HSM3.

-Someone, Anyone take me with them to watch this please (:

Twilight!

--I've read the first three books, I just need to buy the fourth book which is "Breaking Dawn"... I can't wait, 'til the movie comes out in Nov. I'm so excited [: You guys have to buy yourself a copy of each book, It's one of the MUST HAVE kinda things,OH & watch the movie with ME when it comes out!

The Movie comes out on: November 21, 2008

Things and such...

• Study for Sat Subject Test which is this Saturday (Nov. 1st)
• Finish Notes and Review Questions for First Period By Fri.10/31
• AP Lit: Read Brave New World ,Gulliver's Travel & Huckleberry Finn
• AP Lit: Re-write BNW essay!
• AP Gov't: Listen to the National Public Radio before 10/31 and write an Essay about it
• AP Gov't: Read & Do packet's for Chapter 4 & 5
• AP Gov't: Finish ALL Political Platform's By Nov. 14th
• AP Gov't: Finish 3 court cases by the end of next week
• AP Gov't: Start doing research for the topic on our next Debate
• AP Calc: Finish ALL homework/classwork By Fri. 10/31
• AP Bio: Study for the tests on ALL the Chapter's that were covered
• Need to Register for the ACT + Writing Test in December
• Need to finish applying/filling out ALL College Apps. By Nov. 20th
• AP Lit: Need to do an Essay on the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Henry, Part 2

See, this is WHY I've been so so soo BUSY lately!
& this isn't even the half of it, I shall add more when I remember what I'm missing.
I have NO BREAK -__-

Obama or McCain?

Anyone want to find out who's in the lead to become our Next U.S. President?

Go to : http://pollster.com/

It's updated Daily likewise,every hour; so It's always accurate.

-As of now, Obama is in the lead. 311 for Democratic.

One more week 'til the Election, All of you 18 year olds and above better vote! haha (:

Mm, Red Velvet.

Sprinkle's Cupcakes are so BOMB! Someone has to get me 27 Red Velvet cupcakes from this place on my Birthday haha! [: This place is so awesome, everyone has to go there and try it!

http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/index.html

http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/index.html
http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/index.html

It's in Beverly Hills :
9635 Little Santa Monica Blvd. (Between Bedford & Camden)
Which is 2 blocks West from Rodeo Dr.

My door's are closing...

So with my last blog being said... I've decided that, I'll be layin low for a while; for a LONG WHILE. I'll be MIA from now on 'til who knows when, I'm keeping my distance from everyone, from everything. It's nothing personal, I do miss a lot of people but I'm just not in mood to you know... get in touch and get in contact everybody, & I apologize to those people who have been calling/txting me like crazy; trying to get to me... I'm not dead or anything, I promise I'll get back to you guys, one of these days; someday. But yeah for now, I'm staying away from myspace, facebook, aim, this thing, and my phone. I won't be completely gone, but IF I'm needed you can find me in a library or something, that's IF I'm needed. Which I highly doubt. Well, this will be my last blog for now, 'til I actually have something nice & interesting worth talking about...'til then I'll catch ya guys later.

-Have a lovely, fun & safe Halloween everyone [:

PS.
2008 is cursed. This is the worst year of my life.
I hate, hate, hate this year.

Peace & Love,
-AMA

" I'm currently away from the world right now..."

Selfish.

-I want you to myself, I can't help it.

I always told myself to never hope: Hope for nothing, become disappointed in nothing. Still, I can't help but be a little bit selfish every now and then. Too bad this time I'm being a lot selfish. I promised I'd fight it so I wouldn't ever want what I can't have, but it doesn't always happen that way. See, sometimes the desire of one's mind overpowers what's in their heart -- worlds apart typa thing. Oh, but that's never the end of it. We build walls, allow people to tear 'em down enough to hurt us, and then build em again. Same process of the same gdamn cycle. So maybe this time I'm genuinely not kidding when I say, I really just want to be left alone this time. I play this game too often, but never purposely. I know how to get in, I know how to get out. I'm tired -- so so tired of playing a game that I can only win at my own expense. I refuse to lose focus for nothing. It's time to focus. For once in my life, I'm closing my doors for me. Selfish. But, It's about time I became this selfish.


So, my vacation is practically over. Sadly, I'll be back in school on Monday. Ah, two months went by hecka fast. Before you know It's December already. Man, back to bittersweet reality. Party time is over for me. These next two months will be CRUCIAL. But it's okay, I'm ready and I know time will fly by fast and I won't even realize it. But for the next two months I'll be MIA for a very very very long time and I mean LONG TIME. *Sighs I miss a lot of people right now, like it's not even funny.

