New Year's Resolutions '09!

1. I will or at least TRY to SAVE MONEY! [:- No more "just cause" shopping haha

2. I will Start working out again- I want to LOSE 20lbs. N0t Joking btw!

3. I will Cut back on the alcohol & Hookah.-I'll try not to drink anymore when I'm depressed...

4. I will learn how to say NO!- No more "Miss nice girl" next year, seri0usly. NONE OF THAT. WHY? Read the number 6.

5. I will not let myself be taken advantage of. -Because I allow people to get the best of me. I always try to please people and say yes to everything, but enough is enough. I can't please everyone, so ya know what?! TOO BAD.

6. I will NOT let myself get tangled in my emotions.- I'm so done with letting my emotions get the best of me.

7. I WON'T FALL IN TOO DEEP ANYMORE.-Yes, I'm talking about FALLING IN LOVE. My guard is WAY UP there. No Expectations, No Obligations, & No Disappointments.


-Um, I'll add more to this later...

The Next Level.

SO, things haven't been all that great lately, I'm not going to lie....I'm just glad this year is almost ending. Thank God, tomorrow is the LAST DAY OF 2008.

Looking back at this entire 2008, so much has happened. Lost some, gained some, lost some more, gained some back. When it comes down to it, I wouldn't have it play out any other way.

I must say, I'm excited for 2009. I have a lot of new goals for this upcoming year. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. There's still so much work to be done in the next couple weeks. I'm definitely excited though.Hm, I have a lot planned ahead of me! I'm pretty excited for 2009. Fresh start for the fresh, NEW YEAR. What's not to be excited about? Kanye's new album, that's what. HAHA!

I definitely lost my clarity for far too long-- I'm so glad to have it back. I do feel a tad silly for allowing myself to get tangled up in my emotions, but it'd be unreal for me not to have been so idiotic. We all fall down. All of us. All the time.- At least I got up.

Apparently, I've been doing some serious soul searching lately. Not that I couldn't find myself or anything like that. It's more on the lines of me wanting to deepen my own understandings.


...Because I'm ready for the next level, and I'm ready for something better-- something real. My walls remain high, and It's going to stay that way. I'm forreal taking everything in day by day for what it is-- nothing more, nothing less. Besides, I don't think I could settle for anything less than God's ultimate best for ME. I really haven't changed.

The year is coming to an end and looking back, it was a HORRIBLE year. I've hated this year after July 17th...BUT I've come to realize more than I thought I could ever realize within a year long period, but that's definitely life; and life is definitely beautiful even in the worst situations anyone can possibly be in 'cause without the good there is a bad and vice versa. 2009 is literally a day away, and Bree & I couldn't be more excited. We've got huge plans for this upcoming year. Lord willing, we'll get where we want to be by this time next year. Motivation is on our side. It's going to take hard work, dedication, and tons of focus. Clearly it won't be smooth sailing, but we're well aware of that. It's okay because like I always say: there's always a bright side.

2009, I'm ready. I mean WE'RE READY.

Baby, It's cold outside...SO WHAT?!

First and foremost, before anything I just want to say THANK YOU. To all my aunties, uncles, my God father, my cousins and my grandmother for all the gifts, money and warm hugs.

and of course I want to say thank you ESPECIALLY to Bree, Scott, Derrick, Bond, Renee, Alejandro, Caresse, John, Bert, Shonna, Hebert, Allen, Alexis, Aaron, Rachel, Chris and Paul (Sorry If I'm missing anyone) for greeting me an early Happy Birthday and for making my dinner happen and for bringing me joy all year round. I lalalaove all of you guys. Thank you all SO SO SO much.

Special Thanks To Bree, Scott, Bond, and Paul [: You guys are thee best ever.

---

So quick update, Christmas Eve was alright. Christmas was okay. My dinner tonight was almost prefect, and um, yeah pretty much, uh let's see how my birthday tomorrow goes, Shall we?

