Chaos.

Theres so much on my mind right now. I've been trying so hard to get my life together but theres always that thing at the back of mind that I know I can't control. Sigh.

Today was very stressful. Theres so much crap to do and I'm depending on myself to do it all. I don't want to complain but it seems to me that all the help that I'm getting is the help from myself. I really try to also be there for everyone I care about. But I would never expect anyone to make any sacrifices for me that they didn't already want to. Which is fine with me. Thats why I call myself independent because to me, I know how to handle my own. Being unobtainable or independent is not just about distance or physical proximity. It has to do with how much of your mind space everyone has access to. I try not to show that I'm struggling ever. And I think thats why a lot of people think I've got it down. It's really hard work.

During these times of focusing on whats more important, I am, what I need to work on first. And thats something I need to keep telling myself everyday. Because I do care a lot about my friends and I seem to be putting a lot of them first. I just need balance.

I'm really trying to find a balance between what I need and what I want. I wish I was more capable of focusing on what I need more than what I want. I seem to lack both. The only solution really is to just start being more determined with what needs to be done. I seem to be careless when it comes to it. Eh. Its just the truth.

So today, was terrible. It was bad thing after another and after another. effin crap. I seriously feel that I've been making horrible choices lately. My priorities are eff'd up more than ever and I'm so distracted by everything. I guess you can say I'm one of those "having her moments" typa chicks that really can't stick to a set agenda. My life runs sporadically and everyday is a new crazy story. I just don't share it with the world. I just dont think my life would be that interesting to hear anyways. I'll eventually have to learn things the hard way, don't you think? And they are finally hitting me now and hitting me quick. All I really need to do is chill. I know that unlike most people, "Normal people", the majority of my time I'm actually wasting my time away doing unimportant crap. Almost like this blog.

Its like once every blue moon I get knocked up with some sense of stability and reassurance in my life. The common things that are noticed every day by a responsible person. Yea, I'm a f_ck up. Arlaine f_ckin up. So, I know my problems aren't as bad as most kids my age, but seriously, I have never felt so troubled before. I'm always with that eff it mode and my minds so used to sticking to that mentality. I really feel that I need to really change and step up, like foreals, in my studies. Its now or never. I even cleaned up my entire room hoping to keep myself busy and a little bit more at ease. It helped just a bit. Talk is cheap. And I know starting today, things will change. It's all up to me. Anyways, I think I have done all the venting I needed to do.