Eh, I feel kinda Ugh I don't even know right now. I just don't feel good for some reason. Physically & Emotionally...But I rather not go into details here, like I said I wouldn't do that here anymore so yeah...nothing's entirely wrong, I just want to be more than 'okay' . Ah, Bree is rubbing off on me, we're in that depressed kinda mode :( ahhh. whatevers, I hope this whateva I'm feeling just goes away. A lot of things are bugging/annoying/irritating/frustrating me, & A lot of people are just driving me totally nuts...

I'm an emotional wreck right now.

Lucky Number 20.

1.) I really could care less about you & your pathetic little girlfriend! YOU, are soo ugh I don't even know who the heck you are anymore, and your girlfriend... well she's just childish and stupid, maybe that's why you guys make such a good couple. You were better off with your first gf.

2.) I really don't know how to consider us anymore... are we really friends? or we just all of a sudden stop being "friends" then befriend each other when we get the chance, or when you decide to talk to me again? I thought we were good then you'd bring the "silence" and over and over again. It's getting tiring and I want to settle because I've been trying to prove a point you've doubted in the very beginning, if it goes the other way, then obviously I was wrong.

3.) You, are such a pathological LIAR! YOU know it, & everyone else knows it...and It's getting so annoying. PLEASE, grow up and find a brain of some sort some where, seriously 'cause you look so stupid.You're like a 6 year old student telling their teacher a dog ate their homework...You can be so dumb, SO DUMB sometimes.

4.) OH YOU! I can't really cant relay my feelings to you. I have before, but I'm passed that. I don't even think about you, anymore, but in the rare times that I do. But at the same time, I no longer want or really need you in my life, quite frankly. I just keep it to myself at those really rare and weird times when you come across my mind.

5.) AH, I love you & I'll always love you, you're like family to me, but lately the choices you've been making are kinda ehh. & It's kinda disappointing me and a few other people that really care about you. We just don't want you to turn out like other people or should I say other girls out there, and hopefully you stand by your word this time now that you've made up your mind.

6.) I just really,really, really, miss you :(

7.) You, are like my mother haha! Thanks for caring about me soo much,I really appreciate it, even though I know you have problems of your own, but you still take the time to ask how I'm doing. I know that I can always come to you for anything.

8.) I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you wanted it to or PLANNED to. I truly never meant to send you the wrong signals.I had no clue what I was doing. Everything that happened between us was in the past and I already forgave you & I hope we can still be good friends later on in the future, but for now I guess it's better off that we just keep our distance.

9.) Oh You are such an odd one! We are so dumb, sometimes. I can't believe the conversations we have. You're someone who has brightened up my life, no doubt about that & everytime I see you, I can't help but smile 'cause you just crack me up. I miss you dearly!

10.) YOU, OH YOU, yes YOU...I just love you. PERIOD. I don't know who I am in your life but I'm grateful I am to have you a part of mine. You will be in my life forever. We've shared some intense times together.I love how I can be totally serious with you and we can talk about stuff that makes us cry or we can be totally immature and just say the most ridiculous things about people.You really blow me away even though you can be SUCH A JERK sometimes haha but knowing you, I can say "I know the most handsome guy on earth." Thanks for putting up with me for about 2 years now & you're right no on can ever possibly do that, just you :)

12.) I've known you for about 6 or 7 years now and I'm glad to say you're the only friend I've never fought or argued with. haha, we still hang out with each other during school, yet still we don't really say much. but it's just good to know that we can still share memories/stories with each other and have a great laugh. Ehh, You have been so girl crazy lately though -_-

13.) We havent gone anywhere. I tried so hard to try to get to you & make everything cool between us, but you're so quick to go hot & cold that I dont know how to keep up, It just sucks, because I thought we had this tight friendship, but im guessing that when you were one of the people that I prioritize, I was just an option.Oh well, now that I think about it, I really could care less about you and whatever the heck you do.

14.) UGH, you. Stop acting like miss goody two shoes over here that has an invisible halo over your head... 'cause I'm not buying it this time. Stop acting like you can party or you can dance, It's annoying! You're fake, and thats not pretty or hott so stop thinking you are, cause you're only pretty, from far away. You dont have to suck up to me or try tp befriend me 'cause it isnt going to make you more appealing to me. I would love to break it to you, that not everyone's gonna like you.

