I CAN HOLD A GRUDGE FOREVER IF I WANTED TO.

...but I'm not going to.

I feel like everything that's been broken in my life can never be fixed and that I'm either forced to move on or get over it. It's NOT as easy as people think it is, and yeah yeah there are people out there who can just get over the fact that they've been hurt and that they shouldn't stop their lives just because of life's disappointments, but it's not that easy for me. I mean, everyone's different right? This year I've learned a lot about myself and others and also changed, idk if it's or the better or for the worse, but I'm here... I've been up all morning, And as of right now, I'm pretty lost. He's right, everyone's right... I'm not the same Arlaine as before, and I honestly don't know where she is right now, do you? I'm trying to find my way back, I really am. I don't know what's stopping me or getting in my way...but I'm trying I swear am, maybe just not hard enough?... I'm such a horrible person. I hate MYSELF.

So basically, I'm just trying to be okay like before. Not having to depend on anyone other than myself because seriously, depending on someone to make you happy or keep you sane is NOT reliable. You earn your happiness, and only you have control of whether of not you're happy. I never really realized that until I lost the one thing I depended on the most. It's pretty pathetic counting on someone, when you have yourself. Your own self is the only one you can truly count on and trust.

...and I was hoping you'd still be there,
when I find my way back...I guess not.

LONG NIGHT.

I miss him, I don't think it matters to anyone or him so yeah, anyways...I can't sleep, and I really want to sleep, like I really do, but I can't and I hate it. I hate sleeping alone...*sighs...This is going to be another longgg night for me, and that is why I have about 6 Eszopiclone's (aka as Lunesta or sleeping pills) sitting next to me right now. Hopefully all these will help me fall sleep. Oh it better, or else I don't know what else I can do. So here goes nothing, Hopefully I'll sleep for a long time -__________- and I mean A LONNNG TIME. G'night World.

Sleeping my problems away...

-AMA

It's what they don't know.

Where are YOU when I need YOU? :'(

Where are YOU when I need YOU? :'(
Where are YOU when I need YOU? :'(

SO I'll just be frank about this, I'm not feeling good, physically and emotionally, but It's not like any of you actually care anyways, so I'm not even going to waste my time blogging about it. So, NO this isn't going to be one of those sad blogs I usually used to write, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't need to pity myself.

Where the hell are YOU when I need YOU? :'(
Where the hell are YOU when I need YOU? :'(
Where the hell are YOU when I need YOU? :'(

So with that being said, I apologize for ignoring everyone's calls and text messages and IM's ...I haven't really been in the mood for anything lately. I just think I need to lay low for a while...a LONGGGGG while. Yeah, I'm going through one of those..."phases" or whateva you want to call it, I just need a breather, more like a break from reality, If you know what I mean. Well, I'll leave it at this.

Where are YOU when I need YOU the most? :'(
Where are YOU when I need YOU the most? :'(
Where are YOU when I need YOU the most? :'(

You can have it all...( just not all at the same time)

I've always loved doing a little bit of everything at the same time. Too bad it's gotten harder. Oh well. Determination, balance, and patience with a side of faith in the way things are. "Easy" has never really flown with me.

I'm not at all a fan of many things going on right now, but the fact that they are inevitable keeps me going. I suppose I'm just slightly irritable. That's always cool. What do I want right now? A breather. A walk in the park sounds spiffy. Or maybe even a walk on the beach. But really, what are the chances? I have a better chance of sitting on my rooftop , but that hasn't been allowed since... years ago.

On a different tone, I hate when people underestimate my capability. Well, not really. It gives me something to do (in the least). All that's left: Continue to explore my options and work my hardest. Whatever it takes. I will do whatever it takes. This is tricky-- really tricky. But then again, so am I.

Sleepless Nights.

I've been up for like 20 something hours, I haven't got any sleep yet and I have work in like an hour....So I was pretty ticked yesterday off after school, so I went to just went Gdale since I had no where else to go and walked around the mall...so much for saving money, then I watched 2 movies ALONE, The Curious case of Benjamin Button was so BOMB, Brad Pitt is so sexy, anywho after the second movie I had dinner, and red velvet cupcakes alone...It was 11:00pm and I waited for the bus (WHAT WAS I THINKING?) It took forever...and now I'm feeling really sick...t'was so cold last night :/

So... It's almost Valentine's Day...BOOOO! HAHAHAH! EW, Valentine's Day can suck it. Right Bree? haha. Who celebrates that? seriously, ew.

I think I'll be watching a movie again, tonight...after work. Anyone care to join? ...'cause tonight is going to be another, Looonnnggg lonely night and I need to keep busy so that I won't be thinking about anyone or someone or everyone -________________- mhm.

