But speaking the truth in love,

Things may not always work out the way you want. In those cases, you often look for reasons as to why those situations needed to arise. It happens when you least expect it, and the reasons aren't usually clear. I could be angry-- I was at first. I could cry, but my tears wouldn't justify anything. Maybe I'll laugh about it one day-- just not today. Just because it won't be today doesn't mean it won't be tomorrow, and for all I know, it just might be tomorrow. The bright side is: I'm learning.

There are many ways to handle this situation, and I don't know what the right moves are. Until I do, I will be still and know He is God and he has the right timing for everything.

Thought of the past 24 hours: a lot, just a lot had been going through my mind lately. I've been thinking wayyy too much, and I know I need to stop. I know I haven't been acting like myself at all lately and everyone knows it, cause they see it and I finally realized it. I've been pushing people away, getting ticked off at almost anything, like EVERY LITTLE THING and it's so out of my character and I know I have to change. This has to change. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE, and It's about time, that I've made some changes for myself, and I don't know If this is going to be a good or bad thing But, It's a new year and I want to try something different...

Now I know I think too much, I know I care too much, and I worry too much and I STRESS way too much. But, I think I've come to a point where I'm so fed up with everything that I just don't want to worry, to care or stress at all anymore. SERIOUSLY. I need to stop and forget about everyone else, and what everyone else thinks It's time I become this selfish and take care of myself for a change, I've noticed I let everyone around me affect that way I feel and you guys know what? I'm done with feeling this way. I really am, I done feeling sad/depressed or whatever all the time for the same reason over and over again. It's this never ending cycle and I CAN'T TAKE ANY OF THIS BS ANYMORE. and I'm not going to let any one of you affect me in a negative way, NO SERIOUSLY NOT THIS TIME. NO MORE. I'm done. I need to be happy,and I need to make myself happy so this is why I'm doing things differently this time. No more, being sad/depressed/pissed off whatever kind of crap. No Thank You, and anyone that wants to ruin my happiness can get the heck out of my life 'cause I DON'T NEED IT. The door is wide open, so you can leave. seriously LEAVE 'cause with all the things flying at me right now, I don't need anyone to add on. Not to sound like a total B or anything but I'm just not going to deal with anyone's stupidity anymore. I want to not to have to worry about anything, or anyone...and this time I'm really not going to, I don't know why I put myself through this, when all along all I had to do was NOT CARE, Its that simple, cause its just a choice 'cause with me, It's either I care too much, or I DON'T CARE AT ALL and I just don't want to care AT ALL so I'm just not going to care anymore. I'll take things for how they are, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not hoping, wishing,expecting, caring or worrying anymore cause I wasted too much of my precious time. ALL FOR NOTHING.

...To Be Continued.

Even when I fail you, I know you love me

I will be still and know You are God.

Bakerella?

For the past week, I’ve been semi-sick with a mild sore throat and an endless runny nose (again). A few days ago, I was unfortunate enough to catch the flu and it felt just awful. I couldn’t sleep the night before because my body ached and every time I breathed in, the back of my throat felt as if it were being stabbed by a knife. I can honestly tell you that I almost used up an entire roll of toilet paper just from my runny nose (and it’s still going as we speak). I wish I could use the tissue as a nostril cork without feeling like a complete doofus. Whatever works, right?

I also forgot to mention that I had a dream of baking last night. Weird, I know. Who dreams about baking stuff? There’s a perfectly good reason for this, trust me. For the past few days now I’ve been grossly obsessed with a blog called Bakerella.com; she inspires me to, well, bake. If you’re not a big fan of reading through blogs (or reading at all) you can just look at her work on Flickr. I swear I get fatter and fatter every day just from looking at what she makes. You can read about her combination for love of cupcakes and photography here. I know you guys will enjoy looking at her work :]


Okay, so moving along...so Sunday February Um, 23 (which was yesterday lol) I visited my mother church "LOH" and It felt so good, It made me happy. heh, It also made me tear up a bit. I really missed everyone SO much. I felt like I was "home" where I belong or I mean/ supposed to be at. I didnt feel out of place or anything, it was normal, just like how everything USE TO BE. It made me so happy to see everyone and get all the warm hugs and kisses! xo...It made me HAPPY. PERIOD.