15.) BACK THE HECK OFF. Don't you already see all the signs I've been sending you?! Hello! I don't freaking like you! UGH ewww, get over yourself. seriously! You're so ridicoulously self centered.I hope you get your face all messed up cause once that's gone, you're absolutely NOTHING.

16.) ....I really don't know what your deal is. You are bi-polar, I swear you are. I try to be so perfect for you and yet you still don't see all the good things I do and that hurts. I try so hard to please you, to please people you want and expect me to and in the end, it's all for nothing. You always assume this & that and whatever and to tell you the truth I'M SO SICK, SO TIRED of trying to be the best I can be, JUST FOR YOU. You never appreciate the little things I do and it really sucks, but it's okay 'cause I'll be gone from here, from "your roof" next year of Sept. and we'll see who goes crying back to who.

17.) I miss you so so so much! I miss sitting next to you every Sunday and massaging your hands and singing with you on Sunday's...I really hope you don't forget about me, and I hope you don't replace me with anyone else, I hope I'll still be your little sister the next time I see you.

18.) You'd be a lot more attractive if you didnt have thinner eyebrows than me, haha ew! I don't know what in the world is my cousin still doing with you. EW! It's just gross, you're not even good-looking, cute or handsome. You think you are, but you're just a dillusional person which is really sad, you wanna-be playa! UGH. I can't stand you or your face.

19.) It's soo funny how you & me just became soo close all of a sudden, You're like an older bro. to me haha thanks for always making me laugh and checking up on me to see if I'm alright. I hope everything between you & ______ work out they way you want it to.

20.) & You little girl, stop being so insecure, YOU'RE TOO INSECURE thats why your ex doesnt really want to get back with you. & I can't believe you think he's trying to "holla" at me...my goodness you have one crazy imagination. You are so indecisive, make up your mind. You can't just go back to him after you're done messing with a whole bunch of other dudes. I mean seriously, who do you think you are? and you get mad at him for talking to other girls, YOU THINK he's supposedly flirting with. Oh please, grow up.

-You never miss a good thing 'til it leaves you.

I love, love, love, LOVE this weather. I live for days like these, not too sunny, not too cold,just right. I can't wait to get out of here and walk around my neighborhood later...

So, I just came back home from school, I went to pick up a few books to study for the SAT & ACT tests, and see some familiar faces that I've missed oh so very much, hehe oh and take quite a few pictures of everyone. Yes, that was fun! *sighs, school is just around the corner for me, but It's about time 'cause laziness has hit me so I need to be more productive and what not.

--Despite the recent (almost unbearable) events, I can honestly say that life is good. Last week my life felt like it was crashing down. So many things happened all at once, and in such a fast pace, that I wasn't able to assimilate to the temporary changes. For a moment I really thought that things will never be the same and that this will always leave me in shock, but here I am coping and picking up the pieces.

In the end, I know that I have people that love me unconditionally and I have myself. I have a few loose ends to work with but I'm certain that I can fix it, given the opportunity and a lot of hard work. I'm ready.

Oh & btw, HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY SARAH JANE. I LOVE YOU!

-CIAO!

By the end of this week I have to:

-Hang Out with Caresse,Derrick,Bree & of course Paul.
-Finish ALL my vacation Homework!
-Go to work & change my schedule
-Start working on my Political Platforms
-Start Studying for the SAT Subject Tests I have to take on Nov. 1st
-Clean out my closet
-Write a letter to someone
-Start working out again...hahaha!
-Start to finish filling out the ALL College Apps.

Um, am I missing anything? I don't know. I shall add to this if I'm forgetting something.

Have a lovely week everyone.

Painfully Beautiful,

Okay, so I told myself that I wasn't going to blog anymore of my feelings in this thing anymore, but hah, guess what? things change haha, I mean that's the whole reason or should I say point why I'm even blogging in the first place, Am I right? besides to update you guys on whats veen going on with me & to keep everyone updated. Well with that being said I'll keep most of my inner thoughts to a minimum, I won't totally blab about how I'm really feeling, 'cause yeah I don't want to get introuble again, & NO ER, not by my parent's haha!