(Only two more hours)

So, I got all the materialistic things I wanted and AGAIN I thank all of you for giving me all the presents. You guys are awesome. But yeah, I didn't really get what I wanted, and it sucks 'cause I've been waiting since forever and wanting this since forever well It feels like forever to me;

...so again here I am in disappointment, see this is what happens when you expect too much. I should of never expected anything or put my hopes up. I swear to myself never again will I expect anything from this person. NEVER. I was right all along, There shouldn't be any expectations 'cause the more you have expectations the more you invite hurt and disappointment. Yup, stupid Arlaine listening to her heart and not her head again. Stupid me!

See what happens, man I feel like an idiot. I feel SO DUMB. SO DUMB. This is the first and LAST time I will put myself through this. I swear on my life. THIS IS THE LAST TIME. & I mean LAST! and I mean it. I'M DONE FEELING THIS WAY. D-O-N-E!

From now on, I'll have on my IDGAF attitude on (: Yupp. All I can say is OH WELL.

So my birthday is pretty much ruined. well It's all good 'cause this damn whole year was pretty much ruined from the start. Screw everything, Screw 2008. This year was like Hell...Glad It's almost over. I HATE THIS YEAR. So it's all good. No worries. Hah. like I said, Whatevs from now on. So WHAT-EV-ER. Okay well that's all for tonight.

Thank you again, You guys know who you are! XoXo - LOVE YOU! haha well SOME OF YOU! (:

LOVE-LIFE.

..OH OH AND as for my love life which I know everyone's been wondering and asking me, oh wait I forgot to say...YES, I have an existent "love life" now hehe! and I must say It's great It's getting better. There's a slight chance that I might be ummm haha well it's actually far too early to say anything. But let's just say "IT'S GETTING THERE" and I can happily and proudly say that I'm Happy and Hell YES I'm in love...SO IN LOVE.

My soul has never had this feeling-feels like gold (well ALMOST) I don't even know where to begin, but he's got so much love in him. He always has, and something tells me he always will. Never once has he failed to be there or see me through the toughest of times- when everything was hard and my poetry lost it's rhymes. Through thick and thin, regardless of the trials we've been through. I swear I've never been so high off of love because I've never really known a love that could take me up so high. & By all means, it is different this time around. I know it is. Clearly, nothing's for sure. No lines have been drawn because I'm too much in awe to even know what this really is. But when worst comes to worst, my people do come first-- my people being him because he's really the only kind of people I'll ever need. So when all is said and done, whenever I figure out what needs to be said so it can be done, I'll know for sure that regardless of the outcome ...I've already won.

..and I'm really, really missing you :'(

I was cleaning out my room today, and I stumbled upon so many things that really made me sad ...So this is really weird, this just hit me just now or just recently I've been thinking about everyone at LOH and It finally sunk into me that I really don't go to that church anymore and that I'll hardly ever see these people anymore UNLESS it's a special event or occasion.

...and to be completely honest, lately I've been missing everyone...as in EVERYONE. The past couple days have made me realize quite a bit. I miss having an Ate Sheryl or an Ate Faith or an Ate Char to cry to or to laugh with and sit down next to every Sunday. I miss having a Jim, Er, AND Paolo to get mad at and yell at and be mean to, and I miss having a Kuya Tom to laugh with and share all my secrets to. I miss singing up on stage and help lead worship, I miss the food that Ate Knatz always brings every Friday and all the Birthday's on the first of every month. I miss core advancement and what not. I just miss absolutely everything. I miss our pastor's. I miss being so close to these people :(

...now I'm just some girl that visits their church once every blue moon. I miss being their "little sister"...I know and I understand that everyone must be really busy 'round this time of year and stuff...but I feel so left out, so forgotten...no one even calls, texts, messages, or hardly leaves me comments anymore. I miss those...I never thought that the move from one church to another would affect me this much...but really it does, It hurts. I know God has a plan for all this, just like Halcon told me earlier and maybe one day or someday when I find out what his plan for all this is...everything will be good. I feel so illiterate right now. I'm slightly upset that I can't find better words to express this, I just miss everyone SO MUCH.

