed to do.

Waiting, Wishing and Wanting...

2008-09-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

...With only a third of the recommended hours of sleep, I felt incredibly groggy and sick this morning. It isn't the greatest experience waking up, getting dressed, and walking down the stairs when your eyes are half open, teary, and witnessing doubles.

This week just sucks! the love sucks, & it might just get worse. I miss my best friends, and lately I find myself missing Paul most of the time. I need to calm down, but there's just no opportunity for me to do that. man, I hate it when im like this.

UGH I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND IT'S KILLING ME. I can really use some salt,lime & Hornitios right about NOW! It sucks to want everything and nothing at the same time.

It's been two months since we've broken up...and I've been debating with myself every night, weighing the pros and cons of what to do with all this...

It sucks knowing that he can never look at me the same way again or atleast feel the same way about me again, and It hurts me knowing that I'm NOT the "main girl" in his life anymore. It really blows... and for some odd reason It's been bugging me A LOT lately, like its REALLY BEEN BUGGING the heck out of me. I spend almost every second wondering and worrying when will things ever go back to how they used to be, or I mean at least back to normal.

When people ask me how me & Paul are doing or if we're together or not, I want to be able to give them a straight answer, I want to be able to smile (: and say "yes we're doing good" and "yes we're back together"... NOT just smiling/laughing or walking away everytime someone asks me that. (which I have been doing all that for the past two months now!) and It REALLY SUCKS.

...and the thought of just letting him go...I mean honestly, who am I fooling?... "It's easier said than done"-and that is so true, soo true I tell you. Everything is easier said than done... and me being the Arlaine I am, I can't let go. Not in a million years that is. Letting go is not even an option to me, its a form of making myself feel even more miserable ): I can't do it, I just can't.

Ugh, every aspect in my life just sucks right now. I mean everything just totally blows right now and I hate it. I absolutely hate hate hate it! I hate everything thats happening right now.Everyhing is really difficult right now and It's really hard for me to trust that everything will be okay, 'cause It's hard to stay positive when there's only negativity all around you.

Oh and one more thing...to top it all off, I just lost another friend ugggggggggggggggggh. Eff all this seriously. It's all Bullcrap. It is. AHHHHH!

I don't know what to do anymore. someone help me :( I'm so lost.

If no one can help me,someone just shoot me, that's even better, and right about NOW would be a good time to do that.

That's enough for today, I'm not feeling good and I'm pooped!

ENOUGH SAID.

"...I'll never let this go But I can't find the words to tell you & I don't want to be alone, But now I feel like I don't know you..."

Tres.

2008-09-16T00:04:00.000-07:00

Some people say that...

"Third time's a charm."

and I find that to be true :)

So Innocent and Pure (:

2008-09-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

Meet my new baby cousin Maddie...

Welcome to the family baby Madelyn, Born on 9.14.08

Isn't she adorable? Can't wait to see her in October (:

I just realized...

2008-09-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

that things will NEVER be the same again and knowing that is truly depressing ):

Someone cheer me up. Please.

It sucks just being...wait nevermind, I rather not mention that here or at all. scratch that.
ahhhh. I need help.

I'm so LOST right now.

"...but you say I'm just-a-friend"