So moving along, this is my last week of vacation (sadly) wow, two months went by hecka fast. But it was REALLY FUN while it lasted. Eh, back to reality haha so long 'good life' haha. These next two months (Nov. & Dec.) in school will be CRUCIAL for me, but I'm ready. But alas, all my priorites are back in order. Like I said before, my drive has had the velocity of a snail. I know I clearly haven't been at my best, and I know saying it over and over again won't do anything, so It's either I make some changes or I stay in this rut I've been in for about 3 months now...

I was cleaning out my room today, and I stumbled upon so many things that really motivated me. I found a lot of my old notebooks, old drawings, etc... I'm so insanely motivated to make something of myself. Like I said a few days ago, you really do always find your way back to your roots. I really haven't changed. My passion has caught up with me; it's not allowing my apathy to get the best of me any longer. Finally!

Praise you Jesus, for motivating me yet again. I can't keep taking breaks the way I do because I tend to let go of the things I'm so passionate about. I have a drive like no other; it's about time I learned to use it fully. I waste too much time thinking about what I could do, what I should've done, where I could've been at, and what I need to get done in terms of my career as opposed to straight out doing it. There's so such thing as trying, in my eyes -- only doing. You're either doing, or you aren't. Trying is a sorry for excuse for those who feel their goals are unattainable. I know I got this on lock because I've got an amazing group of loved ones on my side. Like I always say: Effort -- make none, get none. Sometimes you've got to make all the effort. It's really the only way. I'm more than okay with that because this is all worth it. I've got my head on straight, all I need is to make some changes and start really making moves. I really just need to focus better.

This is the best I've felt in a long time, I feel good. I'm okay. I'm praying that 'everything will be okay' . I REALLY miss everyone at my old church but, I know I'll still be seeing them around, this is all just temporary. Like Ate Kk told me: "It doesnt matter what church you go to, what matters is that you worship GOD and serve him with all your heart."- & when she told me that, It really hit me. She's right & that's so true, we don't go to church for the people, we go to church to worship and serve God. It made me feel better when she told me that...I miss a lot of you :(

I'm in love.

Love,
-Arlaine

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are..."

Mhm.

I don't think I'll be writing anymore of my INNER thoughts in this thing anymore, my feelings just get me introuble. From now on, I'll just keep it to myself. If you guys want to know how I'm doing 'emotionally' or whatever you know how to contact me , but from now on...I won't be sharing what's going on inside this head of mine. Nope not anymore. I mean seriously, It's not like anyone really cares about how I'm feeling, so I rather just keep it to myself from now on. Actually I'm thinking about deleting this thing and no more blogging for good. Hmm...we'll see.

No more excuses.

It's true when they say that nothing in this life is handed to you -- nor is it meant to be. Nothing of worth is supposed to be easy. We've been generally warned. We know it, but we ignore it. I've been ignoring it. I've been disregarding the knowledge that's been implanted in my soul so heavily for the longest time. I've grown ignorant to all the aspects that made my life THE good life -- THE life to live. I'm not a believer in high pedestals, but I sure as hell do not believe in ever stooping down even in the least bit. I've talked about this many times; told myself that I know what to do; told my girls the steps I need to take -- but it doesn't do justice if I don't start to live it. I may not be living the way that everyone wants me to -- but when have I ever gaf? Never, really. I haven't changed in the least bit. I'm still completely ridiculous, still struggling, and still fighting, nothing really changed, but I never expected it to. I'm not the type to quit. I was never the type. It's all about perspective. See things in my light -- it's better in this light.

So no more excuses, and that goes for everything. You make time for what you love. You work hard for what you want. If you're really in it to win it, you'd do all it takes. YOU'D DO ALL IT TAKES. No excuses.

I don't even know.

I'm feeling a little ill, and it's put me in a full doughty thought mode right now. As the pastor mentioned today, we are all driven by our own pursuit. Though I was so exhausted from a long night, I knew that I was inclined to get through the rest of my day. Actually, these past few days have been a little rough on me, I woke up this morning feeling numb. no feelings, just... nothing; something that I wish I could wake up more often to. I've been waking up to worries and nightmares and my mind has just been such a mess. Things that I won't mention here, but after yesterday this morning, I can breathe. There's something that I should have realized awhile ago. It's most definitely here in my heart. It's just going to take me awhile to say it...

Those who fail to plan, plan to fail?

