Confused as heck.

So, I've had an o-kay week so far. ehh nothing interesting worth talking about. Yenno, same old, same old, hahaha...like when do things ever get better right? & If they do, it's only temporary...haha. ohh-kay thennn, moving along.

Soo what's good in the neighborhood everybody? I miss a lot of people right now, no one really calls or texts me anymore, it's pretty sad. I REALLY miss getting random phone calls & nice/sweet txt msgs, *SIGHS...where is everybody? is everyone, just busy all of a sudden?...it's either that or I'm just being forgotten now a days. Probably my second guess. But, it's cool. ehh I guess everyone just has more important things to do now a days. Everyones getting/going somewhere. I guess that's understandable, but it would be nice to get a phone call or at least a even a txt msg from people that I havent heard from in a while :/

I am...Unmm, I don't even know right now, I'm having all these mixed emotions & what not...I'm feelin kinda jealous, but can't say why here...but uggh I feel stupid for even feeling this way, but I don't know, I just feel really jealous right now, & I hate it. UGH. I hate this feeling, I feel pathetic cause I think It's ridiculous & stupid why I'm feeling this way...someone please smack me hahaha. no really, please do. ehh I need it. ahh, I feel so stupid. Will someone please tell me why I'm feeling this way ??! & then kindly smack me after that! heh, Thanks... euiyreueiwuyeiueirew!

Confused? Goodness gracious, so am I.

I don't believe in promises & now that I think about it, I'm afraid of commitment...just a few things I've learned about myself lately. I miss...*SIGHS

--I read someone's xanga a few mins ago, & I feel really horrible right now :( 'cause this person means a lot to me, & It really affects & hurts me to know that this person feels this way. I wish I could somehow make everything better for this person, or at least cheer him up in any way possible, I wish I could take all the sadness and pain away. If I could, I definitely would. I know it's so hard for him to keep himself together, & I can see that he's struggling, even though he doesn't show it, but I know he is, deep down inside. It's not easy waking up every morning & realizing that the one person that means the most to you, Isn't there anymore, It's not easy to hold in all the tears when you feel like breaking down & crying...I can't imagine how he feels, cause I'm not in his position or shoes. But I admire the fact that he still stands strong. I know he's been through a lot and I just want to be able to be there for him, to make him happy, to make him smile 'cause he deserves it for being such a good person that he is. I feel really bad for all the times I've said things to him out of anger that I didn't even mean. I wish life was like typing so that you can always go back and delete your mistakes...but what's done is done. So now, I really just want to be the best person I can be for him, 'cause he doesn't need this crap. He deserves to be happy... and to YOU, (you know who you are) If you're reading this, I want you to know that I love you and I'll always be here for you, no matter what the situation or cirumstances are and... I won't ever leave you.

I hate this weather, it's sooooooooooooooooooooo frkn hotttt! It's annoying I have a frkn migraine cause of it. UGH. I want to swim in a pool full of ice in it...haha (like I can swim lol) Okay it's scorching hott in my room, I need to get out of here, so I'll finish this later or manana when its a bit cooler.

-AMA

Clear my mind...

My weekend spent in the valley was wonderful, besides the fact that IT WAS FREAKEN SCORCHING HOTT OVER THERE, ugh!, like no joke It felt like 110 degrees or something. seriously!... but anywho, I had a great time with my cousins & aunts and everyone else. Our nights conversations,playing poker & DRINKING are always endless when I'm over there, haha. that's cause my cousin's house is a "Partyyy House".(HAHAHA) mhm, haha Yeah well funs over for me, hah 'cause I'm back home now, mhm yep "back to reality" (sadly) *SIGHS...Back to my grip and grind guys. -Ugh!


On a more depressing note:


So, My Aunt in SD died today, she had cancer ): (my mom's side) at 11 in the morning, so I won't be in LA this weekend either, I'll be in San Diego. I leave Friday Morning...*Sighs. I'm glad I saw her though the last time I went to SD. The last time I saw her she had lost all her hair already 'cause she was on soo much medication & she was going through a lot of chemo & what not, I guess it was just her time to go. ..I feel so bad for my cousin Vanessa, (Ate Van, I love you!) and my uncle...she's the only child & she was REALLY REALLY REALLY close to her mom. It's so sad. kjsfhdsjfkshiyeggejdas. :( Just talking about all this is truly depressing...


So I guess it's time I open up my mouth about this and just put this out there already, so as most of you all know, whoever is reading this that's from my church...um, IF you guys are wondering WHY? I haven't been to church, singing in church or going youth night lately is 'cause We're moving churches & there is NO WAY in this world that I can change my parent'S minds about this jkhdjkdkjshk...We're leaving church for the stupidest reason ever, It's ridiculous. like seriously. It's such a stupid reason to move churches. STUPID I TELL YOU. UGH...I rather not explain why in detail here but yeah...just letting all you guys know now, so It won't be such a big surprise later on :( this really REALLY sucks, I mean seriously this is like affecting me in every worse way possible. ahhh, I miss everyone already, like no joke I feel like I havent seen anyone in quite a while, I miss all of them already. *SIGHS ahhh. this is so stupid. soo stupid. I'm so annoyed, po'd right now because I think this is so ridiculous! ...but there's nothing I can do about it...jkfhkjsfhskjfshdj AHHH. I mean I've been going to this church since I was 6 I practically grew up in there & met some of the greatest people there who have been there for me & affected my life in such a positive way, (which I may add that they aren't just friends to me anymore, they're all family to me.) ahh, this really blows just talking about it makes me want to cry...so I'll just stop here. I miss everyone too much :(


I'm so I don't even know. I've been down in the dumps for ages now. This needs to come to an end. like seriously...UGH. Okay,I'm getting tired, I'll update more manana. Have a good week everyone.