...Oh and what made me even happier were all the "weight loss" comments I got from like 7 people, hah no kidd, t'was crazy. The funniest one was "You lost so much weight, you know why? 'cause you have a lot of problems huh?" HAHA, thanks...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE [;

oh and..."Omg laine, you look so skinny, are you still depressed or stressed out?" -haha ouch, do I really look that sad? and NO I did not lose weight on purpose, I just I don't know, um have no time to eat? mhm, yup. But overall, I was happy to be with "family" (: hmm, and maybe I'll be back for good...just maybe.

...Oh and I found something out when I went to church, that um my "Momma" told me...and I don't know WHY I feel this way...but I feel sad in way, seriously I AM SAD. like IDK. It's SO SO SO WEIRD, 'cause I don't know why I feel this way or why I'm starting to feel like this all of a sudden. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Ew [.......]

You know what I hate the most about myself? Is that I care TOO MUCH about everything and I worry too much about everything...seriously! and I need to stop! It's such a WASTE OF TIME. ...and I worry about non-sense on like the most irrelevant things to worry about. UGH. I annoy myself sometimes, like right now. I need to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

I can hold a grudge forever if I wanted to...

and maybe this time I actually will...

So this must be the worst day of like my entire life? long story short, I've lost a really good friend, my BEST friend, and so easily too over the STUPIDEST thing ever. I seriously hate all this... It's so hard to satisfy a person, coming from me, I should know. It's like seriously giving EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING. I'm tired of being the reason why that person is always pissed off, pissing someone off "all the time" It Isn't a fun job. seriously. I feel like no matter how much I try to make something work, the more I seem to be doing something wrong, well at least according to one specific person. I feel like i shouldn't even exist to this person anymore just cause all i end up doing is pissing that person off. it's not a fun job. seriously, I think this is the end of feeling this way enough is enough, cause I'm DONE with not being ENOUGH.

I always told myself to never hope: Hope for nothing, become disappointed in nothing. Still, I can't help but be a little bit selfish every now and then. Too bad this time I'm being a lot selfish. I promised I'd fight it so I wouldn't ever want what I can't have, but it doesn't always happen that way. See, sometimes the desire of one's mind overpowers what's in their heart -- worlds apart type of thing. Oh, but that's never the end of it. We build walls, allow people to tear them down enough to hurt us, and then build them again. Same process of the same gdamn cycle. ans I'm tired of it, we all are.

...So maybe this time I'm genuinely not kidding when I say I don't want to be in any sort of relationship -- that this time, I really just want to be left alone. I play this game too often, but never purposely. I know how to get in, I know how to get out. I'm tired -- so so tired of playing a game that I can only win at my own expense. I'm down for something real, but that's it.

No more games. I'm done with all the games. No more "we're not officially together" , No more "that's why we'll never be together" No more "hoping, wishing, or waiting to be taken back as his gf again and be truly forgiven"... seriously ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. and I'm tired of not being enough really, I am :[ I've spent too much time worrying, saying things I dont mean, hurting someone that I really love and care about...and thats enough.Hurting that person was never my intention. NEVER. that's the last thing I intend to do.

It's time to focus. For once in my life, I'm closing my doors for me. Selfish. It's about time I became this selfish.

...Since He's hiding behind that hard heart that refuses to allow me into which makes no sense at all. and I've hid from myself far too many times when I lacked the courage to be alone. You see, I cannot afford to spend another day as a cooperator in a conspiracy against myself. It's either you're with me or you're not, Its either You're in love with me or you're not, it's either you forgive or you don't..no maybe, laters, but and ifs, Its either you commit or you don't, there isn't such thing as A "part-time relationship" ...NO MORE seriously NO MORE...its that simple, I can't go on with someone for another 6 months or god knows when...with a person that's unsure of their feelings for me. I can't. I'm not going to be here forever...You're wasting your time. and You're wasting my time. You know, I've never asked for much, All I wanted to know was where we stand. All Ive ever hoped for is that this person would truly genuinely forgive me. that's all...But I guess none of that or this matters anymore. cause I'm done with feeling this way.