The closer I get to you.

..."the more you make me see, by giving me all you've got, your love has captured me. Over and over again, I try to tell myself that we could never be more than friends, but all the while inside I knew it was real-- and that's the way you make me feel."

This is not a safe move, and I've been playing things pretty safe lately.I'm just really tired and really distracted. I'm also a bit flustered. Things are flying at me in every direction, but I suppose that's what I get? ....for falling in a little bit too deep.

I have things lined up for me this week,and for the rest of the year, and I'm okay with that. Me & my girlfriend planned everything today at our date. haha.

...I'll update you guys more on that, on my next blog. I'm a bit too tired to elaborate. Well here goes another longggg lonely night and week :[

And for all the things I lack.

So maybe I need to work harder. Maybe I don't need to work hard at all. Maybe one day I'll be able to grasp the idea better. I really don't know. All I know is that just because the information I contain is nowhere near the highest capacity level possible does not take away from what I do know. I have not experienced further beyond my age for that doesn't seem possible. Age is irrelevant to the things we face in life. Each person takes on life every day. We all face similar trials. The way we deal with things is what makes us different, not wrong. We now live in a selfish world where your way is the only way, when, truth be told, there are too many ways to deal with the same problem. Clean intentions. Good hearted people tend to find clarity easier because they dig the finer things in life-- if not the finest. Because in their eyes, the imperfections that work together to create the life they live is, at that moment, its finest. It's all about perspective.

So, sometimes it's okay to be still. It's alright to enjoy everything you've got for what it is without trying to gain more. I believe we're all driven by selfish motives, whether we can see or admit it-- but that's another argument for a different day. I wish my literacy level was as high as it was before because I can't entirely express what I wish to express. So, for all the things I lack .. I'm okay. In fact, I'm better than just "okay". I pray that one day I'll understand, but until then, I have faith in the way things are.

Patience, Patience, Patience!

Clearly not my virtue, but I'm working on it. So um, when's it my turn? Lord willing, it'll be this year. We really never know, but I'm definitely hopeful...After all good things comes to those who wait, right? riiight.

So, this one person encouraged me to read start reading my bible again, and I did. The message yesterday really got to me-- the same way that the message last Sunday & my daily devotion did. It's funny how all added up to the same realization. Good things really do work together for the good of those who love God. Do I sound like an extremist? Because that's hardly my intention at all. The message just really moved me. (It covered making the right resolutions). The steps made me realize that this is not going to be an easy ride. In fact, it's going to take some crashing and some falling-- but God promises to be there with us every step of the way, and God does answer prayers, in his time and will 'cause everything happens according to his will...and you know what I've realized, (and believe me I feel so bad right now) I've realized that every time some thing is wrong with me or going wrong in my life I usually go to my friends first, and I never turn to God and pray first (which I should be doing). I haven't done that in quite a while, and I realized that I need to start giving all my worries and fears to him, that's what he's there for, am I right? Just like the memory verse,

"Trust In the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. "

I've been feeling so down lately like my stress level is way up there & nothing, I mean nothing is going the way I want it to, but despite all the chaos and drama thats been going on in my life, I don't know but I'm okay,I feel okay, I actually I feel good right now. I have peace in my mind and in my heart. (THANK YOU LORD) and I thank everyone who's been there with me every step of the way and for all your prayers and advice. It really is working. and I'm slowly learning. I'm nowhere near where I want to be... yet but I know I'll get there, someday with the help of Jesus Christ.

On a different note, my cold, flu whatever it is, is acting up again to the highest level. High high highest level. Today was a pretty long day. I'm kind of tired, but of course I'd much rather blog about it than, I don't know, finish what I'm doing... I should be folding clothes, but I'd rather not.

Now that I'm done complaining about a pretty decent day due to my lack of energy, I can go back to folding clothes. Have a fabulous long weekend everyone.

Keep moving forward.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (James 1:2-3).

So lately, I've been blogging about this and that and I bet those who actually read my blogs think I'm like the boringest (that's not even a word.) person and what not, but i really know what I'm talking about on my blogs, even though people probably don't get it themselves haha! Anyways, lately my bed has been my absolute BEST FRIEND and same for anything i can practically munch on at home. I've been lazy again. Have you ever totally lost track of time and just felt like you wasted your whole day? That's how I've been feeling lately, and i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. It sorta feels good to lay low and to take a break from everything outside, basically it's like totally ignoring reality. I've been complaining a lot about a lot of things, i feel like a kid again or something. Oh the glory of being Unsatisfied! I've come to realize lately while I've been a bed potato that people stress everyday about not knowing who they want to be, who they are, and who they don't want to be. It's actually pretty exciting .. being lost and finding yourself and losing yourself again, and then figuring out who you want to be, it's like life has it's own crazy roller coaster running it's crazy and unpredictable route. What if we are born knowing who want to be, knowing who we don't want to be, and loving who we are, then I guess life isn't worth living, to be honest. Life wouldn't be so exciting and the ride most definitely would be lonely and boring. I guess life's disappointments are really life's key to satisfaction. Like i said before, I do love my life, regardless of all the hardships, disappointments, and, misunderstandings. I've learned to lift myself up and depend on NO ONE but myself. Life's too short to worry about WHO I AM, WHO IM NOT, AND WHO I WANNA BE. Am I right? or Am I right? Yes, I'm right.