So today is the first time I've step foot in a church in a month, it felt weird but at the same time I felt good inside, to finally be in a place where theres peace. So, my dad wants me to get involved with their Music ministry there, but ehhh not feelin' it. I miss my old church too much, oh so very dearly. I wanted to cry 'cause I miss everyone so much...I actually did cry during the service. I miss singing in church and sitting in between Ate Faith & Ate Sheryl every Sunday. It feels akward sitting down next to my parents, but it's okay though...I guess. I just miss everyone. It sucks 'cause I didn't even really get to say goodbye to most of the people there. ahhh, I just miss everyone ): They've been there for me at my worst and at my best. *SIGHS , but there's really nothing I can do my parent's don't want to go back...yet. Hopefully they'll change their minds sooner or later. HOPEFULLY. but for now, I guess I'll be MIA for a while...for a LONG while. I hope I see you guys soon, I love all of you haha well almost all of you...

I plan to focus on what I have now and make the best of every moment. I'm hopeful for the future. I just wished sometimes I could be a bit more optimistic than doubtful about the people that may or may not stay in my life. It's not like I can plan to keep them... How do you revolve yourself around that? I'm so intrigued to wanting to know how couples stay together for soo long. Why do we wait and let things happen the way theyre supposed to go but contradictingly they all say that if you don't plan a future, then you won't have one? The hell. This is why I always keep that partial distance with everyone so it can keep me from hurting, ever....if I were to lose them. But why am I contemplating on the negativities of what may not happen? I don't know!!!

Just a few thoughts.

...I'm not gonna go into details. The outcome, I can assure you, is going to be gruesome. I honestly think that I've endured enough pain and punishment. Sleeping around 4am is enough to make a girl want to hit her head against the wall (I didn't hit my head against the wall, but it was one of the options). I now have what I call "hamster eyes" from the lack of sleep and the insignificant amount of tears shed. This is going to be a long day...

-Arlaine

Rambling.

Looking back at everything I used to do, everything I used to love, but no longer do just makes me sad. I'm gonna be completely real, it straight up makes me sad. I haven't changed much, I know I haven't. Bree & Caresse can back me up on that. It just kills knowing I let go of a lot of things I used to love the most. This is definitely not gonna be a sad blog whatsoever. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm definitely touchin up on all the things I used to do. I'm making a pact with myself, and I know I can't bare to disappoint myself -- not anymore. I'm better than this. I let go for too long, so here we go. I used to be all about perfecting the things I did. Yeah, yeah, no such thing as perfect. BUT, that's what I always strived for -- in a sense that I'd just get better. I'm so rusty now. I can't do half the things I used to, and that's just SAD. I'm dead serious too. I'm getting this all back. I waste too much time, but now all I have is time. So, you know.

There's really a million and one thoughts going through my head; it all makes sense, but it doesn't. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. I'm happy, but I'm sad. I'm not quite sure of anything, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it'd be this: No regrets, it was not in vain. I know I can't take anything back, and I really don't want to. I really wouldn't want to. I won't be okay because nothing's wrong -- therefore, I AM okay. I'm blabbing. I've been blabbing ALL day. I'm at the point where I have so much going on for me that I really don't want to talk about any of it. In fact, I don't want to talk about anything at all. --UNLESS YOUR NAME IS BRIANNA CYNTHIA MITJANS OR CARESSE ISABELLE FERNANDEZ. They're really the only people in the world that I feel like conversing with, right now. Literally. It's okay. It's always okay with them to be blabbing my mouth off.

So much life going around. First off, Bree & Caresse are really the only people who understands this part of my life. Sometimes, I'm amazed. I've told this story more than once before, and yet they're the only people that I've never felt stupid telling it to. All self-consciousness has left me. This isn't confusing whatsoever; in fact, it makes more sense than anything else I've ever known. I'm really praying things work out for the best. I believe they will one day.

I don't know why this is so hard. I mean, I really am okay. It's the first time I've been this okay in awhile. Still, I don't know. I want so much to just fix things, but I really don't know how to. I want to be able to just leave it alone, but at the same time, I can't. The beauty in this stands firm for my perspective isn't fogged at all. I see pretty clearly which is why I'm definitely okay right now. I just wish I was more than okay. Nothing's entirely wrong, I guess.

Like I said, nothing's entirely wrong. I'm really okay, or at least I just have to keep telling myself that. I guess this is just a process or phase that I'm going through, just starting to get used to everything.

--I've been blogging on my myspace too, so you guys can read that as well, if you'd like... just so you can understand more of what I'm talking to about, 'cause I clearly don't make any sense right now...

-AMA

Colleges-UPDATED!