Anyways, I guess now I just need to keep myself busy to be OKAY and stable at least .. I hate how you just left me .. without trying to understand me at all... but it's okay. I'll get past this STRUGGLE...ALONE.

Love keeps no records of wrongs-that's in the bible.

A NOT-SO-HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

I'm in the car with the laptop, waiting for something to do on this lonely valentine's day :/ and I have no idea what to do, I mean I know what I want to do, but then again, I'm not sure If I should go and do it? Does that make any sense? I mean I had, well I did have something special and cute planned for tonight. I just, I don't know...changed my mind? Idk, I don't feel like doing it anymore -___- change of mind, change of plans...and possibly change of heart I mean. I guess, I don't know. I'm feeling really lonely right now and I hate this feeling I hate the feeling that I'm feeling right now, Bree and them were right when they said, "You'll feel good for a few hours but after you sober up, you'll be in the same rut you were in to begin with..." I mean I felt fine, I felt great a while ago, actually but now, I have no idea. I feel detached and out of place with no direction to go, and It really sucks. I hate this feeling. and I hate it when I feel this way. I hate the feeling when you need someone with you by your side. I HATE IT. You know the feeling where you know you should do something right to fix things, but then again your pride or whatever gets the best of you? well I mean..you LET IT get the best of you, Yeah it ruins everything, it ruined everything for me at least. I like seriously need to move the heck on and get over it. -Just like ER use to tell me. " "Grow up, move on & just get over it!" Pardon me, I don't even know what Im saying, seriously. I'm soo out of it today, ask anyone I'm a tad bit hungover...I cant even get my point across...this is sad. Oh gosh. Um, I'm cold, I think I'm going to head to a cafe and read there or something and sip hot cocoa, Yeah sounds good. Well, Okay I'll stop here. Hope everyone else is having a lovely Valentine's Day. -Ciao!

"I best tidy up my head 'cause I'm the only one in love"

Restless.

You'd think that most people get restless when they have absolutely nothing to do, but I get restless when I have a lot to do. I suppose it's because I choose to distract myself as opposed to actually getting things done. I hate that I've gotten so good at doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and still managing to get everything I need to get done, done. That sentence was probably grammatically incorrect, but I'd much rather not reread it.

I've always loved doing a little bit of everything at the same time. Too bad it's gotten harder. Oh well. Determination, balance, and patience with a side of faith in the way things are. "Easy" has never really flown with me.

...I'm turning in all my homework in this Friday. I could have been done with all my homework, but of course it doesn't work out since I have to turn in a packet for AP BIO AND AP ECON EVERY WEEK. How lame is that? I've always been good at math, but I've never enjoyed it. It's unfortunate that I have an entire math chapter (which is a lot longer than it sounds) by Monday. It was actually meant to be done by today, but of course I was "busy" doing other things...Of course.

So question of the past couple days: What has my life become? Better. (not great, but better) The answer is "better". My ability to do what I want when I want, but get everything that I need to get done on time amazes me sometimes. I amaze myself sometimes. (Screw you, I hardly give myself credit so let me have this one). I'm far too calm for my own good. I started to feel as if I stopped living. In reality, I just stopped worrying about everything I needed to get done. It doesn't make me irresponsible. I just know how to beat the system. Go figure.

So I'm guessing...

that everyone's been busy?...

'Cause It sure seems like it. Everyone's getting/going/doing something. Seems like we've all been caught up in our own little world. Well that's what it feels like according to mua. I feel like no one has even a minute to talk or whatever. Pretty sad, but I guess that's just the way life goes, 'cause "We've got nothing but time on our hands"...I suppose? I don't know, I'm feeling a bit detached from a lot of people, some of the most important people in my life that is. and I honestly dont know IF ITS JUST ME (It probably is) or Im probably just crazy. and feeling a teensie been sad 'cause everyones so busy and caught up with their own thing and I feel a bit...forgotten, If thats the word for it, yeah forgotten...I miss getting random phone calls during the day and stuff like that, not just text messages, but actual PHONE CALLS, but I guess it's okay, that's just the way life is. right? ...Yeah I guess. Ugh. maybe this rainy cold weather is affecting my mood and making me feel this way. Possibly. I don't know...I'm just kinda :( right now. I could use a hug right now. *sighs

-CIAO AMA