HOW MANY CHANCES DOES ONE PERSON TRULY DESERVE?

So basically I'm just blogging about random topics that have nothing to do with anyone in particular, so don't get all butt hurt, and tell your friends, or your friends friends that this is about them, cause it's 100% isn't about anyone, kapeeesh?

So anyways, today i realized that there's a lot i don't know about one single person and what goes on in that persons life. Meaning there's an explanation for EVERY action, and that someone shouldn't be judged right away by the way they talk or how they address themselves. Anyways, what im trying to say is, there's a lot to a person and their life and the things they go through. of course, no one really expects another person to just straight out pour their problems to the whole world, for example, vent in a blog like this. YEAH, there are people out there who are more expressive than others, and that's cool too. but how about those who are too shy to let things out? who rather smile and pretend that everything's cool, or act the total opposite and act like a total son of a bucking fitch because that's their own way of letting their anger out. People just handle their problems in different ways, and im not saying that there's a wrong way and a right way to handle a problem. Sometimes it's really hard to satisfy ones self, when on the other hand it's easier for someone to satisfy you. It's weird, letting people into your life without a clue what HARM or even what HAPPINESS they can bring into your life. I guess that's what livings all about, taking those type of risks, even though they dont seem to be big risks, when in fact they're the most important decisions to make, whether or not you can trust someone, like truly trust someone. whether or not you can truly forgive someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. So, How many chances does a person truly deserve?

MORE of what I need, LESS of what I don't.

Looking at pictures makes me miss the LOH days-- not only because of our youth, but because of everything else. Leaving LOH taught me that I won't always have people on my side, regardless of how long we've known each other. It taught me that there will come a time where things will go wrong, and it tests your faith greatly in every aspect: in people, in yourself, in society, etc. You start to question yourself because for once, nobody's there to give you all the answers. I've grown a lot through the experience. It was really rough, but it was definitely a blessing in disguise? MAYBE. CAN BE, That's new. You really never know what you've got 'til it's gone. I have big plans for this year. Despite my many set backs. I miss...all of you :'(

MY TURN.

"So now it's my turn. Now, it's time for me to take care of me"

It's my turn ..right? MY TURN. Mine. I like how this situation is entirely inevitable. The moment I feel like I'm doing something for me, the moment I'm as focused as I can be, my biggest motivating force always seem to work against me. How this happens is far beyond my understanding. I coulda sworn this time it was my turn. I promise I'm trying.

On the other hand I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm finally no longer stuck. Progress is being made, and I am learning...I'm definitely learning.

....These past couple of weeks have seriously been rough on me, but (thanks to a good friend of mine) I've realized that I can't take it back. I can't take any of it back. But, I can make sure I don't lose focus for the same reasons. I'm only human. I won't pretend it won't happen again. But I'm trying. I swear I'm trying. Change is far too necessary. It's time for me to really check myself and make some adjustments. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but who's ever really ready? I'm as ready as it gets. So, here's to another sick attempt to stay focused. Too many mistakes have held me too far back. Too many worries have caused me to waste too much of time. This cycle is .. too much, and the weight is getting too heavy. Despite my many set backs, I trust everything will work out-- whether it's smooth sailing or not.

On the bright side, --I'm waiting for the bright side.

--More of what I need, LESS of what I don't.

So True.

"Your close friends become your worst enemies, lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent ones turn into sluts, homework goes in the trash, soda becomes vodka, kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from boys were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings, race issues were about who ran the fastest, the only drug you knew was cough medicine, wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut, the only thing that hurt you was skinned knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? & Yet we couldn't wait to grow up..."

On Thin Ice.

Life is hard when you have no solid ground to stand on, and the only thing you're standing on is thin slippery ice.

New Year, SERIOUSLY who gives a damn!

DISREGARD ALL MY OTHER BLOGS (WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I WROTE ALL THOSE OTHER BLOGS?!) ... ABOUT HOW THIS YEAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE "A GOOD YEAR." YEAH, YEAH WHATEVER...