So with a lot of thought and debating put into this, I've finally decided what colleges I really want to apply to:

-The ones with the * are the school's that I'm definitely going to apply to.

1.UC San Diego-not sure anymore :/
2.Irvine*
3.UC Riverside*
4.UC Santa Cruz
5.UC Davis*

6.Richmond University in London

1. Cal-State Dominguez Hills*
2. Cal-State Long Beach*
3. Cal-State North Ridge*
4. Cal-State LA*

5. San Francisco State University-not sure
6. San Diego State University -not sure

--So now, all I need to do Is start applying. haha oh and get my SAT & ACT tests down & finished! Wish me luck loves.

Eh, Here I go!

Getting, Going Somewhere...

Lately, my drive has had the velocity of a snail. I clearly haven't been at my best, and I know saying it over and over again won't do anything. I've really got to find the motivation I once had. Apathy has its advantages, but it has more cons than anything. Plus there's really only so much Nasty that can do for me, you know? I know. I got this, I know I do. I just hope I can get stay on track for more than a couple days -- and stay on it for quite a while. This is nothing I can't handle. I just need an attitude adjustment. I also need to get rid of the many distractions I have in my life right now. You know, the ones that really only bring me down for even just a little while...Better decisions include a lot more thought and a lot more logic. Am I right?

I know I can't keep taking breaks the way I do because I tend to let go of the things I'm so passionate about. I have a drive like no other; it's about time I learned to use it fully. I waste too much time thinking about what I could do, what I should've done, where I could've been at, and what I need to get done in terms of my career as opposed to straight out doing it. There's no such thing as trying, in my eyes -- only doing. You're either doing, or you aren't. Trying is a sorry for excuse for those who feel their goals are unattainable. I know I got this on lock because I've got an amazing group of loved ones on my side. Like I always say: Effort -- make none, get none. Sometimes you've got to make all the effort. It's really the only way. I'm more than okay with that because this is all worth it. I've got my head on straight, all I need is to make some changes and start really making moves. I really just need to focus better. Help me, Jesus.

Oh, and don't you dare stand in my way.

Now a side of old roots. I'm back to the way I used to be. Now, that could definitely be both a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I've once again been enlightened to the extent of a brand new, old perspective. If you were me, that would totally make sense. I'm not even kidding. Now, bad because I'm starting to do a few of the things I used to -- & that's definitely not helping out any situation. Especially because my apathy has once again gotten the best of me. I'm really just living now, and like I said: it could definitely be both a good and bad thing. I'm stuck in the middle of figuring out which side weighs more. I really haven't changed. I doubt I ever will.

There's so much life going on, but that's not new at all. I've been enlightened, really. Praise you, Jesus, for fixing my fogged up perspective. Things are clearer again. It must be all the love?

-AMA

Building Walls.

Someone told me I'd be able to take the walls down because I'd find people I can really depend on. Oh, how wrong they were. Let's be real. For the most part, you really only ever have yourself. Truth of the matter: This is your life; your decisions lead to your actions that create your consequences that you have to deal with. Yet, focusing on yourself means you're selfish. Focusing on everyone else means you're too soft to deal with your own. Not at all. I'm not gonna put up a front like I know your business, 'cause really, I don't.

But I do know mine. I know that only a few people know the real Arlaine Ablaza, and only those people are welcome within the walls I've built. I was naive enough to believe the person who told me I'd be able to take 'em down one day, but not naive enough to let my guard down. I know my walls will only ever get higher 'til I meet the person who surpasses all ordinary... It's kind of like soldiers. They don't build walls because they're afraid, but because they're smarter than your average. They know when to come out to fight, but they know when to stay put and wait for better opportunities. It's a strength type thing. So this is me continuing to build my fort, waiting for better people and better days. It ain't easy, but nothing of worth ever is. Ever. You know how it goes...

I'm beginning to see the beauty in everything all over again. It's hard, but I know this struggle's not in vain.

...And alas, my priorities have started to fall back into order. Today was such a productive day, I'm not gonna lie. There's a few things I didn't get done, but there's a lot more things I didn't plan to do that I ended up doing. It's a lovely feeling -- accomplishment. Lately things have been reminding me why exacly I do the things I do, and really, it's such a blessing. I've still got so much work to do, but I also have so much determination to do so. I don't know what touched my soul so lovely in the past couple days, but I praise Jesus for sending it to me. I'm so so so tired. I've really been forcing myself to see clearly with the lights off -- apparently, that does me no good. Though, it really should've been obvious. Fact of the matter is I'm getting there, and it's a good feeling... Oh, it's a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l feeling.