...and IF any of you guys are reading this...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me, text me WHATEVER just anything...something when you guys have time. Keep me updated, please? It would really put a smile on my face (: Well I doubt that anyone from LOH is reading this but if you guys are, I just want to say that I miss ALL OF YOU and that I love ALL OF YOU...and even though things have changed...you guys are always with me...here in my heart :)

XOXOXO
-Arlaine

ENOUGH.

So lately I've felt that no matter how much I try to make something work, the more I seem to be doing something wrong, well at least according to one specific person. i feel like i shouldn't even exist to this person anymore just cause all I end up doing is pissing that person off. it's not a fun job. seriously, I think this is the end of feeling this way enough is enough, im DONE not being ENOUGH.

But if Truth Be Told.

Everything WAS good, almost perfect -hence, too good to be true, then 2008 came and everything turned into Ugh, gosh I don't even know the word for it. But, Thank God 'cause this stinkin year is almost over and I can't wait. Let me emphasize that

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS YEAR TO BE OVER.

Stop the Games.

My choices have definitely been poor lately, but can you really blame me? I've gotten far too good at being able to justify my actions that I've tricked myself into believing I'm simply in the wrong now. Then again, it isn't really my doing. There I go again justifying myself. Does it make me selfish? Probably, but that doesn't really matter.

Things have gotten far too unbalanced. I hardly ever regret, so I'm not a fan of wasted time-- but maybe, just this once, my struggle was in vain, but I can't blame him because it was my fault for getting in too deep. I like how I've become an even bigger hypocrite for wanting him to speak up and just be honest, yet I can't do the same. Again...just justifying myself.

Boy, lately...

So I've been iffy about a lot of things lately. I feel like everything that's been broken in my life can never be fixed and that i'm forced to move on or get over it. It's NOT as easy as people think it is, and yeah there are people out there who can just get over the fact that they've been hurt and that they shouldn't stop their lives just because of life's disappointments, but it's not that easy for me. I mean, everyone's different right? This year I've learned a lot about myself and others and also changed, idk if it's or the better or for the worst, but im here. And as of right now, im pretty confused and sad, so I guess things did change for the worse. Life's so hard when it's not going your way...

So basically, I'm just trying to be okay like before. Not having to depend on anyone other than myself because seriously, depending on someone to make you happy or keep you sane is NOT reliable. You earn your happiness, and only you have control of whether or not you're happy. I never really realized that until I lost the one thing I depended on the most. It's pretty pathetic counting on someone, when you have yourself. Your own self is the only one you can truly count on and trust. I guess lately I've been having some trust issues, I've been like this for a while now. But instead of worrying about trusting someone, why trust anyone but yourself? right? Anyways, so far it's been me and only me, along with some of my very few great friends helping me get by every single day of my very confusing life.


Things are far better off this way. I'm too familiar with this cycle. It definitely cannot be stopped, but I can elongate all positive vibes to out-do all negative aspects. Changes have been made, and lessons have most definitely been learned-- but it doesn't end here. Not even close. It's true that nobody really knows what they really want other than what's good at this moment.

For the most part, I know where I want to be, for now at least. With the right steps and the right drive, it's most definitely attainable. We've got nothing but time on our hands. It's not necessarily true, but it's good enough for now. I told myself I'd never settle for anything than my best, but I guess this is really my best for now. Things will be much better soon enough.

Happiness is definitely a state of mind. If there's one thing I've definitely learned, it's that. You are however you see yourself. You will feel however you let yourself feel. All happiness is in the mind, as Vaughn's fortune cookie has stated. I knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing, so I didn't bother pretending it would be. That much doesn't matter though.

I wish I could buy me...

A spaceship and fly...far,far,far away.

It's good to dream. It's even better when you make them real.

I WISH JULY 17th NEVER OF HAD HAPPENED.

" Hold me close, I hate you the most"