SO I GUESS it's another year, a new start, another chance to supposedly "better" ourselves, to forget the past and move forward. Sounds great huh?, but too bad it doesn't really exist. Another year? 2009? People think they care, people think they're gonna change, but they either stay the same, or get worse than who they already are. It's not about starting over, it's not about not looking back, or having another chance, it's about finding ourselves and becoming who we want to be. It doesn't matter if it's a new year, because throughout the year, every year, throughout our lives, we should be trying to find ourselves. People make it seem like since a year has passed by, that we forget what happens in the previous year, when in fact all that happened to us in the past year could never be forgotten or taken back. It's apart of you and it made you who you are today. So were celebrating a year gone by, and new year coming because ? ... we get excited when time flys by? I don't get it? ... Anyways, I cant say I totally hated 2008, but I cant say I liked it either, when in fact i didn't really like anything that happened LAST YEAR... but like I said, it's not about basing your life on life's disappointments or life's great moments, but to find yourself. It's a NEW YEAR, WHO GIVES A FRKING DAMN. EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME. NOTHINGS CHANGED, AND..

SECOND CHANCES NEVER MATTER CAUSE PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE.

& this is why I'm reluctant about EVERYTHING this time around, 'cause I'm scared to get hurt, and I'm very afraid of commitment.

A NEW LOOK.

So I've been talking to Bree about how I want a NEW LOOK for the whatever you want to call it so called "new year", and with that being said, I'm planning to dye my hair and get bangs and a mullet kinda look, I was reading this article about "How to Pick A Hair Color To Match Your Skin Tone" and it said :

"Let's start with the FAIR SKINNED girls , If your skin makes you look like you're allergic to the sun, (YES, THAT'S ME HAHAHAHA) it's best to stick with light colors: blondes, warm blondes, gold, coppers, natural to strawberry. For the fair girls with a healthy glow (warm undertones): You've got more colors to play with. Try anything that makes you happy: from a Marilyn platinum blonde to the light browns."

So, I'm thinking a dirty kind of blonde like not blonde, blonde hahaha okay, well IDK we'll see whatever I come up with, It's either that or like burgundy a dark kinda red...hehe. We'll see.

STRUGGLE.

So my cousin gave me this sermon about satisfaction in life and her jibber jabber, and where I guess to find it? IDK, but it didn't interest me at all to be honest, until she mentioned "People have everything they ever wished for, and it's still not enough.". It sorta made me sad and it sorta hit me. It's so hard to satisfy a person, coming from me, trust me, I should know. It's like seriously giving EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING.

Life's so hard when it's not going your way, seriously.

So lately I've felt that no matter how much or how hard I try to make something work, the more i seem to be doing something wrong, well at least according to one specific person. I feel like i shouldn't even exist to this person anymore just cause all I end up doing is pissing that person off. it's not a fun job. seriously, I think this is the end of feeling this way enough is enough,'cause I'm DONE with not being ENOUGH.

I feel like whenever I try to give my best I always get the worst and whenever I feel like there's some hope and just when I feel like everything's going to be okay and get better, it all crashes down, and I'm so confused. I'm lost. I don't know anymore.

"Whatever my heart wants always conflicts with what my head tells me to do,
and I never know which one to follow." -That is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW :'(

I just really miss....

THIS IS MY YEAR.

This is the year,

-When I finally graduate High school!
-When I go to my own Prom and Gradnite
-When I finally get to move out! ...& move in with Breee!
-When I start college -_-
When I get my license and actually start driving LEGALLY !
-When I finally have the FREEDOM I've been wanting for the past 18 years.

& This is the year where I start all over, from scratch and make amends, changes, and so on.

This is going to be a good year, you know why? 'cause I SAID SO... haha & I feel it [:

I'm praying that 2009 will be mine.

'09 SO FINE.

Psh, I'm Filipina.

I took a blood & urine test today. My results came in, and this is what my doctor wrote on the back of my result sheet:

Arlaine is anemic (low red blood count). Looks like iron deficiency is the cause.

We usually start you on iron supplementation. You can get iron over-the-counter at our pharmacy (or any pharmacy). Usually we have you start ferrous sulfate or ferrous gluconate. It comes as 325 mg/tablet. I would start with one each day with orange juice.

After a few weeks, you can try two a day (AM + PM), but you may get constipated and have to go back to one.

Lots of beans, meat (if you're a meat eater), eggs and dried fruit - they have iron.

I'd like to recheck you in about 2 months. Just call me if you have questions.

Sidenote: Wow! That's a really low cholesterol - not sure what that means - are you a vegetarian?

Sincerely,

Dr.Ganju
------------------

Wow! NO, I'm not a vegetarian. I mean, psssh! I'm filipina.