Almost there, not quite...but almost.

College Apps. already? WHAT?!

So I've been starting to look for Colleges to Apply to & I think I've finally made my mind up about which ones I want to go to, so here it goes:

UC San Diego

UC Irvine

UC Riverside

UC Santa Cruz

and MAYBE

Richmond University in London- (UNLESS someone talks me out of it haha!)

and IF all else fails...(Oh God I hope not)

Cal-State Dominguez Hills

Cal-State Long Beach

Cal-State North Ridge

Cal-State LA

and last but not least...

San Francisco State University

&

San Diego State University

So, all applications are due by November 30th, Ahh I need to start like NOW!

Ahh I'm going to be so so busy when I get back to school. I can feel the pressure and stress coming on already, Man funs over for me. These two months left of this year (Nov. & Dec.) will be crucial for me. VERY. I mean VERY...UGH. Wish me luck you guys & PLEASE, please,please keep me in your prayers! Hopefully I get accepted in ALL the UC's I applied for, oh & as well as the Cal-State's too, haha but preferably the UC's hehe thanks.

Man, so I have to get my SAT Subject test done by Nov 2nd. & then after that I have to take my ACT test and then after that I'm going to take my SAT 1 to try and get a better score than I did last time... Ahhh I have to get this all done by Nov. 30th and plus get all those apps filled out before Nov. 30th as well. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :/ these are the times when I wish I was still a little girl. *Sighs. Time is flyinnn by too fast :/

-AMA

Time for a Change.

-Pardon my last blog entry, that was uncalled for but that's how angry I felt.

These past couple months I've gone through more than a young girl should. It's been filled with more blasts from the past than necessary. In fact, sometimes I wonder how I ever got through any of it in the first place -- or the second, or the third. You'd think it'd get easier, but it really never does. My decisions have clearly been impaired with everything I once lacked, and everything I've learned to fill for myself. I got so caught up with how hard it is when you put it all together that I forgot how easy it is to ask for help.

There's so much more to life than I've been allowing myself to live. I've made more than enough mistakes in just the past couple months -- mistakes I can't take back, but I've learned never to regret. It's a lesson I learned a long time ago. To be honest, I'm not fully okay just yet. I know I will be in time because I refuse to stop fighting. I refuse. Screw you nostalgia 'cause, in a little bit longer, I'll be more than fine.

So clearly my judgment for the past couple of weeks has been very much plagued with mediocrity, as my best friends would say. I have definitely not been cracked up to what I'm supposed to be, but it happens. Once again, I've been elightened. By what, I'm not sure. I just need to constantly remind myself that I'm better than the things I pull.

Life, It's not always rainbows and butterflies -- TRUE. BUT, that's because life's got hell of a lot more to offer than just rainbows and butterflies. There's so many aspects to look at, but you know what; life's just too good sometimes. I've got so much weight on my shoulders right now, but this is the best I've felt in awhile now. In fact, I feel myself getting back on track. I always tell myself that I really won't get anything if I, myself, do not make any effort. You'd think I wouldn't be happy with myself considering the decisions I've been making lately, but apparently, I'm starting to think a little wider, see a bit clearer, and love a lot better. This life I live is one hell of a ride, but I'm telling you, every single part of it is worth it... Many ask me, "Hey Arlaine. Why don't you regret anything?" I really just smile and say, "because I know that at the moment, it was exacly what I worked so hard to get, exacly what I strived so hard to be, and exactly what I wanted." So on the real, you don't live the good life based on what you got or who you can get. No, not at all.

Oh, I don't know what hit me, but I thank God for it. I'm back. Arlaine is back. I've figured out what's made me the way I've been for the past couple of months, and it's most definitely time for a change. Most definitely. Life is so so beautiful. My excuses for the way I've been acting is not justifiable. Sometimes I wonder how many times I can go through the same thing, but hey that's life. I don't know. I really haven't been acting like myself lately, and I've finally realized it... Screw nostalgia and apathy.

This is me taking it back to where it all started -- because my best gave me the strength to do so. & There ain't nothin like it.

Now, time to make those changes.

