I am...

a total mess, NO not even that, I'm a wreck. Can someone please remind me who I am again? and what the heck I'm doing again? Please, cause I clearly can't remember WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING ANYMORE. I'm soo lost, where are they when I need them? where are any of you when I need you :[

Imisstheonlypersonthatsmeanseverythingtome.

God, can ya holla back? Please, that would be great.

Trying to find that all elusive piece of mind...

All I can do right now is just smile, I'm in the best mood I've been in, in the longest time. What came over me?! I have no idea, but congratulate me for this new insight, The past couple of days have been really good for me and I have a lot of people to thank for that, but my gratitude us ultimately towards my one and only Jesus. I couldnt do it without him. I can't do it without him.

I've learned a lot about myself and others and It feels good, not because I learned new things but because I'm finally learning to do the right things, and not just be so selfish all the time. I've found new ways to live right, and new motives to live for. It's a really nice feeling.--Actually they aren't new at all, but they definitely found their way back to the top of my life after being lost for too long.

It's game time, no blindfolds, no towels, no game plan. I'm playing it by ear because lately It's been my best bet. Everything will fall into place when the time's right, To be honest they already are. I can feel it. Then again, I can't really trust my feelings. I can, however trust my mind and my mind's telling me that tomorrow is going to be another good day. Things are going swell, Its clearly NOT PERFECT, but it sure is good...and that's all the satisfaction I need right now to keep me sane...and as for everything else I'll leave all that up to my father above.

The world is a mess but I'm not trippin.

...and as for you, You were right all along, and If I had some sort of time machine I'd go back and fix all my mistakes...but I just wanted to thank you for absolutely everything,You know I still love you and care so much about you, and of course I miss you more than anything and I don't care what everyone else says or thinks about US... but you're right babe we do need to find ourselves and Hopefully one day, someday...we can start over or pick up where we left off from, and If ever that day comes, everything will be 20 times better than it was before. I'll always love you and I hope you know that.

EXCITED :)

Now that I think about it, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??! Thank you Lord for this new insight and for opening my chinky eyes.

I'm not going to lie or deny it but the pass few weeks have been HELL for me and I mean HELL and now I think It's coming to an end. FINALLY...

I'm excited for this week and especially next weekend! hehe CANCUN here I come (: I mean here WE come. 'We' as in me and my lovely co-workerS (; I hope I don't get too dark.

Soo I'm getting my car soon and I'm pretty darn happy, like really really really happy...and I think I'm in love. uh-oh...

Oh Yeah btw, I just got interviewed yesterday for a new job at the old modeling agency/ company I use to work for, so please pray for me that I get in again..cause Hollister is just not cutting it for me anymore -____- .... I lost 5.2 pounds so far haha 30 to go....jk but yeah I have been working out again lately my kick boxing classes start next week [: ! Thanks xoxo

P.S. I miss you :( Come back already. *sighs

I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

Girls are expecting too much out of boys who clearly aren't men.

I'm done chasing after love, done looking for it, done trying to find it, done hoping and praying for it. I want true love to look for me for a change, to chase after me for once. I'm done making things harder for myself. I tend to make things so complicated when in reality it really isn't as complex. I'm thankful very thankful, for this insight that God gave me, after the whole week of not sleeping, crying like there's no ending ...I think I'm finally done with all that and I can say I'm satisfied and happy and I'm moving on.

I just realized that I need to be okay with myself in order for me to love someone else and care for someone else and right now I'm working on that, I'm slowly putting the pieces back together and getting myself and my attitude together. I have a lot of fixing up to do in my life and it took me a while to realize this but I'm glad I finally did. I want to be the ARLAINE that I used to be, the arlaine that everyone knows as the sweet, innocent one thats always smiling. I miss her, and I know probably everyone does too. This time around, I mean it when I say I'm trying. I really am, trying to change not for anyone else but this time FOR MYSELF. I spend soo much time doing things for other people when I can't even help myself.

I tend to overthink things and overreact and ASSUME and these are habits I really need to shake myself out of because it ruins me and I guess that's what drove Paul away from me, well I really don't know but yeah I'm guessing... I was put into a lot of thought when he told me I wasn't the same girl he fell in love with and he was right, but Im kinda glad he was honest with me and told me that or else I would of never realized all this so I thank him for that, and to anyone out there that's reading this, please be patient with me , Im trying my best. I know the way I've been acting is soo out of character and I know I seriously need to stop the games and GROW UP, because this isn't highschool anymore. It's the real thing now that I'm on my own and If I want the real thing "true love" I have to be real with myself first and stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

I feel good right now despite of all the crap thats going on. I'm happy because I know that everythings going to be alright, and I know that I'm going to be alright. I finally know what I want but I'm just going to keep that to myself, heh.. Its not the end, if it's not a happy ending. right?

Sober.