-Arlaine

"We're all waiting for something, but I'm probably waiting for nothing..."

"This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try..."

Um, I don't know what to write. This weeks almost over, can't believe it's Friday again tomorrow, man my vacation is going by fast ): I'm going to be really busy these upcoming weeks...

hmm, Let's see what's on my agenda:

09.26.08-work @ Hollister 9:ooam-1:oo pm then work @ Modeling Agency 3pm-7pm

09.27.08- AP Bio. Meeting 9am-12pm then work @ Hollsiter 3:00pm-7:00 pm

09.29.08-work @ Hollister 1:00pm-6:00pm

10.1.08-work @ Hollister 12:00-4:00pm

10.2.08- I don't know yet? (Hopefully I'm off this day!)

10.4.08-AP Bio. Meeting 9am-12pm then work @ Modeling Agency 12pm-6pm

...I shall add to this as the weeks go by.

Man, I'm turning into a WORKAHOLIC just like Bree. hah, well it's better than me just staying home and doing nada, am I right? haha, I mean don't cha think so? I'm actually being productive for once..haha! You guys should Congratulate me for that.

Today, was a very fun but as the same time a very exhausting day..."I'm pooped"

Mhm, um I'll update more later on, I'm too lazy right now. hehe, tootles :)

P.S.- You guys can visit me at work IF you'd guys like to! haha [:

"You simply can't make someone love you if they don't..."

Waking up this morning was such a dread. I didn't really have any plans today but I decided to be resourceful and productive today, but that didn't happen either. I WAS suppose to go jogging early in the morning & then go to the mall, but eh I got too lazy.

...Besides the facts of my day, lately I've been thinking alot about what belongs and what doesn't in my life. Do I really need a boyfriend? Do I need to do anything at all to be more content? Should I move out? I don't know. Yes. and I REALLY don't know.

I'm really trying to find a balance between what I need and what I want. I wish I was more capable of focusing on what I need more than what I want. I just seem to lack both...lately I seem to lack everything. The only solution really is to just start being more determined with what needs to be done... 'cause I seem to be careless when it comes to it. I seem to be care less with a lot of things lately, is that bad?

I'm so stressed out right now, you guys have no idea what so ever. I'm just soo overwhelmed with everything, with everyone...& especially the drama here and the chaos there. I mean my goodness. Am I a bad person? Is this why all this misery is slapping me in the face?

Oh I don't know, eff it...eff everything. I'm already depressed as it is. whatevers...I wish I can just say that to everything and to everyone ...whatever.whatever. WHATEVER!

Like I said in my last Blog..."We are the cause of our own misery by how we think of the world and ourselves."--you guys can quote me on that :)

What-ever, goodnight/goodmorning!

I HATE HOW EVERYTHING IS SO UNCERTAIN. UGH!

-AMA

I...

give up on everything & everyone.

I've lost my faith in everything...in everyone.


"...and the moment I need you, you're no where to be found"

Learning...

...I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, a lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love warm hugs, or just a friendly pat on the back or even just a simple smile. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

-Concept of non-self:

Nothing has an independent self. No thing, no person. We depend on our past to what decisions we make today...and there is no such thing as a fixated person. We are the cause of our own misery by how we think of the world and ourselves.

-Attitude/Right intentions-The desire to change direction can make us less miserable. It's the dynamics of desire. Changing habitual reactions of what causes constant pain can be a mere intention to fix self by changing desire and learning from past experience.

--It really all makes sense if you really think about it. Nobody is independent. We tend to cling on to things that make us happy and sometimes we start to become dependent on that one thing or person that makes us happy. Sort of like an addiction.

I LOVE YOU BREE :)

-AMA

Sick, Tired & Uninspired...

I've been sick on and off now & It's really getting annoying, boo mother nature is messing with my system & I hate it! I woke up today running only with four hours of sleep 'cause we had to drop off my sister at UC Riverside earlier this morning, & we just got home, I know I should be resting cause I'm so exhausted from helping her load & unload and upack all her things and helping her get settled, and walking up all those stairs plus walking down all those stairs. Boy that was soo tiring! When we were done helping her get settled I wanted to be carried back to the car, (too bad I didn't) I could barely walk to it...yeah thats how exhausted I was. Oh yeah, did I mention that It was scorching hott over there man I felt like I was in the Sahara Desert or something, hahaha, I highly doubt I'll be going to UCR especially w/that kind of weather ew!

& Then there where five...

So my sister is gone now, I miss her already...aww poor me! ahhh it means more responsibilites, ew! LAME! hahahaha :( (grow up Arlaine, grow up!)

I'm so tired right now, I'll update more later or manana, I'm too lazy...I've had a hectic Saturday & Sunday, I need some shut eye. Tootles (:

...To Be Continued.