#### OFF!

I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! We're not together dammit, Is everyone satisfied?! my frkn goodness! People, will you just mind your own god damn buisness for once. seriously! omg! I'm so pissed off, I have a very very very low tolerance for sh_t talkers so please just #### off! Don't #### with me, seriously.DON'T... ESPECIALLY NOT NOW. You guys haven't seen me at my worse yet so just leave it that way 'cause it won't be pretty. I'm not even kidding. The next person who starts talking sh_t about me or even dares pisses me off, I swear I won't even think twice it's f_cking on. I swear.UGH! I have sooooooooooooooooo much ANGER bottled up inside of me right now, like it's not even funny. If it has nothing to do with you, just #### off. seriously, making more sh_t than there already is. Gahhh. Just mind your own effin buisness. Stupid a-hole. Don't even get me started...'cause I won't stop. Stop being a little ##### If you have sh_t to say, say it infront of my face, dumbass! Talk is cheap, so just stfu. Before you start talking get your effin facts straight stupid. & especially If it's not your buisness, just stay out of it. We're not together, so what else do you guys f_cking want, seriously. Aren't all of you guys satisfied already, geeez. WTF?! WE'RE NOT TOGETHER, what else do you guys want to take from me? huh?! I mean seriously?! what the hell! what else do you want?! What!? do you guys not have anything better to do with your boring lives?! gahhh. I swear, people these days gahhhhhhh. I'm so jkehfjkfhksdhfksfhksdhf pisssed offf. I can seriously shoot someone right now. You don't know sh_t about me, so just keep your frkng mouths shut! and again, I'm not a subject of your effing ignorant gossips. So just shut the hell up. Before I shut you up myself. GET YOUR FRKN FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FRKN MOUTH DUMBASS! jhsfdkjfhkdsfksjfksd!!! Okay, I'll stop here before I say something else that might offend someone. Ugh, I'm soooo annoyed/pissed off/ frustrated jkfhkjfhdskfdskjfsh!

--All of a sudden people got game, and they all know how to play their cards right? Too bad I got this on lock. Think what they want, they're only just amateurs, forreal.

I love you Bree & Caresse [:

Breesseaulaine.

Ahh, It's October alreadyyy! Whoa! The Holiday season is just around the corner, and as well as my Birthday (: hahaha!

So today, wassss fun! fun! fun! 'cause I spent it with the most wonderful people ever...Bree, Caresse & Mr. Nehemiah :] so G-dale was fuuun. haha, but you guys had to be there to know what I'm talking about, Caresse's face was pricless I tell you! oh & btw, me & Bree have a new MOM now, and her name is Caresse hahahahahaha right Bree?

(Thats our MOTHER in the middle) LOL! ...aww Paul is missing :/

-Bree said: "haha she is our mom! she has a mommy bag with taco bell napkins in it. lol! you can tell i'm the bad kid cause my face.lol and your smile says your mommys lil angel haha"

Well anyways moving along, ugh today was another freaken hott day ew! It felt soo humid, sticky & what not, t'was so G-ross! Me & Bree felt like pulling our hairs a while ago out 'cause It was soo hott & we were soo HUNGRYYY!

Aw, I miss them already :/ haha and to think I just saw them like four hours ago or so, but heyyy that's a long time, I mean four hours lol that's long enough to miss someone if you haven't seen them. haha. Well with these people I miss them from the moment I walk away from them, haha (AWWW) yeah I know, I'm such a sweetie pieee....hahah NOTTT! just kidding [: But yeah, today was GREAT eventhough it was frickin hott, but it's all good at least I got to spend time with the bestS...HAHA! mhm, good day overall.

UGH! My legs are killing me, I'm soo sore ): and Caresse made me sprint for a minute just made it even worse hahaha oh yeah btw, did I mention that she almost, ALMOST killed me today. haha. yupp! I nearly died today 'cause of her! haha!

Hmm, I guess thats pretty much the highlight of my day, work was alright, just tiring standing there and greeting everyone... lol, I think I've said "Hi, welcome to Hollister, Have you been to our new store 'Gilly Hicks' at the Americana yet?" over 8374984734 times already! oh gosh. oh and this one is my fave "Bye! Have a nice day!" hahaha.

It's so hott, I'm going to shower again...like RIGHT NOW! So I guess I'll end this here, I'll probably blog after I come back from SD! I leave 12am on Friday btw, hehe don't ask why we're leaving at that time,'cause I don't know, haha So bye for now everyone [: Have a lovely weekend!

-Love you Bree,Caresse & Miah [:

"I'd be lying If I said losing you was something I can handle..."