It's true when they say "You can erase someone from your mind but getting them out of your heart is a different story..."

My mom was right, my friends were right, I WAS WRONG...VERY WRONG..and It takes a lot for me to admitt that. Who am I fooling? NO ONE, just myself...No matter how late I stay out, no matter how many drinks or stogs I have, or no matter how many guys I talk to, at the end of the day...he's still on my mind, and definitely still in my heart. I can get him off my mind for a good few hours and then at the end, It's still him I'm wanting and missing. I THOUGHT I was ready, to let go, to move on to start dating again...Boy, was I WRONG. This is going to take me much longer than I expected, and I hate it.

"Sleeping with uncertainties, hoping to wake up with assurance and re-commitment. "

God, please help me.

Smile altough your heart is aching...

...and believe me I'm trying.

I've always told myself to Never Hope for nothing, become dissappointed in nothing. I promised myself I wouldnt ever want something I can never have, but I'm human, I have feelings and emotions, and sometimes those emotions can get the very best of me.

Words cant really express how I'm exactly feeling right now, I feel lost, abadoned, hurt, and I guess you can say a bit hopeless? I really dont know. I hate how some things are "easier said than done". I'm in that stage in my life where I really am on my own, no parents to tell me what to do, no relatives near by that I can run to, and no significant other to give me that extra push that I need...and I wake up every morning with a mask on my face, that I have to put on just to show everyone that "I AM STRONG" and that "Everything IS fine", But I'm only human and all I'm ever going to be is human...and a friend of mine told me..."You don't always have to have it together Arlaine, You're not perfect."

...and to be honest with anyone, whoever is reading this...

Not having the person thats been a huge part of my life for 2 and half years anymore has really broke me. I'm not going to lie, I regret a lot of things, and I wish I could of done more things and shown more love and understanding to this person, but I know it's too late, It's like chasing a very last train when I know It's too late. I miss him more tnan anything right now and I'm not going to deny it, I wake up in morning and realize he's not there on the phone with me, I look at my phone every night at 10:30 and I realize there isn't a txt msg saying "Take your meds hun. " everytime my phone rings or whenever I get a text msg or I-M I'm hoping its him. Everytime I hear a skateboard outside my house I'm hoping it would be him..but then again It's not. I miss US, I miss what we used to be, I miss knowing that I'd always have a shoulder to cry on and someone that would kiss me on my forehead and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But I know, I can never get all that back.

I'm having such a hard time coping with this, All I've been doing is crying and I know that isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm trying to keep busy I really am, I'm trying to let go, and trying to move on. I love him sooo much that I'm doing my best to let him go, no matter how much It's going to hurt me. Even though he means everything to me, I know I need to move forward and concentrate on myself and my needs and I know that, If we're meant to be God will bring us back together when we're both ready..maybe not now, but someday but I know God will let things happen according to his time...not mine.

But for now, I'm learning to stand on my own, and after all the thinking and crying..I think I'm ready to let this go, to let him go so he can be happy. I'm going to keep myself busy from now on, go out with friends,start working out again, concentrate on school, focus on God..and maybe to really help me get over all this...start "dating" again...and somehow learn to make the most of the "Single" life...I guess. I can't always get what I want, soo for now..I'll be laying low and cut everyone off for a while and I'm going to change my number. I'll need a lot of time to be fully over this and when I am, I'll be a brand new much better improved person...and I hope all of you are excited.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life, so we'll see how that goes...

Give me the Green Light.

I've been staring at this computer screen for about ten minutes now, and my past couple realizations are mind boggling and I couldnt agree more that the road to clairty drives you insane. I don't get why people strive for things that can NEVER be fully understood? ..I don't know why I do this to myself.

You know what I realized? that whenever I need him the most he's never there for me cause we're not in good terms, either that or we're on some kind of "break" or who has more pride than the other competition. I've only been running on 3 hours of sleep these past two days, and the whole my chest hurts and I can't breathe kind of thing has taken it's toll on my body once again. What sucks even more is when I wake up at wee hours in the morning and realize he isn't there on the phone with me. I realized that at the end of the day when I'm not feeling good I have no one to vent to or find comfort in anymore. Which just added another 20 pounds on my back. Thanks.

I realized that you should never ever trust and depend on someone soo much, because all I have left now is really just myself. I've noticed that most people only stay for the best, but never for the worst. I also come to realize that I care and think too much, when this isn't even rocket science. Maybe if we weren't so stubborn or prideful maybe we wouldn't be feeling this way. But then again, this is reality It takes a while for people to come to their senses, but I'm not naive I'm not going to wait for that. I've been let down way too many times and why am I going to waste my time on someone that doesn't even want to be with me? I'm stupid. I give permission for anyone to slap me cause my school, my health and my personality is in jepoardy right now. SOMEONE HELP ME :'(